Murderers, drug dealers, prostitutes, thieves, rapists, con artists, addicts.
I've laughed with them. I've cried with them. I've screamed at them. I've fought with them. I've hugged them. I've said good night to them. I've eaten with them. I've struggled with them. I've celebrated with them. I've mourned with them. I've prayed with them and I've cheered them on.
That never stops because they are my kids and I love them.
No strings attached.
Unconditionally.
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
Many situations of my life have been spent on the floor. I'm not sure how I've somehow linked it all together but the theme somehow surfaced in my mind after recalling the events of this week. There are many distinct life changing moments that I can think of where I've ended up with my entire being surrendered on the floor. There was no escaping. I was there in that moment and feeling every single bit of it.
The memories are both good and bad. I smile when I think of Connie and I on our stressed out overwhelmed days at Vanguard laying on the floor as fellow classmates walked around us. I didn't feel crazy in those moments. It was our way of regaining some control in our chaotic lives. And for a moment it was just me and my bestie laying on the floor laughing and being as carefree as a child.
Other moments however also lead to me being on the floor. One in particular that I can think of is the ending of my marriage. After facing a blow to my face I woke up aching and alone on the floor. Nobody around me. Instantly tears streamed down my face. It was in that moment I knew it was over.
I can't seem to put together the significance of being on the floor. All I know is that I've spent a lot of my time soul searching down on my face before God. With a tear stained carpet beneath me I cried out to God for more. Maybe God likes to bring me back to those moments of just me and Him.
This past week I ended up on the floor again. Laying beside somebody who I have grown to love and care deeply about. It was in those moments, scared and confused and feeling as though I was unable to offer nothing more than my very presence I was once again faced with the realization that I was down on my face once again, except this time it was for somebody else. Overwhelmed I questioned how far I would go for somebody I loved and with all of me laying there I knew that I was giving everything that I had. The only thing that I was left scared to question whether the same would be done for me.
The memories are both good and bad. I smile when I think of Connie and I on our stressed out overwhelmed days at Vanguard laying on the floor as fellow classmates walked around us. I didn't feel crazy in those moments. It was our way of regaining some control in our chaotic lives. And for a moment it was just me and my bestie laying on the floor laughing and being as carefree as a child.
Other moments however also lead to me being on the floor. One in particular that I can think of is the ending of my marriage. After facing a blow to my face I woke up aching and alone on the floor. Nobody around me. Instantly tears streamed down my face. It was in that moment I knew it was over.
I can't seem to put together the significance of being on the floor. All I know is that I've spent a lot of my time soul searching down on my face before God. With a tear stained carpet beneath me I cried out to God for more. Maybe God likes to bring me back to those moments of just me and Him.
This past week I ended up on the floor again. Laying beside somebody who I have grown to love and care deeply about. It was in those moments, scared and confused and feeling as though I was unable to offer nothing more than my very presence I was once again faced with the realization that I was down on my face once again, except this time it was for somebody else. Overwhelmed I questioned how far I would go for somebody I loved and with all of me laying there I knew that I was giving everything that I had. The only thing that I was left scared to question whether the same would be done for me.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Is love enough?
Lately I've been thinking a lot about my future. Often thoughts end up concentrating on my purpose and the paths that I'm on.
Evaluating where I currently am and where I want to be is an interesting feat that changes from day to day. Some days I'm content and proud of my accomplishements. Others I'm annoyed and frustrated and feel as though I've hit a stagnant hill and have approached it with a slow climb.
I've been considering a lot more school. The idea of different professions has popped in there a couple times as well. The other night while traveling to work I was stuck with the question of what I'm really truely good at and what I'm passionate about. Those words get thrown around a lot these days, but I like to do a check every now and then to see where it is I'm at with myself.
I love what I do. Clearly it's not for the money. I always knew that no matter what I ended up doing with my life would never be because of money. I care about people. That's at the bottom of who I am. When it comes to talents and giftings however, I feel inadequate. I feel like I have no practical expertise that I can offer. I deducted my skills down to one thing: being able to love. If all I have is love is it enough?
I never trained in a vocation that lead to practical skills. My psychology courses taught me a lot about the brain and the counselling ones aided in my ability to listen and paraphrase, maybe those are critical skills that I take for granted but when I look around there are people who are physically able to help others in need. Some of my friends are nurses and I'm jealous of their ability to identify and fix problems. Even if I had a trade of some sort I would feel like I had something to offer to people, but no, all I feel that I'm left with is the ability to love unconditionally and whole heartedly.
Don't get me wrong. In the business I'm in I guess this comes in handy, but can I really see myself doing this for the rest of my life? It gets so exhausting, especially to be giving out so much of myself all of the time to the various relationships around me and I don't see much in return. It weighs a person down sometimes. I often have to keep myself focused on the goal because without that I think that I'm a mess.
At the end of the day I still sit wondering if all I have is love is it enough? I really don't know.
Evaluating where I currently am and where I want to be is an interesting feat that changes from day to day. Some days I'm content and proud of my accomplishements. Others I'm annoyed and frustrated and feel as though I've hit a stagnant hill and have approached it with a slow climb.
I've been considering a lot more school. The idea of different professions has popped in there a couple times as well. The other night while traveling to work I was stuck with the question of what I'm really truely good at and what I'm passionate about. Those words get thrown around a lot these days, but I like to do a check every now and then to see where it is I'm at with myself.
I love what I do. Clearly it's not for the money. I always knew that no matter what I ended up doing with my life would never be because of money. I care about people. That's at the bottom of who I am. When it comes to talents and giftings however, I feel inadequate. I feel like I have no practical expertise that I can offer. I deducted my skills down to one thing: being able to love. If all I have is love is it enough?
I never trained in a vocation that lead to practical skills. My psychology courses taught me a lot about the brain and the counselling ones aided in my ability to listen and paraphrase, maybe those are critical skills that I take for granted but when I look around there are people who are physically able to help others in need. Some of my friends are nurses and I'm jealous of their ability to identify and fix problems. Even if I had a trade of some sort I would feel like I had something to offer to people, but no, all I feel that I'm left with is the ability to love unconditionally and whole heartedly.
Don't get me wrong. In the business I'm in I guess this comes in handy, but can I really see myself doing this for the rest of my life? It gets so exhausting, especially to be giving out so much of myself all of the time to the various relationships around me and I don't see much in return. It weighs a person down sometimes. I often have to keep myself focused on the goal because without that I think that I'm a mess.
At the end of the day I still sit wondering if all I have is love is it enough? I really don't know.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
I don't know why the picture stood out in my mind. As I sat there watching her stare at pictures of her son with a smile on her face so wide and pure joy that poured out through her entire being so much so it filled the entire room. She said that she was getting her son back.
She flipped through the pictures one after another as though she herself had taken them and was showing them to strangers, just as a proud parent would. No one would be able to tell that she hadn't seen the little boy in 3 entire months. No one knows the tragedy that occurred when he was taken away. She wouldn't speak of those days. She made reference to them as "tough times" but quickly moved onto more important subjects like cribs and clothes.
She made captions for each and every one of the pictures. Every different one had a new dream or career that she had for him. "In this one he's a teacher and he wants to change the world," she said with a smile on her face. "In this one he's a rich business man."
Many prayers were said in my heart as I tried to hope, just as much as she was, as to the results that were to occur in a few short weeks. She was promised that she would have him back soon, but for now he was with a foster family.
Too many thoughts were running through my mind as I was scrambling for the answers. How did she get the pictures? When was she going to get him back? Why was she here? What if they found out she was here? And most importantly, had the foster parents taken that wee little boy to get those professional pictures taken, because if so it seemed as though they didn't think they were going to have to let go of him any time soon.
Discouraged, I hoped and prayed with her that the miracle would happen. Please Jesus, please.
She flipped through the pictures one after another as though she herself had taken them and was showing them to strangers, just as a proud parent would. No one would be able to tell that she hadn't seen the little boy in 3 entire months. No one knows the tragedy that occurred when he was taken away. She wouldn't speak of those days. She made reference to them as "tough times" but quickly moved onto more important subjects like cribs and clothes.
She made captions for each and every one of the pictures. Every different one had a new dream or career that she had for him. "In this one he's a teacher and he wants to change the world," she said with a smile on her face. "In this one he's a rich business man."
Many prayers were said in my heart as I tried to hope, just as much as she was, as to the results that were to occur in a few short weeks. She was promised that she would have him back soon, but for now he was with a foster family.
Too many thoughts were running through my mind as I was scrambling for the answers. How did she get the pictures? When was she going to get him back? Why was she here? What if they found out she was here? And most importantly, had the foster parents taken that wee little boy to get those professional pictures taken, because if so it seemed as though they didn't think they were going to have to let go of him any time soon.
Discouraged, I hoped and prayed with her that the miracle would happen. Please Jesus, please.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Well I just got home from a wedding. Those things are always weird for me these days. So many mixed emotions. So much uncertainty, and above all else a lot of prayer. Because of what I've been through my mind specifically goes to the bad. I pray that my friends never have to go through what I went through. But really, how can we ever know what bad is going to confront us in the future? Maybe that's a good thing because if we did nobody would go anywhere in life and we'd all just sit waiting for nothing because we wouldn't want anything due to the possibility of the bad.
I still have some sort of hope. Today it was found in my dear friends face as he watched his bride walk down the aisle. The tears in his eyes gave me more hope then I could have ever imagined. One day at a time right?
I still have some sort of hope. Today it was found in my dear friends face as he watched his bride walk down the aisle. The tears in his eyes gave me more hope then I could have ever imagined. One day at a time right?
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