you and me and hot air balloons in Australia?

I want to go for a ride in a hot air balloon. There seems to be something magical about the thought of floating way up looking down as a colorful balloon carries you to a destination.

I've been dreaming a lot lately. I think for awhile after everything happened with Josh I lost me. I lost my dreams. I lost my desires. I lost hope. It sounds ridiculous but the minute I made the decision to leave I felt like I was leaving everything I had ever wanted.

I see that it's not really like that. God's been giving me back my hope and my joy again. The possibilities are endless and I see that the only thing that holds me back is me. Really.

I want to one day fly up in a hot air balloon. Yesterday while walking to my bus stop I decided that one day I wanted to go for a ride in a limo. Australia will happen. I want to swim with dolphins and explore the Great Barrier Reef. I've thought of what it would be like to go for one of those canal rides in Italy and see the volcanoes in Hawaii. I want to learn how to skate. I've been thinking about my Master's a lot more lately. I like the idea of school I'm just not sure if I want to do that yet or not. I'd like to study Hebrew a bit more.

All these things are in my heart and mind tucked away for the appropriate time. I share them only because they are things that I could see myself doing with you. Experiences that I want us to be able to treasure together. It might sound stupid but for so long I've known that I want to be along side you as you fulfill your goals and dreams, and if anything I want to help encourage you to follow through with them... but now.... I've got some of my own that I hope you can share with me.

There were little bunny poops on the sidewalk outside of my house this morning... they made me smile because I think that Mr. Bunny was coming to eat some of the apples in our yard, I should really give him a better name but that's really all I got after 12 hours of work... so Mr. Bunny it is.

Change is like pulling teeth.

Help I'm scared.

I'm sitting here at 3:30 pm, should be sleeping, gasping for air.  A mild panic attack I think.  My mind is all over the place and for the first time in a long time I'm scared of which step I need to take because I'm scared of what's going to happen.

Opportunities to move to be with somebody I love were already afloat in my mind.  I was excited about the possibilities because they seemed endless.  I was sure to pace myself and not let my brain jump 14 steps in front of me.  Timing is everything.  This is all I keep telling myself. 

Now, a position at work opens.  THE one I've been telling myself for a year and a half I would love to have.  It's hard to discern my feeling toward what's going on and if I feel like God's inching me to move on from that place.  For the past few weeks if asked I would have said that I was.... and now.....

Also a good friend has asked me to consider the possibilities of moving with her to a new big city.  One where I've said that I would love to end up.

Too much change.  Too fast.  It feels like I'm being left to decide the roads in my life again and it's scaring me more than anything.  I never thought that it would all happen so soon.  And now I'm left with trying to figure out where I'm really at in all of this.

In all reality I think after everything I've learned that no matter where I go God is going to be with me, but I put so much pressure on myself, on making the "RIGHT" choice that I become so scared by ANY choice.

I want love.  I want YOU.  Timing is everything.  I don't want to mess this up because of impatience.  I want you to be whole before we put the pressure of us on your shoulders, but at the same time I want to know intentions and plans.  I'll wait for you hands down.... I guess I want to know the certainty in us.  That I have you.  I need you behind me 100% just as I am behind you... because right now I'm writing in tears at the thought of losing you.

Today is hard.
My mind is going a mile a minute thinking about so much.
It probably doesn't help that I feel like puking my guts out....
My bed felt too big last night and I wanted to just lay there crying. 

It'll be ok and I'll pull myself together.

I miss you.

the dishes can wait.

I've lost all of my motivation.  I'm not sure where it went.  I guess after such a busy weekend of go go go it's nice to sit around, drinking coffee and planning something exciting, that at least doesn't make me feel guilty for all the dirty, smelly, dishes in the sink.

I feel at peace and haven't felt this way in a long time.  I think I'm learning to find a nice balance in my life.  Learning from people that it's ok to live spontaneously every once in a while and not have everything so structured and planned out because believe it or not that's who I was.  I had a 5 year plan and everything was suppose to go accordingly.  I guess that's the funny thing when God is involved because plans can become obsolete.

I know that I'm where I'm at for a reason.  I've known that God has called me to my job and has given me this crazy opportunity to help me grow, but to also heal me in a time where I didn't think things like that were ever possible.  I see the things that I've been equipped with and when I consider the possibilities they seem to be unending. 

The best thing about where I'm at is that I'm falling in love in more then one way.  Falling in love with you, with me, and with Jesus all over again and that feels like a good balance.  It's like the more I get to know you and see your strength, determination and talent I love you so much more and loving you helps me to love me because you see so much of me and love so much of me that I've never appreciated.  I don't know if that makes sense, and you making me see these things about me helps to point my attention to God and helps me to seek out and to see who He's made me to be.  That's neat.  I've never had that before.  Thank you.