Sometimes I'm scared that all I will ever get to do is dream. That all my hopes and desires will always be within an arms length away from me, never attainable just flaunted before my eyes and that all I was ever created for is to spur others on as I get to sit back and hope in the distance.
Monday, September 07, 2009
Sunday, September 06, 2009
you and me and hot air balloons in Australia?
I want to go for a ride in a hot air balloon. There seems to be something magical about the thought of floating way up looking down as a colorful balloon carries you to a destination.
I've been dreaming a lot lately. I think for awhile after everything happened with Josh I lost me. I lost my dreams. I lost my desires. I lost hope. It sounds ridiculous but the minute I made the decision to leave I felt like I was leaving everything I had ever wanted.
I see that it's not really like that. God's been giving me back my hope and my joy again. The possibilities are endless and I see that the only thing that holds me back is me. Really.
I want to one day fly up in a hot air balloon. Yesterday while walking to my bus stop I decided that one day I wanted to go for a ride in a limo. Australia will happen. I want to swim with dolphins and explore the Great Barrier Reef. I've thought of what it would be like to go for one of those canal rides in Italy and see the volcanoes in Hawaii. I want to learn how to skate. I've been thinking about my Master's a lot more lately. I like the idea of school I'm just not sure if I want to do that yet or not. I'd like to study Hebrew a bit more.
All these things are in my heart and mind tucked away for the appropriate time. I share them only because they are things that I could see myself doing with you. Experiences that I want us to be able to treasure together. It might sound stupid but for so long I've known that I want to be along side you as you fulfill your goals and dreams, and if anything I want to help encourage you to follow through with them... but now.... I've got some of my own that I hope you can share with me.
I've been dreaming a lot lately. I think for awhile after everything happened with Josh I lost me. I lost my dreams. I lost my desires. I lost hope. It sounds ridiculous but the minute I made the decision to leave I felt like I was leaving everything I had ever wanted.
I see that it's not really like that. God's been giving me back my hope and my joy again. The possibilities are endless and I see that the only thing that holds me back is me. Really.
I want to one day fly up in a hot air balloon. Yesterday while walking to my bus stop I decided that one day I wanted to go for a ride in a limo. Australia will happen. I want to swim with dolphins and explore the Great Barrier Reef. I've thought of what it would be like to go for one of those canal rides in Italy and see the volcanoes in Hawaii. I want to learn how to skate. I've been thinking about my Master's a lot more lately. I like the idea of school I'm just not sure if I want to do that yet or not. I'd like to study Hebrew a bit more.
All these things are in my heart and mind tucked away for the appropriate time. I share them only because they are things that I could see myself doing with you. Experiences that I want us to be able to treasure together. It might sound stupid but for so long I've known that I want to be along side you as you fulfill your goals and dreams, and if anything I want to help encourage you to follow through with them... but now.... I've got some of my own that I hope you can share with me.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Change is like pulling teeth.
Help I'm scared.
I'm sitting here at 3:30 pm, should be sleeping, gasping for air. A mild panic attack I think. My mind is all over the place and for the first time in a long time I'm scared of which step I need to take because I'm scared of what's going to happen.
Opportunities to move to be with somebody I love were already afloat in my mind. I was excited about the possibilities because they seemed endless. I was sure to pace myself and not let my brain jump 14 steps in front of me. Timing is everything. This is all I keep telling myself.
Now, a position at work opens. THE one I've been telling myself for a year and a half I would love to have. It's hard to discern my feeling toward what's going on and if I feel like God's inching me to move on from that place. For the past few weeks if asked I would have said that I was.... and now.....
Also a good friend has asked me to consider the possibilities of moving with her to a new big city. One where I've said that I would love to end up.
Too much change. Too fast. It feels like I'm being left to decide the roads in my life again and it's scaring me more than anything. I never thought that it would all happen so soon. And now I'm left with trying to figure out where I'm really at in all of this.
In all reality I think after everything I've learned that no matter where I go God is going to be with me, but I put so much pressure on myself, on making the "RIGHT" choice that I become so scared by ANY choice.
I want love. I want YOU. Timing is everything. I don't want to mess this up because of impatience. I want you to be whole before we put the pressure of us on your shoulders, but at the same time I want to know intentions and plans. I'll wait for you hands down.... I guess I want to know the certainty in us. That I have you. I need you behind me 100% just as I am behind you... because right now I'm writing in tears at the thought of losing you.
I'm sitting here at 3:30 pm, should be sleeping, gasping for air. A mild panic attack I think. My mind is all over the place and for the first time in a long time I'm scared of which step I need to take because I'm scared of what's going to happen.
Opportunities to move to be with somebody I love were already afloat in my mind. I was excited about the possibilities because they seemed endless. I was sure to pace myself and not let my brain jump 14 steps in front of me. Timing is everything. This is all I keep telling myself.
Now, a position at work opens. THE one I've been telling myself for a year and a half I would love to have. It's hard to discern my feeling toward what's going on and if I feel like God's inching me to move on from that place. For the past few weeks if asked I would have said that I was.... and now.....
Also a good friend has asked me to consider the possibilities of moving with her to a new big city. One where I've said that I would love to end up.
Too much change. Too fast. It feels like I'm being left to decide the roads in my life again and it's scaring me more than anything. I never thought that it would all happen so soon. And now I'm left with trying to figure out where I'm really at in all of this.
In all reality I think after everything I've learned that no matter where I go God is going to be with me, but I put so much pressure on myself, on making the "RIGHT" choice that I become so scared by ANY choice.
I want love. I want YOU. Timing is everything. I don't want to mess this up because of impatience. I want you to be whole before we put the pressure of us on your shoulders, but at the same time I want to know intentions and plans. I'll wait for you hands down.... I guess I want to know the certainty in us. That I have you. I need you behind me 100% just as I am behind you... because right now I'm writing in tears at the thought of losing you.
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