God's been reminding me about the love that He has for His children a lot lately. I had a horrible thing happen last week...my computer died. Not even a nice die...I mean it broke hardcore....and I had a nervous breakdown. Students out there will understand because I had finished my Hebrew paper that was due on the monday...but it was on the computer. I knew that the machine was fixable but all the work that I had put into this paper was all that I was worried about. Well to make a long story short...I was given a new computer even though I wasnt suppose to get one....and I was suppose to pay $350 and they told me that I didnt have to. When it first broke down I did the "pentecostal Bible college student thing" by laying hands on it and when that didnt work I cried like I've never cried. But even in those moments I knew that God had to do something....b/c even in what seems to be impossible He makes possible....

God is the God of the big and the small. That's what I'm learning. I feel so undeserving...but that's the greatest thing about it because I don't deserve it...but He loves me enough to provide my every need.....and just in case your'e wondering....I got my paper....and I handed it in and my only concern now is whether or not I'll get the A that I was aiming for.

I really don't understand why it seems as though everybody is having a rough 2 weeks....it's been crazy the stuff that's happening...and I'm soo tired...but I know that perserverance is what I need....and trusting in God to pull us up out of the deep end....I just wish I knew the outcome....

I caught myself smiling thinking about things today....it's a feeling I havent felt before....it was nice....really nice.....

God's been doing soooo much in my life this past couple of weeks. I've been ripped in two emotionally....and have discovered that grades and school dont really matter when a person you love is in trouble and needs your help. And even though my instincts were to pick up and run and rescue her God told me to wait....and give her back to Him. I'm talking about my sister. She's been really depressed lately....to the point of where I dont really know what stupid decisions she might make. I've been worried every second...of every minute...of every day for the past 2 weeks....but as I sat in a chapel service 4 days ago God said "Sasha how can you help her if you yourself are dry and broken?" I cried.....for a while...and as I did something broke...I felt lighter...my yoke had been lifted...and I had let God in.....

I've also learned the importance of prayer....when I had nothing else to lean on....and nowhere else to turn...I prayed....when there were no word that I could offer to ppl all I asked is for them to pray....I know that deep down...God has heard my cry....and I'm in awe....

I've also been wondering about my future...and am asking myself where God wants me in the fall. I'm 7 courses away from having my second degree....7 courses that I can take through correspondence and go anywhere in the world....I'm waiting on God for that one tho....

Most of all....I'm being reminded time and time again that I need to give my struggles over to God....and give them to Him...fully and completely....I feel comfortable when I'm in control...but slowly and painfully I'm learning that it's not about me....it's about Him and His glory.....

I'm overwhelmed with my life. I just want to escape to the past where I was happy and where things made partial sense. Out here I'm so vulnerable.....and I've been stepped on a few times...my heart was smashed once. Every body says that that one person is out there for you....where is he??? I've been waiting for so long.....I've been patient and faithful....but mostly I've just been lonely.

I loved myself for the first time in a long time 2day. Being in the ministry I find it so hard to be real with people. They all bring expectations to the table....and since I get classed as a pastor to be I have huge expectations of how I'm to act....what I'm suppose to say....heaven forbid I step on some toes and offend anybody...the Gospel is about love....right?..... Well I think I got a glimpse of the real me for a few seconds......and I didnt think I was ugly.....I was beautiful....for a moment the worlds standards did not matter....I felt desirable....something I have never felt. It's hard to try and cling to that happiness...I feel it escaping me as I type.....the childhood memories overflow my mind..."You're fat" "You're Ugly" "I would never like somebody as fat as you" the pain......

How can I not assume that it is always going to be this way? When will things change? When will other's love me for who God created me to be? And most importantly....when will I love me for who God created me?

Everybody in my life thinks that they know what or who is best for me. It makes me frustrated, especially when they tell me that I don't know what I want and should be happy where I am presently at...they don't know me or my heart who are they to comment what's best? ERRRRRR........ Why can't people just mind their own business?

I also encountered an individual the other night who made me angrier then I have almost ever been. He commented that he had heard the good news....that being that me and my boyfriend had broken up....WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEBODY??? ....I wanted to kick him soooo hard...and then crawl into a hole and cry for like an hour.....I dont understand why some people are complete retardes....I makes me angry.....and the one thought that frustrates me even more is the fact that I'm going to have to work with people like that for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in the ministry.....it makes me want to quickly switch career paths and be some sort of researcher on a remote island somewhere.....where the only person I have to rely on is myself....I'm frustrated and angry and want to hide from the world....but I have to face my life and the things that I am called to do.....and that means facing some of the stupid people in it.....