Lost And Found

If I said the last couple weeks have been easy I'd be lying....I'd also be lying if I said that through every circumstance I have trusted that God's outcome is for the best and relying on Him is the only answer. I've been broken and beaten. It hurt. It was like I was a twig who had had every single branch prunned off of it and now was a stick waving around in the wind. At that exact same time I could see very little buds growing amongst the dead. Little buds of faith.

I'm still so unsure of where I have been called. Just when I think I understand, I don't. Standing at YC I was like "God is this what you want me to do? Speak to thousands? Millions?" I felt at peace. It was like I coulda walked out there and Mike Love coulda been like "We have a guest speaker instead of Miles this afternoon her name is Sasha Hale." I'm telling you it was weird. I've also had a lot of other things come across my mind lately. I don't really know what's of God...and what's just me....but I want to figure it out. I want to follow God. I want Him to be my Everything.

The Children's Pastor from my church is leaving in the fall...when this was announced heads turned to me. I don't know if I'm called to children's ministry. I know that I'm good at working with children....I just don't know if that's what God wants me to do. I don't want to compromise....and I don't want to settle...I'm tired for settling for less then what God has. I feel lost but found...if that makes any sense. It's like Amazing Grace makes no sense to me right now because I feel like I am both blind and can also see....maybe I'm hanging onto too much of the world...maybe I need to let go....surrender...how do you do that when you feel like you have nothing left to surrender??? So many questions...no answers....and I have to look like I have at least some of it pulled together when I talk to the youth on friday.....that just seems like it's going to be a daunting task that I'm not sure I can or should handle at this point.

our little miracle....

God has been doing some crazy stuff....I can't even describe to you the joy that I feel in my heart that I am able to write and say that God is healing Des.....He is the God of the impossible. Des is wowing the Drs...and they cant explain the fact that 2 of the 3 skull fractures that she had are gone...and the one that's left is healing just fine on its own!! She was expected to be in a coma for 3 months...and she is moving and responding to voices more each day.....so God is doing AMAZING things.....I know that He woulda still been just as great if He woulda taken her.....but I still don't know what I would have done if she did die. But through all of this...I think God is birthing a wee bit of intercession in me which is cool....it's neat to see the stuff that His hand is doing....and I can't wait to see what else He has in store.

I've cried so much all of my tears are gone

Well, we found out today that two of the girls in our youth group were in an accident last night and Des, the little 10 yr old, is in critical condition. As of 6 hours ago they gave her 24 to live. I'm broken beyond anything I've ever been. I don't understand it...and I cant stop crying. I just don't understand. I've given God a few ultimatums today....and prayed more then I have in a long time. To be honest, I dont know what I will do if that little girl dies. I just dont know. But for now we've rallied together the youth and we've been praying for like 4 hours....I'm now tired and broken and find myself constantly staring into nowhere.....I'm numb. Please pray for this little girl if you get the chance, cuz she really has changed my life. She has undescribable faith and prays for every single person who needs prayer. She always greats me with a smile and hug...and the last time I saw her she was excited to talk to me on Sunday.....and now it's sunday....and she's laying in a hospital bed in Calgary....I dont know if I'll ever get to talk to her here on this earth again......I'm trying to have the faith of a mustard seed. I'm trying to stay confidant in my God...but what if His plans aren't to heal her??? I won't understand.....and I"m scared of that....but mostly I'm just broken.

These two sisters' parents aren't Christians so if you, her family in Christ, could pray for her that would mean the world to me.

the things not seen

So I'm learning that ministry is mostly about the things that you do that are not seen. I mean, I think that we hear that all the time....but to really be living it is another thing. Nobody sees the extra 2 hours that you do cleaning up after an event. Nobody sees the time and effort and sometimes frustration that it takes to plan something.....pretty much the only thing that people do see is you on Sunday, all dressed up and looking so clean you couldn't have possibly been cleaning out the dirty basement closet the night before.

I was talking with my friend today about how people only view those in a position within a specific ministry, or those in a pastoral vocation as being in the ministry....however...I do not understand that mentality. Feeding the sheep is an important job, but not every single person within the body can be a shepherd....we need the others....those who serve by being cashiers, those who work long hours doing something that they don't necessarily like...but do it as though it was unto the Lord. Living godly lifestyles within the world, I think, is a harder ministry then actually being IN the "ministry". It's a greater witness for you to show them God's love then for me to just tell them it.

Can I encourage you....that if you are working at a normal job, with normal people, putting in normal hours, in your normal life.....there is something great in just that.....be all that you can be through the power of Christ in EVERY circumstance. Be the light in the darkness....because most often, as pastors, we get stuck not as the light in the darkness...but being the candle lighter for flames that have gone out....or by helping to grow that already burning flame. Plant the seeds, and be proud....because you are not merely mediocure....and are too doing ministry maybe it's not in the context of a church....but yours is greater....because it's in LIFE.

nothing to say....well

Don't you hate it when you feel like you have nothing to say...yet you have lots to say??? I mean...I'm sitting here thinking about the things that I should say...and avoiding the things that I want to say...and in doing so...I just would rather say nothing at all.....I know...it could just be a random girl thing....but that's just how I feel.

All of my friends and sister will be back from Israel in 2 days and counting....and YC is in something like 10 days......I'm excited for both events a lot.

I led a youth Bible study tonight...we talked about spiritual gifts....we also did a quiz online to see what gifts each of them had...it was cool to see the looks on their faces when they figured them out....and it was cool to see the little pastor's-to-be in the crowd....I love to see God working in them...forming them...it's just really cool!

We also had young adults Bible study tonight...it was really weird cuz ppl were asking questions and they would look at me to see if they were answering correctly or if I approved of the answer...soooo weird...and then when I had something to say they were all quiet and stuff....it's really weird being in a place where I'm in....but neat cuz I can see the evidence of God working in my life.

See....this is what I mean....I really don't know what I should write so I fill it in with the things that I should write. I don't know.....I guess in the end it's all just a bunch of words....but that's what's going on in my life....I preach to the Jr Youth tomorrow night....if you could pray for that it would be swell....I still don't know what type of game I'm going to play....but I'm hoping that it will come.....well I had a dream I got them to do bowling w/ tolite paper....but we all know how much I hate bowling.....and I cant decide if that's divine or just stupidity........I'll let you know what happens!!!

be blessed