Seriously.... I don't understand why I can't have a normal family life... one where it seems like my family loves me... and cares about where I'm going. It's like they don't see where I came from what I went through... all they are is jaded by the bitterness and can't see past their bias' on what the church is to them. I'm tired. Tired of the judgement. Tired of all the negative comments made saying I'm never going to amount to anything more. Tired of the fight. Let them go... out of my life some recommend. How can I do that?? It's my family... and so much easier said then ever will be done... but if I don't do it first will I have to step up to the plate again and withstand the ever present reality that I could be out again? This thought lingers at the back of my mind. Constantly it sits there waiting for the day when I won't have them again and I'll be out on my own having to fight for myself. My heart can't go through that again. I've just gotten them back. I've worked so hard to gather up what was left of the broken relationship before.... and now... after 2 years I might have to make that choice again. Why does choosing God's will have to be so hard? Why do I have to surrender my family and be left alone in a world where people are so ever dependent on their families.... however I know that I can't choose them over God and His will comes first.... but.... in all transparency I would just like to say I'm not very happy that I have to make these kinds of decisions.... and that's putting it pretty nicely......

Well school is wrapping up for the semester and I'm so thankful that it's finally over. So much has changed in this life of mine. God has continued to do a work in my heart and I've been challenged to press in. Seriously looking back at this summer I was just coming back to school because it was what God wanted me to do....and now.... I'm so happy I had that element of obedience in me.

With one semester left my heart feels content with where I am and where God is leading me. I know that I know that I know things in my heart that I never thought that I would know. I'm only afraid of my inability to accomplish the tasks that are at hand, however I know that if God has in fact called me to it I will overcome any obstical internal or external.

I am sure that the next four months of my life are to fly by quickly and a new chapter will open up. One that I have no clue as to where it begins or where it will end, all I know is that it is in God's control and as exciting and as scarey as that is.... I can't wait.

My heart screams

every time

you leave

I should be doing homework... I always should be doing homework....but I have too much on my mind right now to focus. There are so many questions going through my head. So many that will never have answers....other's that will come to pass with time.... The pools of my heart however....are calm and still....

God's done so many unexpected things in my life this semester. I still haven't a clue what I'm called to do... but I know that His hand is upon my life... it's reassuring being in the steps of God... He's gone before me... and He's behind me and He's beside me. No matter how uncertain things are I can take refuge in the fact that He's got it all worked out and all I need to do is trust. The big decisions don't seem so big when He's by my side....caring for and fulfilling every need.

"Trust in the LORD with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

Deep down

I'm still that little girl

the one scared to step out

face the world that's infront of her

Deep down

I'm still terrified

of the things in the night

and more importantly the uncontrollable

Deep down

I still think he's coming

and is going to do as he promised

to be the father that I've always wanted yet never had

Deep down

I know I have to let go

To release those things and move on

But no matter how hard I try it is impossible

Deep down

I want to win this battle

I want to be victorious and strong

I want to be happy, but it's this fight that may actually break me.

It's funny how one goes to minister and then becomes ministered to. God did such an amazing work in my heart this weekend. He rekindled the love that I once had for Him. He reminded me of how I use to be when I first fell in love with Him... the passion that once filled my heart... the PASSION... the exhuberance.... the unending joy. I met my Jesus again by the Cross.... He came and met me where I was at.... no matter how unworthy....how stained I am... He met me there... and all He could tell me of was His love for me. He reminded me of my calling and the things that He has in store. He showed me things in my future that I have to hold onto...cling to... and fight for. My Daddy wrapped His arms around me and told me that it's ok for me to be who I am. It's ok to struggle with this calling because He has set me apart.... and I cried.... I don't want this calling...but it's not about what I want or desire because when I'm in love with Him His desires are my desires.

I fell in love with my Jesus again this weekend... I surrendered to Him all the crap in my life and He came...and took it.... and showed me nothing but Love and Grace.

So... for those of you who don't know... this is me and my boy.... yes... my boyfriend.... Josh.. it's the worse picture imaginable... but it's us... therefore it's grande. I just thought that it was due time to post something about him... so.... here it is... it's been a short time but feels like forever......

So this is my family... we've been around each other 24/7 for the past 2 1/2 months but we all still love each other and I am continuoulsy blessed by each of them..... so these are my girls..... my sisters.

I Will Overcome - Charlie Hall

And I can see that my hands are trembling,

I can see that my legs are weak

I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome

And I know that my heart is hurting,

And I know that my soul it aches

And I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome, yeah

Chorus: O Lord I'm strong in You,

O Lord I am wise in You

O Lord I can see in You, so I will overcome

O Lord I'm loved by You, O Lord I am free in you

O Lord I'm complete in You

So I will overcome, I will overcome, I will overcome

Bridge: God listen to me shout,

I'm so far from anywhere and I'm calling out

Lead me, lead me to the rock that is higher than I

You're my breath, You're my breath, You're my very life

Infinite, Holy King meets weak and frail Christ in me

And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love

This past week has been crazy. I don't like the up down roller coaster type ride it feels like I've been on this semester... but at the same time....I can see God's hand through it all... through all the bitterness... through me wanting to quit... through the joy and through the happiness... He's been there all along. I've been soo blessed by all the people I have around me. To be able to recognize the fact that people care...and want to help is a huge step in my life. It's been hard for me to open up and trust people... but slowly and surely... it's happening... only with the help of God though.

He's been teaching me that I'm ok the way that I am... He wants nothing more then my heart and He will transform it from there. I don't have to be the top of the class or have connections or be the best speaker or whatever else I've been worried about... He just wants me. ME... all of me. All of my worries....all of my cares.... my desires and dreams. You think I woulda figured this out a long time ago... but I think sometimes we just need to be reminded that His purposes are far greater then anything we could ever want for ourselves.

I have such a peace in my heart.... it's like what Connie and I were talking about last night... it's like I'm playing in a pool of water and trying to make ripples but as soon as I put my foot down there's nothing...it's just all calm. I dont know if you understand that.... but we both sure did.... it's a peace that I don't understand or comprehend... but a peace that goes way deep down... and assures me that these steps... the little one's I've been taking are right... and that it's ok... it's hard... but it's ok.... and I've had to determine that it is most definitly worth it.....

Eh Bys! I was screeched in this weekend and made an honourary Newfie! My roommate Alicia/Bernice/ Beatrice/The other one made me the certificate!

It's been a fun and relaxing weekend... no homework was done but it's been good and I've watched Over the Hedge twice and am on to the third time... ha ha... yes I have homework and yes I am going to die if I dont do it... but motivation is gone!

running

Where do you run to get away? Impulse drives me to come home to the country where I spent much of my childhood. I come to escape the different lives I lead and just come and sit in the pasture, where as a little girl I would come when I needed to escape the “harshness” of life. Walking through the fields, now speckled with fallen trees and every sign of winter, I feel safe. I feel as though it is here where I can be me and not have to pretend to smile or pretend to be ok. Memories of my childhood searches flood back into my mind. Day after day I would take refuge in the back forest as I became dinosaur-bone-hunter-extraordinaire. I would spend entire afternoon’s collecting bones that were half the size of me thinking that I was going to make my family rich. There were intentions of getting myself out of the messes that I had gotten myself into and escaping the reality of my life. Of course the reality of it all came to me when I was laughed at by a family friend and I discovered that those bones didn’t even come close to being ancient, they were from cows. In that back pasture I would search for berries that would sustain me for “days” when I was going to run away and live in the tree house‘s that my sister and I were going to build. Sometimes I would just go to explore. I would follow the croaking of the frogs or follow any little creature that I would hear scatter through the forest. It’s there were I found refuge.

As I sit here now, I come, just as I once did when I was little. I come to escape the harshness of the world, it seems so much bigger then it ever did when I was five. However, instead of searching for bones or berries, I come now searching for the broken pieces of my heart. The pieces that somehow got lost and buried in my life. In all reality, I know that I will have to return to the things that I am running from. I know that I will have to be ok….or look like I am, but it is here where I can be real with what I am going through and not have to masquerade around with a smile on my face pretending like nothing is wrong. I can cry and scream and the worse thing that is going to happen are the cows just beyond the fence are going to judge me.

This time though it’s different. I come to escape, but I come to be rescued. When I was little I never had the dreams of the knight in shinning armour coming to save me because I was too independent and too self sufficient for that. As I find myself all grown up I now feel helpless and alone. Surrounded by the birds and cows, I know that I can never make it alone in this wilderness. I wait for my Saviour to come rescue me. My own search for the broken pieces of my heart concludes when I see that all of my efforts are useless. Useless because it is an impossible task that I can not face on my own. The times of “self sufficient Sasha” have to be no more. I am left with no choice but to let Him come and search after me, and save me from this mess. So all I can do is merely be me in this wilderness. I can come to escape. I can come with all of my efforts and all of my intentions but it will never work. It’s like God is sitting there telling me that, just like with those bones I may have the intentions to change my world and to become the Sasha that I want to become, however I have to succumb to the things that He has in store no matter how difficult and how ridiculous that they may be.

I have the ability to control the things that go in my mind.
I can keep you out.
I can force myself to flood my mind with other things.
Happier things….
but in all reality they are only things.
My thoughts I can control….
my emotions I can control….
I can even control the tears that are flooding my eyes
attempting to escape
but I dare not let them.
The thing that I cannot control
is the smell of you that permeates my senses.
I can’t get you out
I can try but you are still here.
I want to be able to say that you are gone
That I have replaced you
But I can’t
I want to……
Trust me I would have a long time ago
But something holds on
It clings to that one last remnant of you
And it will have to stay
Until I can obtain enough courage
To wash my blanket.

As I sit...praying... seeking His face....I'm tormented by the things of my past. All the psychology in the world can't get me to let go... to move on... to heal. It's funny how I tend to bottle things up.... I have 22 yrs of hidden emotion... stuff I haven't even discovered. There's still a little girl in there....waiting for her dad.... there's the broken, suicidal teen age girl.... there's the new found Christian trying to find her way as she's rejected by her family and friends... and then... there's me. So much pain in there.... it's funny how four little words can trigger it all......

I'm not quit sure what I'm feeling or where I'm going with any of this. It's funny...am I just not hearing God's voice??? Am I wrong?? I donno... all I know is that I feel like throwing up... and feel like crawling into a hole.... anybody got ideas where I can find one....I'm not in the mood to dig.

I LOVE MY ROOMY'S...yes I am a dork

I haven't posted about a few amazing girls that I have had the priveledge to both meet and live with this year. I was kinda concerned about the whole roomy situation...because the past couple of years have been...uh...interesting. Connie left me in charge of coordinating that as she took care of the house business so....I set out on an adventure. I made a couple of postings on the Vanguard site and soon found a couple of girls. There was some uneasiness but I prayed that whatever God wanted would happen...and as I sit here today....I am not sad that some girls backed out....or that some changed their minds because I know that the girls that I have were in God's plan. It's almost 2 months in...and yes...I'm not naive...but we haven't fought yet. I know that we will..... but I think that we love each other enough to get through it. I'm sooo blessed by each one. Bernice/Beatrice/The Other-one/Alicia is sooo humble and giving...that girl will give you ANYTHING...I've learned not to ask unless I'm serious. Michelle is shy at first...but you get her going and she will laugh like crazy. She has a passion to read the Word and dedicate time and energy in memorizing it. Connie is one of my bestest friends EVER....I love my girl... and Stepha...she's me....yup..me....I love her to pieces she's like a little sister to me and blesses me on a daily basis.

So those are the new roomy's in my life. I love them to pieces.... I can't wait to see what else happens this yr.... it seems like surprise after surprise.... new friendships...new relationship... good grades... STRESS...but it's worth it....God is amazing....

I'm happy..... really happy... dispite all the questions and concerns of others... dispite what I think I should be feeling or tell myself I should be feeling... I'm happy..... it's nice to feel this way again....

jaded imperfect perception

JESUS SAVE ME
from myself
For even I am not sure
of what I'm capable of
In my own sin
I am jaded
by the imperfect perception
of who it is
that I am
My standards
are only ever focused on
external gain
My carnal desires
Are a putrid stench in Your nostrils
Yet, the only smell that I let capture my senses
is the smell of my expensive perfume.

I'm delicate

My heart is fragile

please put it back down

regardless of how strong it's walls look

how tough and controlled it's exterior

I put on a good show

Don't do those things

and expect me not to question

maybe for awhile

I'll turn my head away

maybe for awhile

I'll play your game

But that's only me trying to lie to myself

So please,

you can't handle all that's in there

all those walls are up for a reason

Just put it down gentley

and walk away

incoherent made coherent...well...maybe

I've been sitting for day's attempting to put together a series of incoherent thoughts that I can't even begin to articulate to myself let alone the rest of the world. It's been a long week. I'm so far behind in school, I'm drowning, and as I attempt to produce paper after paper I have been lost in the reason as to why I'm even here. Well...maybe not lost....just misplaced it? Ok...maybe I've shoved it into a closet with no intention of pulling it out anytime soon.

You know what I love most? When you feel so dang far from God....but yet you aren't cuz you can see His hand in EVERY aspect of your life. Soooooo much has happened this past week. I've been pushed to re-evaluate the things that I believe. I've been tested and challenged in my abilities to open up and share the contents of this dark and lonely heart. I've had to reveal pieces of me that I never thought that I would be able to. I swear I was suppose to be harmed but was saved from that....

There has just been moment after moment of God's hand intervening and pruning, His sculpting and refining. I've found passion's that He's given to me and I've never really cared to explore them as options before. The most important thing that He's done has been making me understand who "Sasha" is in the context of His Grace and Love...and how that no matter how unwise the decisions are that I make...and how much I stumble and fall He is there holding my hand waiting until I want to get back up and give it another shot.

So you know what....my grades might crap out this semester....and I might be so far behind I feel as though I'm drowning in a sea of papers....and I might not "feel" as though God is here....but i know that He is....I just have to look around and inside to see what He's doing.




"I was with you in that valley...and up upon that hill, so take just one more step infront of you for I am with you from step to step...you're not alone." ~NEEDTOBREATHE

Poor Baby Hippo

This is such a girly story but I shall tell it. The roomy's and I were watching TV tonight and I was in charge of the remote. We stumbled upon this show on Animal Planet about hippo's and I stopped to watch it. Steph....my roomy...loves the movie March of the Penguines so in hopes of trying to convince her that penguines are dumb I made her watch the hippos. Just then this cute baby hippo was shown on the screen HE WAS SOOOO cute...all of us girls were AWWWWWing... and everything it totally caught our complete attention. So we're watching this little gaffer swim and play with his mommy...adorable right.... well all of a sudden this other hippo comes and chomps down on our baby and attempts to kill it!! Well by this point I've got the whole house of girls screaming at me in sheer horror over this dying baby hippo....and then it did actually die ....and I swear Alicia cried. All I have to say is that I will stick to The March of the Penguines and never venture to Animal Planet again....



hippo prey
by:philip stockley

Stand in the Rain - Superchick

Sometimes only lyrics can express what one is truely feeling... and sometimes the lyrics hit so close to home it's scary.....

She never slows down

She dosen't know why

But she knows that when she's all alone

It feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long

And she fears if she cries that first tear

The tears will not stop raining down

Chorus: So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when its all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day what lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself

And the fear its whispering

If she stands, she’ll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything

She's running from

Wants to give up and lie down

Outside Me

The colours of fall illuminate the world outside my window

Why is it that it's so beautiful out there

And it is winter in my heart?

do you need floor time?

I have to admit....I'm a fan of Grey's. The season started this past week, and as all of us girls sat together to share in the moment I was hit by a theme within the show that really spoke to me. Izzy, a woman struggling with the loss of her love, spends the entire show laying on the floor. At the time I felt stupid with my comment....."Wouldn't it be nice to just lie on the floor and....feel?" My friends looked at me and laughed.

Could you take a second and just think.....how often do we avoid what we are actually feeling and replace those emotions with our everyday activities? Do we often fill our lives so full of "stuff" that we have no time to experience what we go through....could this be the reason that there is an increased rate in therapy and other psychological treatments?

I know in my life I don't feel half of the things that come my way. Often things are thrown at me and I burry them deep down within me to hide any visible sign of vulnerability. I'm not saying to constantly be a HUGE emotional disaster. I'm saying maybe it's ok to be sad when a friend betrays you...or you feel overwhelmed with the things that have come your way. Can I challenge you to take a moment.....alone...and just lay on the floor...and just...be? Experience what you are going through.....look inward and ask God to reveal to you the things that you have been avoiding. Maybe it involves crying, maybe not. I just think that this concept is imperative to our well-being and aids in the positive development of our character. Make sure that, like Izzy, once the healing process has been completed you can stand up, and step out of the old "dress" and move on to your future, don't get stuck on the floor.

the ache is deeper then I know

My heart hurts. It hurts so much. I can't even articulate the things that are going on inside, all I know is that it is breaking my very being. I'm having difficulties discerning the things of God and the things of Sasha. I feel like I'm running away....yet find myself running in random circles because I can't find my way. Is it possible to not want to follow God, yet have no other option but to follow God? The last thing that I want right now is His will.....how can I even say that?!??! He's brought me so far and done so much...and I have the audacity to want to reject His perfect will. Jonah tried to run from what he was called to do...and we all know where that left him. Do I just act like I'm ok with it....put on my mask and be ok with all the crap that I have to go through.... or is it ok to hurt...and not want it all....

I can't

When did we learn that we couldn’t. I mean….when did we just stop and deicide that the task that was placed before us was too great and that we in fact could not conquer the great and glorious world that has been placed before us?

When did we decide that we actually couldn’t be that astronaut or veterinarian that as a child we planned to be. Or maybe you wanted to conquer the world. Cure AIDS or cancer? Some wanted to dance, while others wanted to explore the deepest depths of the ocean. When did it all change? What happened to make us think that we are unable to even come close to reaching those goals. When did we decide that we had to settle because we could never become anything more?

While looking at a picture of my wee little friend Emma I was reminded of something that happened this summer while I was looking after her. We were playing something at her house and I told her “Emma go and do this.” She looked at me….in defeat…with her big brown eyes….and said “Shasha….I CAN’T!” Something in me twitched…..WHO TOLD HER THAT SHE CAN’T??!?! I wanted to beat whoever gave her that idea…..as I held her hand and struggled to make her try…and show her that SHE COULD….my thoughts went to the way God sees us.

I mean, how often do we, as His children, say that we can’t do the things that are placed in front of us because we are too weak, not good enough, too this, or not enough of that…..just as I sat frustrated by the fact that somebody told that amazing little girl she couldn’t, God sits there wishing that we believe that we can. He sits by, holding our hands, giving us the tools and equipping us with everything we need to do the things that He asks because He knows that we can, regardless of whether or not we think that we can or cannot.

Maybe reality has set in since the days that you wanted to fight fires, and maybe you have walked down a different road, a road that is marked by what you determine as failure and defeat. You’ve thrown in the towel and have left those dreams behind you. Sure, not everybody is called to be what they wanted when they were 5, but can I challenge you to believe in yourself as much as God does, no matter where you are at in life? He believes in you! Just like I knew Emma could do it….He knows that you can do it too.

Sure, I think that this whole “pep talk” is partly for me as well cuz often I don’t believe that even I can do the things that I have been called to, but the fact that God believes in me more then I could ever believe in myself gives me some sense of assurance. Something in me believes that He sees that sparkle in my own eye….that dream that is way deep down. The untainted spirit that once lingered in me…is still there….masked and guarded…but it’s still there…waiting to come out….and believe that I in fact can….

I've lost my memory

I've forgotten.....I guess I convinced myself to forget. It's easier this way. It's easier not to feel...and avoid the vulnerability. Of course I recognize that this will have consequenses in the future, but I'm willing to risk it. Forgetting is the easy part....now I just have to figure out a way to trick my heart into believing that it's not right....

to embrace or ignore do I have an option?

So I officially started my last year of college today. I've always hated the first day of classes..... meeting profs who are different and trying to figure out what they are expecting from you...it's annoying. I like the familiar....I like Guthrie...but he's not back this semester so I have to deal with what I got...it should be good....however I'm scared that PA's Senior Theo class is gonna stretch the crap outta me.....EEK! cuz we all know that I want more of that...

Um......so God has been asking me to obey Him more and more.....I feel like I can't do it....I feel like I'm gonna fall through.......I don't want to.....but...we'll see. So...only in an attempt to follow God and do what He is calling me to do I'm looking into going to Israel in Feb for 2 weeks. I'm not really sure why God wants me there..and it kinda actually scares the bloody crp outta me but I'm left with the choice to either obey or not....not the best situations at times. Sometimes I feel like God has backed me into a corner and I'm not too fond of it...but I really don't got a choice but to love who He's given me. I've found myself trying to avoid it these past few days...I knew that it would come to this...that the moment I'm seperated from all I've known this past summer I begin to look around and doubt what I've been given.....it breaks my heart to admit that....but I am just human....

Ok...so that's all I got so far.....I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm actually gonna do...I doubt myself and my abilities....all I needed was one word....one single word and I mighta stayed....but without it....I don't think I'm really left with a choice.

Do you ever have issues with what God is asking you to do??? I mean serious issues..... like there are moments when I think I am on some sort of drug because God is asking me to do some crazy things....they seem completely impossible and completly crazy. I'm being tested in obediance.... and frankly I don't like it...and I'm not gonna pretend that I do at all..... but it all boils down to Do I follow God's will...or my own..... BOOOOOO why do things gotta be so darn hard?!?!?!?

I'll keep ya posted on what I do....

God speaks

God just spoke to me through my MOM..... yes...MY MOM! She said things about me and my life that couldn't be from anybody other than God. I guess it was weird because it was sooo unexpected...and so....unusual. Just a warning to all of you out there...trying to hear God's voice. He does speak through people who may not believe in Him, remember He once used even a donkey....heck now that I think about it...He uses even me. Learn to discern His voice from that of the other's that are fighting for your attention......I mean if this moment would have happened just a few months ago I would have dismissed it and pushed all of those "words" aside and may have missed out on something amazing. The words she said confirmed so much in my heart....I can't even begin to let you all know.....

called to be something more than normal

God is doing a crazy thing in my heart. I am continuously questioning things and trying to understand why I believe what I do. He's been giving me a REAL love for people. A love so encompassed with grace it scares and shocks even me. Sure I may not understand, but I know that this compassion that has been birthed in me is there for a reason.
I have a feeling that God is calling me to something different, something greater. I can't put my finger on it but I know that people are going to be angry with my actions. I'm going to be critisized and even marginalized by the church itself. As a Vanguard student I'm taught to be innovative, that's what my calling as a pastor is too. An innovative ministry. What the heck does that look like?!?!?! I guess I wont know until I get there. I think it starts with truly loving the person, regardless of the sin, regardless of my preconceived ideas of who and what they are. The healthy people don't need a doctor...the sick do....ha ha....that's funny....I've always wanted to be called "Dr Sasha Hale" maybe it won't be official....but maybe indirectly God is calling me to be a doctor to the lost....to introduce to them the hope that I've found, and they too can find, in Jesus....to help heal their beaten bodies and broken hearts....wow....that just changed my life.

My grandpa was rushed to the hospital at 11pm last night......they didn't think that he was going to make it. My heart is breaking. The doctors dont know what's wrong. I want to be able to fix him...and love him....and ride on the tractor like we did when I was little. I want all of those moments back.....I feel as though I have to cling so desperatly to them because if I don't they will fade away. He was released, praise God, but they still don't know what is wrong. He hugged me today....he squeezed me sooo tight....I didnt want to let go...I didnt want to cry.....so many things that I didnt want to do....and in the end I let go, told him that I loved him, and walked away not knowing if I would ever see him again. My heart is in pieces....he needs Jesus soooo much. If you have the time could you take a moment to pray for him as you read this.....that would mean the world to me....

here's a peek at my first sermon

So I have to preach...for the very first time on a sunday morning...in Edam Saskatchewan...truthfully I dont even know where that is and in the middle of the circumstances that I'm having to face it's funny how my own sermon is becoming a lesson to me.
See I am talking about this guy named Jeremiah. I love this prophet. Reading through the writings I see glimpses of a man who's only passion was to follow God no matter what was placed before him. He was asked to give some pretty harsh judgements upon the people of Israel whom he loved dearly. Even in the darkest hour this man obeyed God. He followed through...pronounced the irreversable judgment by smashing a clay jar and then he was loved by all and everybody wanted to be his friend.....um...no.

See in chapter 19 Jeremiah obeys what God tells him to do. He follows that which he is called to and in chapter 20 we see a man broken, literally beaten, and he is left all alone. Jeremiah was a simple man, called by God, to do extraordinary things, just like you and I. In chapter 1 of the book of Jeremiah God called Jeremiah to be a prophet to the nation of Israel. He questioned God's motives and couldn't understand why God would want just a simple boy. God promised to stand by him, through all that he was called to and provide for him everything needed. So Jeremiah accepted this call. This is important. He had to let go of every dream, every desire, every hope that he personally had for his life, and accept the calling that God had for him. The calling that God had for him ruined the person of Jeremiah and then began to mold him into the person that God had created him to be.

The place where we find Jeremiah in chapter 20 is far from the place where he was when he recieved his call. He had obeyed everything that God had said. He embraced this call and he is left with nothing. It is here where we see the rawness experessed in following God. We see the pain of a man who loves God and loves his people, yet feels that he is rejected by both. Jeremiah therefore comes to the conclusion that he will reject this call and turn the other way. But he can't. His calling burns so deep in his heart. He can not escape it. It is as though he is saying Lord, I gave into your calling, I followed Your ways, I submitted to You. Now everyone laughs at me. If I try to stop Your word burns in my heart. It bothers me day and night and captures me and will not let me go!

How often do we feel like Jeremiah? We feel as though we have given up everything to answer to the will of God in our lives and it feels as though we are left alone, worse then what we would have been if we had rejected the call. Often we feel hopeless and ask the question, Why? The important thing here is not that Jeremiah is questioning the call of God on his life, and it is not even that he is considering quitting, but it is in the way that he ultimately responds that is key to being a true follower of God.

In verses 11 through 13 see a change in mood and are a prayer for Gods protection and vindication. When he is overwhelmed with this constant opposition Jeremiahs only resort is a rock-bottom affirmation of his faith. It is in this where he has no choice but to stand on the promises that God had given to him in the past and the faithful One that he has come to know Yahweh to be.

Many Christians in todays society expect that following God and His will for their lives is an easy task. Some people who come to know Jesus feel like nothing could ever stop them or hinder their obedience to the call that God has on his/her life. Many expect the Christian walk to be easy with only minor bumps and scraps along the way, however we see that this is not the case through Jeremiahs example. Jeremiah was a prophet, chosen and called by God. Some would suggest that this very fact would protect him from all worries and troubles that would come his way, however this was not the case.

Jeremiah himself never saw one piece of fruit within his time in ministry. Even most of us see some sort of fruit from the things that we do for God at some point in our lives, but Jeremiah saw nothing. From his example we can learn that sometimes all that we have is to cling to what God has called us to and the hope that God has given to us. Even Jeremiah questioned his existence. He asked the big why questions that many of us can be stuck in. What is important is that we rise up over the hardships placed in front of us despite the circumstances and embrace our call regardless of what we see and understand things to be. When God calls us we must follow Him. Every desire and dream that we ever had is replaced with Gods will. He ruins us and it may not bring about the lifestyle that we had expected, but in following Jeremiahs example we must continue on Gods path and trust that His will is far greater then anything that we could ever want for ourselves.

had the time of my life!

I just got back from The Calgary Stampede where my friends parents took me to see Third Day, Starfield, and Chris Tomlin in concert. I was blessed sooo much by that family this weekend. It was good to be reminded of what family is and what love really is as well. They are an amazing example of what it means to be transformed by Christ and I look up to them soo much.

Well I'd be lying if I even considered to think for just a second that the concert was bad....it was amazing! Starfield opened it up! I've known these guys for 5 years now and they are super amazing. As soon as Jon saw me he gave me a hug and Tim and I talked for awhile about life in Lloyd...it was just really such an amazing step for them to be singing as an opening act for Third Day they were shocked and humbled but they had a great performance.

Chris Tomlin played 2nd and the annointing that flowed off of that man was incredible. I stood there amazed by his ability to welcome the presence of God into that place and as he stood he genuinly worshipped God...it was amazing. Hali and I joked because...well having front row tickets you see things that ppl at the back dont see...and well lets just say that we consider Chris to have anointed spit..ha ha.

By the time Thrid Day stepped on stage I was in shock..almost literally. We were gonna call on Jon (from Starfield) to give me mouth to mouth...I MEAN I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! But Third Day was AMAZGIN as well! Mac Powell kept smiling at me. It's cool cuz he payed attention to his fans and stuff it was really amazing. I got a pick from him too. That was pretty cool. When I get better picks I'll post them. But ya... it was amazing. But now I need to sleep!

Missing Edmonton

I miss walking these paths at night under the stars.....and I miss the people who I usually go to see it with even more.....47 days

Waiting...in the arms of Jesus

Prayer is the discipline by which God gives us the ability to wait. To persevere. To dream again. And to trust. ~Angela Thomas

It's funny how I found this quote just after talking to a friend about how to handle things when God asks you to wait. It doesn't matter the circumstance, when God asks me to wait I am so ADD I either press forward with disregard, or sit around bitter toward God for ever asking me to have to do such a thing. But, lately it's been different. Not because I have become "Super Sasha" and am able to obey every command that God gives me, but it has become more easily bearable through prayer. By seeking Him and His purposes for my life, by talking to my Saviour about the things He has in store, I come to understand that His ways are far higher then I may ever comprehend, but His purposes are perfect.

Angela Thomas goes on to say that "Prayer is the means by which we continually place ourselves in the arms of God." Sure God may tell us to do things that may seem unbearable but it is in His arms where we find refuge and peace. It is a place where we can dream dreams that are far bigger then we could ever imagine for ourselves. In the arms of our Dad, we can stand firm on the fact that He will never leave us nor forsake us, and it is through those promises that we can understand that if He asks us to do the "impossible" it's because He's standing there beside us, holding our hands, walking us down the aisle of life. It's in Him where I know that I can trust and lean not on my own understanding....cuz He's got my back...

So....through prayer....and giving up the plans that I have for my life...waiting doesn't seem so bad and I can trust that it will be worth it in the end.

AHHH!!!!

So my friend's parents just invited me to go with their family to the Third Day, Chris Tomlin, Starfield concert in Calgary for Stampede weekend........crazy stuff.....it gets crazier.....THEY HAVE FRONT ROW CENTRE TICKETS!!!!! and my friend actually won't be there...so it's just me hanging out w/ her family for the entire weekend!! The funnier thing was about 3 weeks back I had this dream where I was with her mom and we were shopping in all these really expensive stores and stuff....and I was like when will that ever happen?!??! Well......ya....so let's just say...I'm blessed...it's been a really amazing day....not just because of that...I've been blessed by so many people today I can't even count.....

And one of my best friends/ old roomies got engaged this past weekend.... March 10th 2007 is the day. I'm sooooo happy for her..... 3 down only 3 more to go....

My Jamaican Brother is also getting married.......we never thought the day would come......crazy crazy I say...I can't believe it!!!!

I miss you....

more than you will ever know

and more then I will ever be able to tell a single soul

the longing of my heart

I long to be loved

I long to be filled

I long to know

I long to obey

I long to be guided

I long to be healed

I long to be touched

I long to be broken

I long to hear

Ultimately I long to be forever changed.....

annoyed and blessed all at the same time

I feel like I can't actually blog what I want to blog cuz whatever I say will be used against me in some sort of kindergarden play ground fashion...when one friend turns on another in a desperate search to gain some sort of popularity. People are ignorant....and annoying.....I wish that I didn't care what people thought of me....confidence is what I need....it is something I have always lacked....

I wanted to scream and punch a girl in the face....I didn't because it's not the best answer to solveing problems.....but sometimes you just feel like you are left with no choice....no matter what you do to try and help solve the problem the other person is sooooooooooo.......grrrrrrr....unreasonable...I try to love......try being the operative word....maybe one day I will be able to....

I saw a glimpse of hope in my mom today....she's questioning the things that she believes and is starting to understand that there is in fact both heaven and hell.....and that demons and satan exist....I told her about Jesus and how He casted out demons....she didn't yell at me...or raise her voice at all...she just sat there thinking. It gave me goosebumps...it was like God was working RIGHT THERE in that moment....I could see the little seed being watered...even just a little bit....

I was also blessed when I took out the garbage for her and ran into a lonley elderly woman. I sat and talked with her for an hour. She spoke of how she missed her husband who had passed away 9 years ago...desperatey she looked into my eyes seeking answers of how to let go...move on like the rest of the world tells her to. I told her that I don't think I will ever even have the answer about how to do that. They were married for 50 years......50...in awe I asked "How do you make marriage last that long in a society that tells you to get rid of the old and embrace the new all the time." She smiled and looked at me and answered "Only love.....that's the answer."

a glimpse of ministry

I don't like being under a microscope. I can't stand being critiqued from every angle....judged to a point where I don't even recognize myself. I've lost who I am and have replaced it with the thoughts of who every body else thinks I am. It's come to a point that if this is what it means to live and be in the ministry I don't want it...isn't there a different way?? Isn't there somehow a way that I can just be human.....be living and stumbling around just like every other human out there and not have to pretend to look like I have it all together and have the audacity to judge the other's around me because they don't make the mark either?? Maybe we should stop trying to leap hurdles and just try to jog without falling down.....cuz I think that we fall on our faces enough by ourselves, let alone put up a bar to make us fall for sure...I feel like I'm never going to make that mark...heck I miss it by a long shot....and I don't even know if I want to try and reach it. It makes me think that by aiming I'm going to loose something unique about me...and if I make it I'm just going to end up conforming to the rest and fitting nicely into that little box.....I want to be outside of the box.....Jesus was outside of the box so I don't see anything too wrong with being like Him.

A beautiful offering

Wounded, Broken, Beaten
weathered from the storms
scarred from life's battles
Desperately searching
for the pieces of my heart
that have been dispersed,
thrown in all directions
by the people that
I have loved most.
I try to hide
and keep the real me
from the world
Yet my Saviour calls
asking me to come out
from under the rock
where I have sought
comfort and refuge for oh so long
Reluctantly I peak out
scared to trust
unsure of how to let go
and surrender
However I see the Peace
and the Love that He has
for His daughter,
Me,
So I muster up
all the courage I can find
to crawl out
and offer what's left
to my King

life is short....

The youth took a trip to Edmonton today to see the little girl I posted about who was in the accident 3 weeks ago. The whole trip up I was so nervous. I didn't know what to think or feel or even anticipate, so all I could do was pray. We got the the children's hospital and we all waited around for a bit till Des was awake and then 2 by 2 we went in to see her. Steph and I were the 3rd couple to go in. I held her hand not even knowing what to expect. I knew that it was going to be hard....but when I saw Des' mangled little body it was sooo hard for me to stay strong. She's barely talking...so she just mumbled a lot and her actions were uncorrdinated and awkward...but through it all that little girl hugged me. That's all that she could do. She was broken and beaten and didn't look the same as I knew her to be....but her heart was still the same.

I couldn't find words to say and I glanced at my sister who almost started to cry and I had to leave because it became to difficult for me. I walked out bawling my head off....trying to be strong for the youth....but I couldn't hold it in. God has already done an amazing work in that little girl...she wasn't suppose to live....she wasnt suppose to talk yet or walk yet....she's baffeling Drs left and right.....but to still see her in that position killed me. It tore me up inside. It's hard to think that she could have looked worse then that, but I know that she's come sooo far and is going to be healed of everything sooner then any body would have thought.

I think that the worse thing was to have the last memory of the converstation we had in my head. Her little motor mouth going a mile a minute and I'm the only one who can communicate just as fast with her and understand her as well. Her hair was curly and it looked sooo pretty. But.....the little girl I saw in that bed wasn't my Des.....I could see through the outward appearance to her heart and knew that it was her...but my eyes were fooled. My heart breaks for that little girl. I want nothing less then to see her restored to even better then what she was before the accident. I can't wait till we can laugh again....and talk about things that other people can't understand....and to see her in church praying for people who she doesnt even know because that little girl has the faith to know that she can move mountains with her prayers.......I can only pray that we can have that faith for her in a time when she can't have it for herself.

i found you

i found your number in my pocket
just when i attempted to escape the thought of you
i find you not in my thoughts...
but in my pocket
so i'll keep you safely tucked in there
because it's safer
your protected
and in a way, so am i

sucking it up

So I'm sucking it up....being patient....or being impatient while trying to be patient...thanks Dawn for your insight ALL THE TIME!.....I had to delete the other post...cuz....well....I kinda felt bad...and then I figured you know.....I might as well suck life up.....although I did bleach everything in sight today.....life will be ok...it's all in God's control

I just dont want to be broken

I have an internal battle going on between heart and mind. The more I pray...the more I know...but the more I know...the more I'm scared. What if it's all just in my head. I hate trying to figure out what's me and what's God....like Dawn said neon signs would be great about...NOW.....but then her words echoe in my head...He wants us to have faith....faith....believing in the unknown...believing that He has it all already worked out and all we have to do is surrender. I don't want to be broken...I don't want to have to be humble and give up my stubborn will....most often I feel like I can't. I try...constantly...but I usually give and quickly take back. I know that it will all work out...and that He has a purpose....and that He has called me...know all I have to do is listen.....and obey.... simple...yet I think the most difficult task that I will ever be given

wishing on air

I wish that I could give up my every pressing desire to feel the need to plan and know everything. I wish that I could surrender to the unknown and embrace it with open arms. I wish that my reluctant heart would cave and that I would fully submit to Your will. I wish that it would be easy for me to be patient with the things that are to come and not force them to come about. I wish that I would stop wishing and that these wishes would come to be who I am as a woman of God......most importantly I wish that He would be all that I desire....above all else.

be my everything

The only thing that has been going through my head lately is this song by Tim Hughes and it is all that's in my heart....and I thought that I would share it with you all....

Everything - Tim Hughes

Verse 1:
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Chorus:
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Verse 2:
God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Bridge:
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

Lost And Found

If I said the last couple weeks have been easy I'd be lying....I'd also be lying if I said that through every circumstance I have trusted that God's outcome is for the best and relying on Him is the only answer. I've been broken and beaten. It hurt. It was like I was a twig who had had every single branch prunned off of it and now was a stick waving around in the wind. At that exact same time I could see very little buds growing amongst the dead. Little buds of faith.

I'm still so unsure of where I have been called. Just when I think I understand, I don't. Standing at YC I was like "God is this what you want me to do? Speak to thousands? Millions?" I felt at peace. It was like I coulda walked out there and Mike Love coulda been like "We have a guest speaker instead of Miles this afternoon her name is Sasha Hale." I'm telling you it was weird. I've also had a lot of other things come across my mind lately. I don't really know what's of God...and what's just me....but I want to figure it out. I want to follow God. I want Him to be my Everything.

The Children's Pastor from my church is leaving in the fall...when this was announced heads turned to me. I don't know if I'm called to children's ministry. I know that I'm good at working with children....I just don't know if that's what God wants me to do. I don't want to compromise....and I don't want to settle...I'm tired for settling for less then what God has. I feel lost but found...if that makes any sense. It's like Amazing Grace makes no sense to me right now because I feel like I am both blind and can also see....maybe I'm hanging onto too much of the world...maybe I need to let go....surrender...how do you do that when you feel like you have nothing left to surrender??? So many questions...no answers....and I have to look like I have at least some of it pulled together when I talk to the youth on friday.....that just seems like it's going to be a daunting task that I'm not sure I can or should handle at this point.

our little miracle....

God has been doing some crazy stuff....I can't even describe to you the joy that I feel in my heart that I am able to write and say that God is healing Des.....He is the God of the impossible. Des is wowing the Drs...and they cant explain the fact that 2 of the 3 skull fractures that she had are gone...and the one that's left is healing just fine on its own!! She was expected to be in a coma for 3 months...and she is moving and responding to voices more each day.....so God is doing AMAZING things.....I know that He woulda still been just as great if He woulda taken her.....but I still don't know what I would have done if she did die. But through all of this...I think God is birthing a wee bit of intercession in me which is cool....it's neat to see the stuff that His hand is doing....and I can't wait to see what else He has in store.

I've cried so much all of my tears are gone

Well, we found out today that two of the girls in our youth group were in an accident last night and Des, the little 10 yr old, is in critical condition. As of 6 hours ago they gave her 24 to live. I'm broken beyond anything I've ever been. I don't understand it...and I cant stop crying. I just don't understand. I've given God a few ultimatums today....and prayed more then I have in a long time. To be honest, I dont know what I will do if that little girl dies. I just dont know. But for now we've rallied together the youth and we've been praying for like 4 hours....I'm now tired and broken and find myself constantly staring into nowhere.....I'm numb. Please pray for this little girl if you get the chance, cuz she really has changed my life. She has undescribable faith and prays for every single person who needs prayer. She always greats me with a smile and hug...and the last time I saw her she was excited to talk to me on Sunday.....and now it's sunday....and she's laying in a hospital bed in Calgary....I dont know if I'll ever get to talk to her here on this earth again......I'm trying to have the faith of a mustard seed. I'm trying to stay confidant in my God...but what if His plans aren't to heal her??? I won't understand.....and I"m scared of that....but mostly I'm just broken.

These two sisters' parents aren't Christians so if you, her family in Christ, could pray for her that would mean the world to me.

the things not seen

So I'm learning that ministry is mostly about the things that you do that are not seen. I mean, I think that we hear that all the time....but to really be living it is another thing. Nobody sees the extra 2 hours that you do cleaning up after an event. Nobody sees the time and effort and sometimes frustration that it takes to plan something.....pretty much the only thing that people do see is you on Sunday, all dressed up and looking so clean you couldn't have possibly been cleaning out the dirty basement closet the night before.

I was talking with my friend today about how people only view those in a position within a specific ministry, or those in a pastoral vocation as being in the ministry....however...I do not understand that mentality. Feeding the sheep is an important job, but not every single person within the body can be a shepherd....we need the others....those who serve by being cashiers, those who work long hours doing something that they don't necessarily like...but do it as though it was unto the Lord. Living godly lifestyles within the world, I think, is a harder ministry then actually being IN the "ministry". It's a greater witness for you to show them God's love then for me to just tell them it.

Can I encourage you....that if you are working at a normal job, with normal people, putting in normal hours, in your normal life.....there is something great in just that.....be all that you can be through the power of Christ in EVERY circumstance. Be the light in the darkness....because most often, as pastors, we get stuck not as the light in the darkness...but being the candle lighter for flames that have gone out....or by helping to grow that already burning flame. Plant the seeds, and be proud....because you are not merely mediocure....and are too doing ministry maybe it's not in the context of a church....but yours is greater....because it's in LIFE.

nothing to say....well

Don't you hate it when you feel like you have nothing to say...yet you have lots to say??? I mean...I'm sitting here thinking about the things that I should say...and avoiding the things that I want to say...and in doing so...I just would rather say nothing at all.....I know...it could just be a random girl thing....but that's just how I feel.

All of my friends and sister will be back from Israel in 2 days and counting....and YC is in something like 10 days......I'm excited for both events a lot.

I led a youth Bible study tonight...we talked about spiritual gifts....we also did a quiz online to see what gifts each of them had...it was cool to see the looks on their faces when they figured them out....and it was cool to see the little pastor's-to-be in the crowd....I love to see God working in them...forming them...it's just really cool!

We also had young adults Bible study tonight...it was really weird cuz ppl were asking questions and they would look at me to see if they were answering correctly or if I approved of the answer...soooo weird...and then when I had something to say they were all quiet and stuff....it's really weird being in a place where I'm in....but neat cuz I can see the evidence of God working in my life.

See....this is what I mean....I really don't know what I should write so I fill it in with the things that I should write. I don't know.....I guess in the end it's all just a bunch of words....but that's what's going on in my life....I preach to the Jr Youth tomorrow night....if you could pray for that it would be swell....I still don't know what type of game I'm going to play....but I'm hoping that it will come.....well I had a dream I got them to do bowling w/ tolite paper....but we all know how much I hate bowling.....and I cant decide if that's divine or just stupidity........I'll let you know what happens!!!

be blessed

EEEK!!!!!

So, I officially preach my first sermon tomorrow.....well...it really isn't that big of deal cuz it is to a bunch of seniors at a home.....or so everybody else says. It's funny how I'm taking this more seriously then everybody else...maybe because it is my first time talking.....but still...they need Jesus just as much as them youngins out there!!! Well....I don't know why...but the only thing God seemed to allow me to preach on is hope......I KNOW....like how hard to give hope to a bunch of ppl who are dying ....especially when I'm young and have good health....I donno...but I guess you just gotta follow God eh?!?!?

Other then that the life of me, the intern, has been VERY crazy and busy....but as I have mentioned numerous times in my other posts....it's been sooo rewarding...I'm starting to love my youth SOOOOOO much....I don't know if I'm called to full time youth ministry....but I've been loving just how open they are...and how you can touch their lives in soo many ways. I think often adults are already soo set in their ways that they do not embrace the things of change that other's have to offer.....youth on the other hand they tend to be more accepting of stuff like that.

I've been having some CRAZY dreams lately....like really weird ones....I don't know what they all mean but it's been weird.....and I'm getting sick...so if you could pray for my health that would be swell!!! Other then that I have a super rough week ahead of me....I preach tomorrow, then I have to plan another sermon and games night for the Jr youth at my church for Wed, then I have to face the past on Friday....if that doesnt makes sense...I'll just say a certain individual who did not like my actions in Edmonton is coming home w/ her rap group...and well she's bringin the blonde...pray for patience...and love....cuz I'm gonna need a HUGE outpouring of that! Thanks all....be blessed

Well today has been such a crazy day. Last night I babysat for my youth pastors and their kids were funny and cute....and then they wouldnt sleep!!! EEEK! Jacob wouldnt sleep unless I was holding him....and Emma kept waking up and SCREAMING for her mommy....it was crazy and then in my attempts to make Jacob sleep I tried to feed him and that didnt work....and then I tried to change his diaper and that didnt work (I just found out later this afternoon that I had put his diaper on backwards...SOOOO funny...but it was dark and he was crying...ya...that's my excuse!!) But see...it was all worth it cuz Kenny and Kelly anne hadnt been out by themselves in such a long time....I use my lonliness to bless others...heck if I love their children I might as well look after them....so as Kelly was drivin me home she said that her and Kenny had bought me groceries.....it seems as though the world doesnt think I eat now that I'm interning.....but I was blessed...here I try to bless them and they bless me!!!

Today I've been able to really open up w/ the youth...and a couple of them have opened up to me telling me about thier home lives and the problems with their parents and the brokenness that they are facing.....some have told me their deep secrets....I'm telling you I'm being blessed left and right....just to be able to listen to them and let them know that somebody cares...it's worth all the stress and homework in the world.....it's like this is what all the hard work I've done these past 4 yrs has paid off to accomplish....it's all sooo worth it to make a difference for God in the lives of these kids.....and it's also amazing to see the hand of God in my life and the use of things that that I have gone through in order for me to help these kids out and relate to them in a way that they might think nobody can....I'm in awe

I dont ever want to loose the thankfullness that's developing in my heart and the sense of God that is so prominant in all areas of my life....I dont ever want to loose this......never.

Friday night I was reminded of God's power, of His mercy, of His everlasting and uncomprendable love, and of His grace. Last week I was battling inwardly with feelings of inadequacy, of not feeling prepared or called, of feeling weak and complacent, and I truthfully wanted to walk away from my position at the church because I felt as though I didn't belong, and that ultimately I wouldn't be able to do it. I was scared. We had a youth service friday night. The youth in my youth group have grown, and have seen and experenced the presence of God and are seeking for more. However Friday was odd. As I stood around I could see that they were worn out. They were going through things.....and as a leader I needed to be there to support them and strengthen them. We had an alter time, and I was going to go pray for a girl and God said to wait. So I stood there...not understanding until another girl came up and asked me to pray for her. It's such a privilage to have young ppl love and trust you enough to share what they are going through....I was touched.

A little while later I looked over and saw one of the guys that I used to hang out with and my heart broke. I missed that boy. He had fallen away from God and had lived a life after drugs, alcohol and sex and as I looked at him God began to change my heart. I have been praying for him for 4 years....and the fact that he was even in a worship service left me in complete awe. Something in my heart began to build and build.....and I began to pray for him....if he was there then I wasnt going to sit idly by and let him leave, so I prayed.....he stayed and another leader went over and gave him a word....and I saw a vulnerability in him that I havent seen in a long time. It was after a little bit when he started to motion to leave the service and I started crying. It wasnt like anything I have felt before....It was from deep deep within......I felt the love that God had for him.....and I didnt want to stand by and let him go....so as he walked out I prayed....like I've never prayed before.....and a little while later he came back in.....this might not sound like anything big to any of you....but the joy I felt when I saw his face....I cant even put it into words. After it was all done he asked me to go for a walk....so we talked....and he opened up about the things that he was going through.....and I glanced at his wrist and he was wearing a Jesus fish bracelet. We played pool...and we were able to just hang out and be the friends that we once were....I missed that.

He came to church this morning....and he's coming to youth camp this summer.....I cant even put what I'm feeling in my heart into words....I think that if I don't see anything else this summer...I will be happy with what happened that night. To see somebody come back into the Grace...and see God so clearly....it takes my breath away. I was reminded that I'm suppose to be here....and I am called....It's like Dr. Franklin says...sometimes all we have to hold onto is the fact that we have been called....regardless of how we are feeling....regardless of the circumstance, God knows...and has called each one to play a part in His will....and I'm sooo blessed to be able to say that I'm here to lead His sheep.....and that He trusts me with such a great responsibility.....I'm in awe....and so blessed.

I can feel the complacency seeping in and taking over my heart.

I'm trying to fight...

but I'm overwhelmed with the feeling to just let everything be....

I want to go deeper...

but I don't want to work for it...

it's too hard...

so instead I compromise and sit back and stay....

stagnant...

ok with where I am....

Oh I can see where I was and where I've been....

and where He wants me...

but...

I lack the motivation to want to get there

and as others battle the wrath of Satan....

I battle myself....

because I have become my own worse enemy

So I officially have no choice but to take my work home with me.....it's funny because I'm living at my church...those of you who thought you were going to be great, wonderful pastors....I have one up on you I love this job soooo much that I've chosen to live here 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the next 4 months....actually it doesn't work that way at all.....but it should be good....I'm kinda excited to be here...nervous as heck...and because I'm the intern I get all the BEST jobs in the world...haha....well if you consider vaccuming up 3 vaccuums full of water an hour that's one of the best jobs....

But for real...things are going good...I've been Intern Pastor Sasha for 48 hours....and well...I've done a lot of stuff....they have put me in every ministry that you can think of....from Seniors to the kids...I've got it all covered......

I'm excited...nervous as nervous can be to preach 3 times!! but it should be good...except when PK looked at me and said he wanted me to preach a youth retreat...scared the pants off of me!!! EEEK!!!!

It shall be good....I'm anticipating the things that God is going to to.....we've already had a fire tunnel and the youth have all asked to be prayed for to have the gift of tongues! God is amazing...and I know that He has a purpose in having me here for the summer...I can't wait to see what that purpose is!

Be blessed!

I've decided that I dont want to ever be a legalistic Christian. Tonight I was able to appreciate the things that King's has taught me....I am able to love and accept ppl no matter what....regardless of the things that they do. Regardless of whether or not I have the same convictions....I dont ever want to judge those who have a different view point on what it means to be living on this road and journey in attempting to find Christ. All confessing Christians are on this same road....trying to find Jesus....some of us take slightly different paths...it doesnt mean that I'm better or worse then you...just different.

I also don't ever want to become sooo "holy" that I am no longer making an influence on the people around me. I dont want to become so set apart that real people are scared to hang out with me....I think that that is where Christians go wrong....we make the gospel sooooo irrelevant to the non Christians..that we become stumbling blocks. I know that this is a very grey area...but all I know is that I want to be able to reach the unsaved....Jesus spent time w/ the sinners....drinking wine and just hanging out....I think when we become sooo holy that even that is a hard task for us....we are missing the mark....can I take this one step further by saying that the church today looks like a bunch of pious Pharisees....sure they've got the law down. They look good on the outside...but it's their hearts that God is looking at...and it's their hearts that smell of rotting.

Isn't being real with people....and being ok to share ur struggles and burdens with people far greater then looking at our outward appearance??? Somebody said something tonight that hasn't really crossed my mind...but I saw the truth in it...they admitted feeling as though they were able to be real with non-Christians more then with that of Christians. How sad is it when we all have to look to the world to accept us because other Christians are too busy judging each other then to see the pain and heart ache behind each glance?

I guess why this whole situation is radiating in my heart so much is because God has been showing me how much of a Pharisee I in fact am. I can smell the stench within my own heart...so for me to judge you about yours is neither fair nor what I think the Bible is calling us to do. We are to love one another.....and if we only ever look at what's being shown on the outside..and judging every bloody action that we see we are never going to really truly see the heart of the other individual. Never....because we will be blinded by the differences....I dont know if any of this really makes sense...it's 3 AM....but ya....I'm really bothered...and really challenged....I want to be Jesus to people......and that means sinking down...getting off my pedestal...and being real, open, honest and accepting....because in the end....we're all a bunch of stupid sheep trying to find our way....sure some look like they have it all together...and others fall a little behind in the flock...but we all follow one Shepherd...and that's the most important thing.

I've never felt like I could not do something as much as I feel like I can't write this dang exam.....I mean...I can't focus...there is nothing in me that wants to even think about doing this right now....it's tempting to walk into the exam tomorrow and write my name at the top and write a story for Guthrie. I think that he would like that far better then marking some stupid exam.

I've been kinda WAY out of it tonight...not even a little bit out of it....like REALLY out of it.....I was reading about Moses leading the Israelites outta Egypt and instead of saying Egypt i said....um....SLEEGYPT....well we laughed...and laughed...and...um....laughed...it was crazy....and it kept going I tried to say that Connie was a piece of.....and I said a Pizza.....ha ha ha...ya...it's gonna be a long night...or not...depending on how productive I feel...in fact I might just go to bed and wake up early......

Connie and I have found a swell new place to live for next yr...our landlord has told us that he's selling the proporty and that our lease expires at the end of Aug....well that sucks for me and Connie...cuz we loved the pillar...and the llama shed...and had so many ideas for next yr....so we are moving into a house w/ Terri, a girl from Vanguard....along w/ 2 other girls...so there will be 5 of us. Con and I are sharing a room which is kinda exciting...I really cant wait.....so I'll be there for sure for half a year...and then come December who knows what I'm doing...I know what I want to do...but we'll see where God is calling me...and if it's to continue at Vanguard then that is what I will do....

It's 5:07 AM....and I think that I've gotten a total of like 15 hours of sleep in like 4 days....life has been crazy...and the only thing I can think about is the next 3 days...and then it's all gonna be over......that's just a mere 72 hours to pack, clean, study, write tests, do surveys....it seems like the list continues on and on......it will all get done.....it always does...the funny thing is I'm stressed about not stressing.....I know...who does that?!?!?!? I know that if I don't get any sleep I'm gonna be turing into a nut....so big and brown lying on the cold cold ground......that's my nut song... IT'S HAPPENING!!!!! EEK! This is what I look like when I'm tired, stressed and hungery....don't mess with me...I could be dangerous!!

God is offically amazing......I know...I shoulda figured that out before now...but I think I know that especially now. I got all my student loan stuff in the mail this past weekend. I opened up the Alberta one and I owed like $1600....it was kinda low but I thought that it was ok and continued on to open up the Canada one.....now I've been in school for 4 yrs and have averaged like $12 000 a yr...so that's like $48 000. Well...I opend it up....and looked at the amount that my frst payment was going to be....and it said 0!! I was like what?!?!?! and then I looked at my balance.....and it was 0!!! I figured that it coulda been a misprint and then I checked my account online and it said that it was inactive....that I didnt have a loan.......

I've been really worried about money lately. I mean....I'm not a kid that has the privilage of having everything paid for by parents.....I've been slightly bitter at times....but know that it was just something that I was going to have to overcome. Well.....God provided. I think that it's clear that I've followed His will too. I was worried in having to do 5 yrs of school.....that's a lot of money down the drain to be qualified to be a pastor.....but...He's provided....I'm so amazingly blessed...beyond anything that I ever thought would happen. I'm still slightly skeptical....but I'm going to call them and see what happend.

To make things even better....I'm considering the option of doing 6 classes in the fall and then moving and doing 2 classes by corespondance. I dont know where I would go...but right at this moment it seems like a great idea!!!

I want to leave you with these words: Trust in the LORD with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

If He will do it for me....He will do it for you....blessings...

I've always heard that Bible college is the hardest place to be a Christian....and I think that I'm beginning to understand why. I mean....we are constantly on the go....serving here....doing another assignment there.....and in your spare time the last thing you feel like doing is reading the Bible...that just seems like there will have to be another assignment to write. So you pray...quick little "God get me through this" prayers....and sure you know that it's not enough....but it's all that you have time for.

As I sat in chapel yesterday God said "It's one thing to know about Me...it's another thing to KNOW Me...." I sat and was like..."Wow God....I study you all day....and it's a blessing to be here and studying the Word....but I would rather know You then about You!" It kinda came to me. If we don't learn to seek God in now..when will we?? It's never going to get easier....so what are we waiting for??? I dont know....I challenge you to seek to KNOW God and not just know about Him....so what if we can articulate a good sentence about dispensationalism....it all starts in our hearts and without that we have nothing.

I just kinda blew.....I tried not to....I tried to hold all the anger in....but I just get so frustrated sometimes. I've been tested so much lately....I guess I shoulda just walked away. I just got off the phone with my mom. It's really frustrating sometimes because she picks and picks and picks....and feels like she is purposefully trying to open all of the wounds. I understand that she's hurt....I understand that she's human....but when will she choose to let go and forgive everything that has happend in the past? It's hard to love past the hurt....especially when she refuses to acknowledge the fact that we (my sister and I) were also hurt in the process. She doesnt realize that we lost a family.....we lost the support that was needed so much....the love that cant be filled by any other earthly person....she doesnt see that....

Will anything ever make sense??? Will the wounds ever be healed? We made a choice for God....will He ever heal my family???? I would like to think that one day He will...that one day they will understand our love and our passion for God.....it's days like these where that reality seems so far away.....and when my mom points out all the flaws in my life and character and when "I'm trying" just isnt good enough and I feel like the biggest failure...I mean I know that I'm not a horrible person....I know that I'm human....I just wish that I could somehow be a better example....

I keep trying.....Pastor Lyle questioned why Carla and I continue to return to our family when all it seems like is a big problem...and instead of getting ahead we end up 15 steps back. I guess nobody will or can realize what it is like to not have a family that is there to support you no matter what....or somewhere to turn when you need help.....everybody else is able to depend on their families when the going gets tough or when they make mistakes.....there's nothing behind Car and I.....I cant express the panic that I feel when I take every step of my life....knowing that it could break me....not knowing where I could end up.....it's scary...and the only thing that I can depend on is God....cuz I really have nothing else in this world. Sure it doesnt seem fair...but I gotta suck it up and keep going....cuz I've got nothing else....

I cant believe that it's 2 in the morning and I just finished my paper and the first thing I do is write a blog...you think I would go to bed.....

I had a really weird experience today. Reesor was trying to do some "unique" teaching method in Gospels and he took us on a feild trip...WAIT...before you get excited....it was only around the school grounds...which I guess is still kinda more exciting then sitting in a class.....but he told us that we were going to go onto the roof. Now....before I go any further with my story...I am ok...and no I'm not suicidal....well..the my first thought after he said that was for me to throw myself off of the school roof. But it just didnt stop there....the thoughts were like all crazy demonic and stuff....like satan was telling me that killin myself infront of every body would be some sort of witness or somethin....I dont know...it was just really twisted.

Well obvisouly I made it back down.....safely....but ya....that was just the weirdest feelings in the world...cuz I know that if I woulda been on the roof at that moment I prolly woulda jumped off no questions asked.

I'm sleepy....but dont want to sleep....I feel broken....I dont even know if that's the word...I'm sooo unsure about EVERYTHING in my life right now...I mean I thought I was sure...but then I'm having second guesses. I feel stupid.....don't think I regret some of the stuff I said...but I am slightly embarassed....oh well....life will continue....unless I do jump off the school.....no really...I'm just kidding.....connie where's a llama when I need one?!?!?!?

I'm all mixed up inside....
not really sure what not to hide.
My hearts incomplete
but this seems like such a great feat.
Wanting to run and escape this mess
But I'm met w/ Your tenderness....

Longing for all that's planned
But finding it hard to obey Your command
Dont know what's You or what's me
When will I finally be set free?

Guess I'll find out when I'm up there with You
What it was You've called me to do
Until then I'll search and try to find my way
Giving up my life for You every day
I know it's not much...but it's I'll I've got
and You comfort me cuz my souls aready bought.


This came outta nowhere this afternoon...it's kinda funny cuz I was thinkin the other day about when I was just a little Christian how I use to love God sooo much that I couldnt stop writting poetry about Him and all the love that He had for me. This poem kinda just poured outta me....I dont know if it makes any sense....but it's what's in my heart right now....

Wow.....I just had the funniest thing happen to me. There has been this friend of mine who for the past few weeks has been asking to "get together" and after the third time I told him that he had to stop and respect me. He's not a Christian so I didnt really expect anything more. Well I was just talking to him tonight on MSN....and well he asked to go for coffee....I said that that wasnt possible because of my schedual and then he got really upset. I wasnt really sure why. And then he was like "I should have left it.... you and me have been over for awhile now" and I was like WHAT?!?!? What do you mean by over??? It turns out that he thought that we were dating um....without me knowing....HAHAHAHAHA SOOOOOO FUNNY.....I had to tell him that we were only friends and that we would only ever be friends.....but now all the sexual invetations make sense! So when asked about how many guys I've dated does he count if I never knew that we were dating???? How do you break up if you were never dating in the first place??? ....so funny.....

What is love??? No really.....love. How do you describe it? How do you know that that is what you in fact are in? Do you ever really know? Or is there a point where you just all of a sudden just KNOW that you know that you know?? Some Christians give the "ultraspiritual" answer. "It's like 1Corinthians 13 says...it's patient, and kind, and does not envy and is not boastful..." That answer does not satisfy the "earthly" more tangible essence of life....seriously how do you know? Butterflies in the stomach? A "sparkle" in their eye......I've determined that life is sooo complex...so subjective....and trying to figure out where one truely fits in and really understands where he/she is.....or maybe that's just the girl in me....never knowing how I feel...always so emotional....I'm thankful that God is above all human emotion. That He in fact is not just a feeling.....and that He never changes like our emotions.....I guess when trying to answer the love question, as a Christian, we must look to God....cuz He IS Love.....I just find that so hard to fit into a category that we can give humanly experiential terms to. Ultimately I don't think we can do justice that way.....but I guess we can try.

God's been reminding me about the love that He has for His children a lot lately. I had a horrible thing happen last week...my computer died. Not even a nice die...I mean it broke hardcore....and I had a nervous breakdown. Students out there will understand because I had finished my Hebrew paper that was due on the monday...but it was on the computer. I knew that the machine was fixable but all the work that I had put into this paper was all that I was worried about. Well to make a long story short...I was given a new computer even though I wasnt suppose to get one....and I was suppose to pay $350 and they told me that I didnt have to. When it first broke down I did the "pentecostal Bible college student thing" by laying hands on it and when that didnt work I cried like I've never cried. But even in those moments I knew that God had to do something....b/c even in what seems to be impossible He makes possible....

God is the God of the big and the small. That's what I'm learning. I feel so undeserving...but that's the greatest thing about it because I don't deserve it...but He loves me enough to provide my every need.....and just in case your'e wondering....I got my paper....and I handed it in and my only concern now is whether or not I'll get the A that I was aiming for.

I really don't understand why it seems as though everybody is having a rough 2 weeks....it's been crazy the stuff that's happening...and I'm soo tired...but I know that perserverance is what I need....and trusting in God to pull us up out of the deep end....I just wish I knew the outcome....

I caught myself smiling thinking about things today....it's a feeling I havent felt before....it was nice....really nice.....

God's been doing soooo much in my life this past couple of weeks. I've been ripped in two emotionally....and have discovered that grades and school dont really matter when a person you love is in trouble and needs your help. And even though my instincts were to pick up and run and rescue her God told me to wait....and give her back to Him. I'm talking about my sister. She's been really depressed lately....to the point of where I dont really know what stupid decisions she might make. I've been worried every second...of every minute...of every day for the past 2 weeks....but as I sat in a chapel service 4 days ago God said "Sasha how can you help her if you yourself are dry and broken?" I cried.....for a while...and as I did something broke...I felt lighter...my yoke had been lifted...and I had let God in.....

I've also learned the importance of prayer....when I had nothing else to lean on....and nowhere else to turn...I prayed....when there were no word that I could offer to ppl all I asked is for them to pray....I know that deep down...God has heard my cry....and I'm in awe....

I've also been wondering about my future...and am asking myself where God wants me in the fall. I'm 7 courses away from having my second degree....7 courses that I can take through correspondence and go anywhere in the world....I'm waiting on God for that one tho....

Most of all....I'm being reminded time and time again that I need to give my struggles over to God....and give them to Him...fully and completely....I feel comfortable when I'm in control...but slowly and painfully I'm learning that it's not about me....it's about Him and His glory.....

I'm overwhelmed with my life. I just want to escape to the past where I was happy and where things made partial sense. Out here I'm so vulnerable.....and I've been stepped on a few times...my heart was smashed once. Every body says that that one person is out there for you....where is he??? I've been waiting for so long.....I've been patient and faithful....but mostly I've just been lonely.

I loved myself for the first time in a long time 2day. Being in the ministry I find it so hard to be real with people. They all bring expectations to the table....and since I get classed as a pastor to be I have huge expectations of how I'm to act....what I'm suppose to say....heaven forbid I step on some toes and offend anybody...the Gospel is about love....right?..... Well I think I got a glimpse of the real me for a few seconds......and I didnt think I was ugly.....I was beautiful....for a moment the worlds standards did not matter....I felt desirable....something I have never felt. It's hard to try and cling to that happiness...I feel it escaping me as I type.....the childhood memories overflow my mind..."You're fat" "You're Ugly" "I would never like somebody as fat as you" the pain......

How can I not assume that it is always going to be this way? When will things change? When will other's love me for who God created me to be? And most importantly....when will I love me for who God created me?

Everybody in my life thinks that they know what or who is best for me. It makes me frustrated, especially when they tell me that I don't know what I want and should be happy where I am presently at...they don't know me or my heart who are they to comment what's best? ERRRRRR........ Why can't people just mind their own business?

I also encountered an individual the other night who made me angrier then I have almost ever been. He commented that he had heard the good news....that being that me and my boyfriend had broken up....WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEBODY??? ....I wanted to kick him soooo hard...and then crawl into a hole and cry for like an hour.....I dont understand why some people are complete retardes....I makes me angry.....and the one thought that frustrates me even more is the fact that I'm going to have to work with people like that for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in the ministry.....it makes me want to quickly switch career paths and be some sort of researcher on a remote island somewhere.....where the only person I have to rely on is myself....I'm frustrated and angry and want to hide from the world....but I have to face my life and the things that I am called to do.....and that means facing some of the stupid people in it.....

When will I be happy? That's the question that me and my friend Kayla tried to figure out last night. I have determined that if I am not happy now....I never will be. As a Christian the obvious answer is that God is ultimately the only one who can make me happy. But how????? I guess I'm just at a point where I don't understand life or anything else....and it's so frustrating. I wish that things were somehow different....but even then I wouldnt be happy. I like to play the "what if" game.... what if we don't break up and stay together...what if I didn't choose to be a pastor and go for something that would make me a lot of money?

So many questions with no answers. Everything in me wants to rebel to escape this life that I'm living....I'm not perfect I know....but boy are you looked down upon when you arn't.....it doesn't make sense I know....that's why so many Christans wear a mask because we set these impossible standards for ourselves and when we dont meet them we're ashamed of ourselves.....it doesnt make sense. I just want to live....and be a real person...with real problems...who really loves Jesus. Is that possible?? I guess I'll find out.