I'm overwhelmed with my life. I just want to escape to the past where I was happy and where things made partial sense. Out here I'm so vulnerable.....and I've been stepped on a few times...my heart was smashed once. Every body says that that one person is out there for you....where is he??? I've been waiting for so long.....I've been patient and faithful....but mostly I've just been lonely.

I loved myself for the first time in a long time 2day. Being in the ministry I find it so hard to be real with people. They all bring expectations to the table....and since I get classed as a pastor to be I have huge expectations of how I'm to act....what I'm suppose to say....heaven forbid I step on some toes and offend anybody...the Gospel is about love....right?..... Well I think I got a glimpse of the real me for a few seconds......and I didnt think I was ugly.....I was beautiful....for a moment the worlds standards did not matter....I felt desirable....something I have never felt. It's hard to try and cling to that happiness...I feel it escaping me as I type.....the childhood memories overflow my mind..."You're fat" "You're Ugly" "I would never like somebody as fat as you" the pain......

How can I not assume that it is always going to be this way? When will things change? When will other's love me for who God created me to be? And most importantly....when will I love me for who God created me?