running

Where do you run to get away? Impulse drives me to come home to the country where I spent much of my childhood. I come to escape the different lives I lead and just come and sit in the pasture, where as a little girl I would come when I needed to escape the “harshness” of life. Walking through the fields, now speckled with fallen trees and every sign of winter, I feel safe. I feel as though it is here where I can be me and not have to pretend to smile or pretend to be ok. Memories of my childhood searches flood back into my mind. Day after day I would take refuge in the back forest as I became dinosaur-bone-hunter-extraordinaire. I would spend entire afternoon’s collecting bones that were half the size of me thinking that I was going to make my family rich. There were intentions of getting myself out of the messes that I had gotten myself into and escaping the reality of my life. Of course the reality of it all came to me when I was laughed at by a family friend and I discovered that those bones didn’t even come close to being ancient, they were from cows. In that back pasture I would search for berries that would sustain me for “days” when I was going to run away and live in the tree house‘s that my sister and I were going to build. Sometimes I would just go to explore. I would follow the croaking of the frogs or follow any little creature that I would hear scatter through the forest. It’s there were I found refuge.

As I sit here now, I come, just as I once did when I was little. I come to escape the harshness of the world, it seems so much bigger then it ever did when I was five. However, instead of searching for bones or berries, I come now searching for the broken pieces of my heart. The pieces that somehow got lost and buried in my life. In all reality, I know that I will have to return to the things that I am running from. I know that I will have to be ok….or look like I am, but it is here where I can be real with what I am going through and not have to masquerade around with a smile on my face pretending like nothing is wrong. I can cry and scream and the worse thing that is going to happen are the cows just beyond the fence are going to judge me.

This time though it’s different. I come to escape, but I come to be rescued. When I was little I never had the dreams of the knight in shinning armour coming to save me because I was too independent and too self sufficient for that. As I find myself all grown up I now feel helpless and alone. Surrounded by the birds and cows, I know that I can never make it alone in this wilderness. I wait for my Saviour to come rescue me. My own search for the broken pieces of my heart concludes when I see that all of my efforts are useless. Useless because it is an impossible task that I can not face on my own. The times of “self sufficient Sasha” have to be no more. I am left with no choice but to let Him come and search after me, and save me from this mess. So all I can do is merely be me in this wilderness. I can come to escape. I can come with all of my efforts and all of my intentions but it will never work. It’s like God is sitting there telling me that, just like with those bones I may have the intentions to change my world and to become the Sasha that I want to become, however I have to succumb to the things that He has in store no matter how difficult and how ridiculous that they may be.

I have the ability to control the things that go in my mind.
I can keep you out.
I can force myself to flood my mind with other things.
Happier things….
but in all reality they are only things.
My thoughts I can control….
my emotions I can control….
I can even control the tears that are flooding my eyes
attempting to escape
but I dare not let them.
The thing that I cannot control
is the smell of you that permeates my senses.
I can’t get you out
I can try but you are still here.
I want to be able to say that you are gone
That I have replaced you
But I can’t
I want to……
Trust me I would have a long time ago
But something holds on
It clings to that one last remnant of you
And it will have to stay
Until I can obtain enough courage
To wash my blanket.

As I sit...praying... seeking His face....I'm tormented by the things of my past. All the psychology in the world can't get me to let go... to move on... to heal. It's funny how I tend to bottle things up.... I have 22 yrs of hidden emotion... stuff I haven't even discovered. There's still a little girl in there....waiting for her dad.... there's the broken, suicidal teen age girl.... there's the new found Christian trying to find her way as she's rejected by her family and friends... and then... there's me. So much pain in there.... it's funny how four little words can trigger it all......

I'm not quit sure what I'm feeling or where I'm going with any of this. It's funny...am I just not hearing God's voice??? Am I wrong?? I donno... all I know is that I feel like throwing up... and feel like crawling into a hole.... anybody got ideas where I can find one....I'm not in the mood to dig.

I LOVE MY ROOMY'S...yes I am a dork

I haven't posted about a few amazing girls that I have had the priveledge to both meet and live with this year. I was kinda concerned about the whole roomy situation...because the past couple of years have been...uh...interesting. Connie left me in charge of coordinating that as she took care of the house business so....I set out on an adventure. I made a couple of postings on the Vanguard site and soon found a couple of girls. There was some uneasiness but I prayed that whatever God wanted would happen...and as I sit here today....I am not sad that some girls backed out....or that some changed their minds because I know that the girls that I have were in God's plan. It's almost 2 months in...and yes...I'm not naive...but we haven't fought yet. I know that we will..... but I think that we love each other enough to get through it. I'm sooo blessed by each one. Bernice/Beatrice/The Other-one/Alicia is sooo humble and giving...that girl will give you ANYTHING...I've learned not to ask unless I'm serious. Michelle is shy at first...but you get her going and she will laugh like crazy. She has a passion to read the Word and dedicate time and energy in memorizing it. Connie is one of my bestest friends EVER....I love my girl... and Stepha...she's me....yup..me....I love her to pieces she's like a little sister to me and blesses me on a daily basis.

So those are the new roomy's in my life. I love them to pieces.... I can't wait to see what else happens this yr.... it seems like surprise after surprise.... new friendships...new relationship... good grades... STRESS...but it's worth it....God is amazing....

I'm happy..... really happy... dispite all the questions and concerns of others... dispite what I think I should be feeling or tell myself I should be feeling... I'm happy..... it's nice to feel this way again....

jaded imperfect perception

JESUS SAVE ME
from myself
For even I am not sure
of what I'm capable of
In my own sin
I am jaded
by the imperfect perception
of who it is
that I am
My standards
are only ever focused on
external gain
My carnal desires
Are a putrid stench in Your nostrils
Yet, the only smell that I let capture my senses
is the smell of my expensive perfume.

I'm delicate

My heart is fragile

please put it back down

regardless of how strong it's walls look

how tough and controlled it's exterior

I put on a good show

Don't do those things

and expect me not to question

maybe for awhile

I'll turn my head away

maybe for awhile

I'll play your game

But that's only me trying to lie to myself

So please,

you can't handle all that's in there

all those walls are up for a reason

Just put it down gentley

and walk away

incoherent made coherent...well...maybe

I've been sitting for day's attempting to put together a series of incoherent thoughts that I can't even begin to articulate to myself let alone the rest of the world. It's been a long week. I'm so far behind in school, I'm drowning, and as I attempt to produce paper after paper I have been lost in the reason as to why I'm even here. Well...maybe not lost....just misplaced it? Ok...maybe I've shoved it into a closet with no intention of pulling it out anytime soon.

You know what I love most? When you feel so dang far from God....but yet you aren't cuz you can see His hand in EVERY aspect of your life. Soooooo much has happened this past week. I've been pushed to re-evaluate the things that I believe. I've been tested and challenged in my abilities to open up and share the contents of this dark and lonely heart. I've had to reveal pieces of me that I never thought that I would be able to. I swear I was suppose to be harmed but was saved from that....

There has just been moment after moment of God's hand intervening and pruning, His sculpting and refining. I've found passion's that He's given to me and I've never really cared to explore them as options before. The most important thing that He's done has been making me understand who "Sasha" is in the context of His Grace and Love...and how that no matter how unwise the decisions are that I make...and how much I stumble and fall He is there holding my hand waiting until I want to get back up and give it another shot.

So you know what....my grades might crap out this semester....and I might be so far behind I feel as though I'm drowning in a sea of papers....and I might not "feel" as though God is here....but i know that He is....I just have to look around and inside to see what He's doing.




"I was with you in that valley...and up upon that hill, so take just one more step infront of you for I am with you from step to step...you're not alone." ~NEEDTOBREATHE

Poor Baby Hippo

This is such a girly story but I shall tell it. The roomy's and I were watching TV tonight and I was in charge of the remote. We stumbled upon this show on Animal Planet about hippo's and I stopped to watch it. Steph....my roomy...loves the movie March of the Penguines so in hopes of trying to convince her that penguines are dumb I made her watch the hippos. Just then this cute baby hippo was shown on the screen HE WAS SOOOO cute...all of us girls were AWWWWWing... and everything it totally caught our complete attention. So we're watching this little gaffer swim and play with his mommy...adorable right.... well all of a sudden this other hippo comes and chomps down on our baby and attempts to kill it!! Well by this point I've got the whole house of girls screaming at me in sheer horror over this dying baby hippo....and then it did actually die ....and I swear Alicia cried. All I have to say is that I will stick to The March of the Penguines and never venture to Animal Planet again....



hippo prey
by:philip stockley