I've decided that I dont want to ever be a legalistic Christian. Tonight I was able to appreciate the things that King's has taught me....I am able to love and accept ppl no matter what....regardless of the things that they do. Regardless of whether or not I have the same convictions....I dont ever want to judge those who have a different view point on what it means to be living on this road and journey in attempting to find Christ. All confessing Christians are on this same road....trying to find Jesus....some of us take slightly different paths...it doesnt mean that I'm better or worse then you...just different.

I also don't ever want to become sooo "holy" that I am no longer making an influence on the people around me. I dont want to become so set apart that real people are scared to hang out with me....I think that that is where Christians go wrong....we make the gospel sooooo irrelevant to the non Christians..that we become stumbling blocks. I know that this is a very grey area...but all I know is that I want to be able to reach the unsaved....Jesus spent time w/ the sinners....drinking wine and just hanging out....I think when we become sooo holy that even that is a hard task for us....we are missing the mark....can I take this one step further by saying that the church today looks like a bunch of pious Pharisees....sure they've got the law down. They look good on the outside...but it's their hearts that God is looking at...and it's their hearts that smell of rotting.

Isn't being real with people....and being ok to share ur struggles and burdens with people far greater then looking at our outward appearance??? Somebody said something tonight that hasn't really crossed my mind...but I saw the truth in it...they admitted feeling as though they were able to be real with non-Christians more then with that of Christians. How sad is it when we all have to look to the world to accept us because other Christians are too busy judging each other then to see the pain and heart ache behind each glance?

I guess why this whole situation is radiating in my heart so much is because God has been showing me how much of a Pharisee I in fact am. I can smell the stench within my own heart...so for me to judge you about yours is neither fair nor what I think the Bible is calling us to do. We are to love one another.....and if we only ever look at what's being shown on the outside..and judging every bloody action that we see we are never going to really truly see the heart of the other individual. Never....because we will be blinded by the differences....I dont know if any of this really makes sense...it's 3 AM....but ya....I'm really bothered...and really challenged....I want to be Jesus to people......and that means sinking down...getting off my pedestal...and being real, open, honest and accepting....because in the end....we're all a bunch of stupid sheep trying to find our way....sure some look like they have it all together...and others fall a little behind in the flock...but we all follow one Shepherd...and that's the most important thing.

I've never felt like I could not do something as much as I feel like I can't write this dang exam.....I mean...I can't focus...there is nothing in me that wants to even think about doing this right now....it's tempting to walk into the exam tomorrow and write my name at the top and write a story for Guthrie. I think that he would like that far better then marking some stupid exam.

I've been kinda WAY out of it tonight...not even a little bit out of it....like REALLY out of it.....I was reading about Moses leading the Israelites outta Egypt and instead of saying Egypt i said....um....SLEEGYPT....well we laughed...and laughed...and...um....laughed...it was crazy....and it kept going I tried to say that Connie was a piece of.....and I said a Pizza.....ha ha ha...ya...it's gonna be a long night...or not...depending on how productive I feel...in fact I might just go to bed and wake up early......

Connie and I have found a swell new place to live for next yr...our landlord has told us that he's selling the proporty and that our lease expires at the end of Aug....well that sucks for me and Connie...cuz we loved the pillar...and the llama shed...and had so many ideas for next yr....so we are moving into a house w/ Terri, a girl from Vanguard....along w/ 2 other girls...so there will be 5 of us. Con and I are sharing a room which is kinda exciting...I really cant wait.....so I'll be there for sure for half a year...and then come December who knows what I'm doing...I know what I want to do...but we'll see where God is calling me...and if it's to continue at Vanguard then that is what I will do....

It's 5:07 AM....and I think that I've gotten a total of like 15 hours of sleep in like 4 days....life has been crazy...and the only thing I can think about is the next 3 days...and then it's all gonna be over......that's just a mere 72 hours to pack, clean, study, write tests, do surveys....it seems like the list continues on and on......it will all get done.....it always does...the funny thing is I'm stressed about not stressing.....I know...who does that?!?!?!? I know that if I don't get any sleep I'm gonna be turing into a nut....so big and brown lying on the cold cold ground......that's my nut song... IT'S HAPPENING!!!!! EEK! This is what I look like when I'm tired, stressed and hungery....don't mess with me...I could be dangerous!!

God is offically amazing......I know...I shoulda figured that out before now...but I think I know that especially now. I got all my student loan stuff in the mail this past weekend. I opened up the Alberta one and I owed like $1600....it was kinda low but I thought that it was ok and continued on to open up the Canada one.....now I've been in school for 4 yrs and have averaged like $12 000 a yr...so that's like $48 000. Well...I opend it up....and looked at the amount that my frst payment was going to be....and it said 0!! I was like what?!?!?! and then I looked at my balance.....and it was 0!!! I figured that it coulda been a misprint and then I checked my account online and it said that it was inactive....that I didnt have a loan.......

I've been really worried about money lately. I mean....I'm not a kid that has the privilage of having everything paid for by parents.....I've been slightly bitter at times....but know that it was just something that I was going to have to overcome. Well.....God provided. I think that it's clear that I've followed His will too. I was worried in having to do 5 yrs of school.....that's a lot of money down the drain to be qualified to be a pastor.....but...He's provided....I'm so amazingly blessed...beyond anything that I ever thought would happen. I'm still slightly skeptical....but I'm going to call them and see what happend.

To make things even better....I'm considering the option of doing 6 classes in the fall and then moving and doing 2 classes by corespondance. I dont know where I would go...but right at this moment it seems like a great idea!!!

I want to leave you with these words: Trust in the LORD with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

If He will do it for me....He will do it for you....blessings...

I've always heard that Bible college is the hardest place to be a Christian....and I think that I'm beginning to understand why. I mean....we are constantly on the go....serving here....doing another assignment there.....and in your spare time the last thing you feel like doing is reading the Bible...that just seems like there will have to be another assignment to write. So you pray...quick little "God get me through this" prayers....and sure you know that it's not enough....but it's all that you have time for.

As I sat in chapel yesterday God said "It's one thing to know about Me...it's another thing to KNOW Me...." I sat and was like..."Wow God....I study you all day....and it's a blessing to be here and studying the Word....but I would rather know You then about You!" It kinda came to me. If we don't learn to seek God in now..when will we?? It's never going to get easier....so what are we waiting for??? I dont know....I challenge you to seek to KNOW God and not just know about Him....so what if we can articulate a good sentence about dispensationalism....it all starts in our hearts and without that we have nothing.

I just kinda blew.....I tried not to....I tried to hold all the anger in....but I just get so frustrated sometimes. I've been tested so much lately....I guess I shoulda just walked away. I just got off the phone with my mom. It's really frustrating sometimes because she picks and picks and picks....and feels like she is purposefully trying to open all of the wounds. I understand that she's hurt....I understand that she's human....but when will she choose to let go and forgive everything that has happend in the past? It's hard to love past the hurt....especially when she refuses to acknowledge the fact that we (my sister and I) were also hurt in the process. She doesnt realize that we lost a family.....we lost the support that was needed so much....the love that cant be filled by any other earthly person....she doesnt see that....

Will anything ever make sense??? Will the wounds ever be healed? We made a choice for God....will He ever heal my family???? I would like to think that one day He will...that one day they will understand our love and our passion for God.....it's days like these where that reality seems so far away.....and when my mom points out all the flaws in my life and character and when "I'm trying" just isnt good enough and I feel like the biggest failure...I mean I know that I'm not a horrible person....I know that I'm human....I just wish that I could somehow be a better example....

I keep trying.....Pastor Lyle questioned why Carla and I continue to return to our family when all it seems like is a big problem...and instead of getting ahead we end up 15 steps back. I guess nobody will or can realize what it is like to not have a family that is there to support you no matter what....or somewhere to turn when you need help.....everybody else is able to depend on their families when the going gets tough or when they make mistakes.....there's nothing behind Car and I.....I cant express the panic that I feel when I take every step of my life....knowing that it could break me....not knowing where I could end up.....it's scary...and the only thing that I can depend on is God....cuz I really have nothing else in this world. Sure it doesnt seem fair...but I gotta suck it up and keep going....cuz I've got nothing else....

I cant believe that it's 2 in the morning and I just finished my paper and the first thing I do is write a blog...you think I would go to bed.....

I had a really weird experience today. Reesor was trying to do some "unique" teaching method in Gospels and he took us on a feild trip...WAIT...before you get excited....it was only around the school grounds...which I guess is still kinda more exciting then sitting in a class.....but he told us that we were going to go onto the roof. Now....before I go any further with my story...I am ok...and no I'm not suicidal....well..the my first thought after he said that was for me to throw myself off of the school roof. But it just didnt stop there....the thoughts were like all crazy demonic and stuff....like satan was telling me that killin myself infront of every body would be some sort of witness or somethin....I dont know...it was just really twisted.

Well obvisouly I made it back down.....safely....but ya....that was just the weirdest feelings in the world...cuz I know that if I woulda been on the roof at that moment I prolly woulda jumped off no questions asked.

I'm sleepy....but dont want to sleep....I feel broken....I dont even know if that's the word...I'm sooo unsure about EVERYTHING in my life right now...I mean I thought I was sure...but then I'm having second guesses. I feel stupid.....don't think I regret some of the stuff I said...but I am slightly embarassed....oh well....life will continue....unless I do jump off the school.....no really...I'm just kidding.....connie where's a llama when I need one?!?!?!?

I'm all mixed up inside....
not really sure what not to hide.
My hearts incomplete
but this seems like such a great feat.
Wanting to run and escape this mess
But I'm met w/ Your tenderness....

Longing for all that's planned
But finding it hard to obey Your command
Dont know what's You or what's me
When will I finally be set free?

Guess I'll find out when I'm up there with You
What it was You've called me to do
Until then I'll search and try to find my way
Giving up my life for You every day
I know it's not much...but it's I'll I've got
and You comfort me cuz my souls aready bought.


This came outta nowhere this afternoon...it's kinda funny cuz I was thinkin the other day about when I was just a little Christian how I use to love God sooo much that I couldnt stop writting poetry about Him and all the love that He had for me. This poem kinda just poured outta me....I dont know if it makes any sense....but it's what's in my heart right now....

Wow.....I just had the funniest thing happen to me. There has been this friend of mine who for the past few weeks has been asking to "get together" and after the third time I told him that he had to stop and respect me. He's not a Christian so I didnt really expect anything more. Well I was just talking to him tonight on MSN....and well he asked to go for coffee....I said that that wasnt possible because of my schedual and then he got really upset. I wasnt really sure why. And then he was like "I should have left it.... you and me have been over for awhile now" and I was like WHAT?!?!? What do you mean by over??? It turns out that he thought that we were dating um....without me knowing....HAHAHAHAHA SOOOOOO FUNNY.....I had to tell him that we were only friends and that we would only ever be friends.....but now all the sexual invetations make sense! So when asked about how many guys I've dated does he count if I never knew that we were dating???? How do you break up if you were never dating in the first place??? ....so funny.....

What is love??? No really.....love. How do you describe it? How do you know that that is what you in fact are in? Do you ever really know? Or is there a point where you just all of a sudden just KNOW that you know that you know?? Some Christians give the "ultraspiritual" answer. "It's like 1Corinthians 13 says...it's patient, and kind, and does not envy and is not boastful..." That answer does not satisfy the "earthly" more tangible essence of life....seriously how do you know? Butterflies in the stomach? A "sparkle" in their eye......I've determined that life is sooo complex...so subjective....and trying to figure out where one truely fits in and really understands where he/she is.....or maybe that's just the girl in me....never knowing how I feel...always so emotional....I'm thankful that God is above all human emotion. That He in fact is not just a feeling.....and that He never changes like our emotions.....I guess when trying to answer the love question, as a Christian, we must look to God....cuz He IS Love.....I just find that so hard to fit into a category that we can give humanly experiential terms to. Ultimately I don't think we can do justice that way.....but I guess we can try.