I just kinda blew.....I tried not to....I tried to hold all the anger in....but I just get so frustrated sometimes. I've been tested so much lately....I guess I shoulda just walked away. I just got off the phone with my mom. It's really frustrating sometimes because she picks and picks and picks....and feels like she is purposefully trying to open all of the wounds. I understand that she's hurt....I understand that she's human....but when will she choose to let go and forgive everything that has happend in the past? It's hard to love past the hurt....especially when she refuses to acknowledge the fact that we (my sister and I) were also hurt in the process. She doesnt realize that we lost a family.....we lost the support that was needed so much....the love that cant be filled by any other earthly person....she doesnt see that....
Will anything ever make sense??? Will the wounds ever be healed? We made a choice for God....will He ever heal my family???? I would like to think that one day He will...that one day they will understand our love and our passion for God.....it's days like these where that reality seems so far away.....and when my mom points out all the flaws in my life and character and when "I'm trying" just isnt good enough and I feel like the biggest failure...I mean I know that I'm not a horrible person....I know that I'm human....I just wish that I could somehow be a better example....
I keep trying.....Pastor Lyle questioned why Carla and I continue to return to our family when all it seems like is a big problem...and instead of getting ahead we end up 15 steps back. I guess nobody will or can realize what it is like to not have a family that is there to support you no matter what....or somewhere to turn when you need help.....everybody else is able to depend on their families when the going gets tough or when they make mistakes.....there's nothing behind Car and I.....I cant express the panic that I feel when I take every step of my life....knowing that it could break me....not knowing where I could end up.....it's scary...and the only thing that I can depend on is God....cuz I really have nothing else in this world. Sure it doesnt seem fair...but I gotta suck it up and keep going....cuz I've got nothing else....
1 comment:
mmmm... if anything i know the frusteration that is family! Its hard to trust that God will make things right in time... not necissarily what you yourself had wanted it but He WILL make things right! He will heal your heart! I was shown this year that even though my mom does the same thing as your, God showed me how much she still needs me... thats partially why i am still at home! Hang in there, i know you can do it! Be blessed bleach buddy! (1800 tim tam points for my alliteration!)
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