Lost And Found

If I said the last couple weeks have been easy I'd be lying....I'd also be lying if I said that through every circumstance I have trusted that God's outcome is for the best and relying on Him is the only answer. I've been broken and beaten. It hurt. It was like I was a twig who had had every single branch prunned off of it and now was a stick waving around in the wind. At that exact same time I could see very little buds growing amongst the dead. Little buds of faith.

I'm still so unsure of where I have been called. Just when I think I understand, I don't. Standing at YC I was like "God is this what you want me to do? Speak to thousands? Millions?" I felt at peace. It was like I coulda walked out there and Mike Love coulda been like "We have a guest speaker instead of Miles this afternoon her name is Sasha Hale." I'm telling you it was weird. I've also had a lot of other things come across my mind lately. I don't really know what's of God...and what's just me....but I want to figure it out. I want to follow God. I want Him to be my Everything.

The Children's Pastor from my church is leaving in the fall...when this was announced heads turned to me. I don't know if I'm called to children's ministry. I know that I'm good at working with children....I just don't know if that's what God wants me to do. I don't want to compromise....and I don't want to settle...I'm tired for settling for less then what God has. I feel lost but found...if that makes any sense. It's like Amazing Grace makes no sense to me right now because I feel like I am both blind and can also see....maybe I'm hanging onto too much of the world...maybe I need to let go....surrender...how do you do that when you feel like you have nothing left to surrender??? So many questions...no answers....and I have to look like I have at least some of it pulled together when I talk to the youth on friday.....that just seems like it's going to be a daunting task that I'm not sure I can or should handle at this point.

our little miracle....

God has been doing some crazy stuff....I can't even describe to you the joy that I feel in my heart that I am able to write and say that God is healing Des.....He is the God of the impossible. Des is wowing the Drs...and they cant explain the fact that 2 of the 3 skull fractures that she had are gone...and the one that's left is healing just fine on its own!! She was expected to be in a coma for 3 months...and she is moving and responding to voices more each day.....so God is doing AMAZING things.....I know that He woulda still been just as great if He woulda taken her.....but I still don't know what I would have done if she did die. But through all of this...I think God is birthing a wee bit of intercession in me which is cool....it's neat to see the stuff that His hand is doing....and I can't wait to see what else He has in store.

I've cried so much all of my tears are gone

Well, we found out today that two of the girls in our youth group were in an accident last night and Des, the little 10 yr old, is in critical condition. As of 6 hours ago they gave her 24 to live. I'm broken beyond anything I've ever been. I don't understand it...and I cant stop crying. I just don't understand. I've given God a few ultimatums today....and prayed more then I have in a long time. To be honest, I dont know what I will do if that little girl dies. I just dont know. But for now we've rallied together the youth and we've been praying for like 4 hours....I'm now tired and broken and find myself constantly staring into nowhere.....I'm numb. Please pray for this little girl if you get the chance, cuz she really has changed my life. She has undescribable faith and prays for every single person who needs prayer. She always greats me with a smile and hug...and the last time I saw her she was excited to talk to me on Sunday.....and now it's sunday....and she's laying in a hospital bed in Calgary....I dont know if I'll ever get to talk to her here on this earth again......I'm trying to have the faith of a mustard seed. I'm trying to stay confidant in my God...but what if His plans aren't to heal her??? I won't understand.....and I"m scared of that....but mostly I'm just broken.

These two sisters' parents aren't Christians so if you, her family in Christ, could pray for her that would mean the world to me.

the things not seen

So I'm learning that ministry is mostly about the things that you do that are not seen. I mean, I think that we hear that all the time....but to really be living it is another thing. Nobody sees the extra 2 hours that you do cleaning up after an event. Nobody sees the time and effort and sometimes frustration that it takes to plan something.....pretty much the only thing that people do see is you on Sunday, all dressed up and looking so clean you couldn't have possibly been cleaning out the dirty basement closet the night before.

I was talking with my friend today about how people only view those in a position within a specific ministry, or those in a pastoral vocation as being in the ministry....however...I do not understand that mentality. Feeding the sheep is an important job, but not every single person within the body can be a shepherd....we need the others....those who serve by being cashiers, those who work long hours doing something that they don't necessarily like...but do it as though it was unto the Lord. Living godly lifestyles within the world, I think, is a harder ministry then actually being IN the "ministry". It's a greater witness for you to show them God's love then for me to just tell them it.

Can I encourage you....that if you are working at a normal job, with normal people, putting in normal hours, in your normal life.....there is something great in just that.....be all that you can be through the power of Christ in EVERY circumstance. Be the light in the darkness....because most often, as pastors, we get stuck not as the light in the darkness...but being the candle lighter for flames that have gone out....or by helping to grow that already burning flame. Plant the seeds, and be proud....because you are not merely mediocure....and are too doing ministry maybe it's not in the context of a church....but yours is greater....because it's in LIFE.

nothing to say....well

Don't you hate it when you feel like you have nothing to say...yet you have lots to say??? I mean...I'm sitting here thinking about the things that I should say...and avoiding the things that I want to say...and in doing so...I just would rather say nothing at all.....I know...it could just be a random girl thing....but that's just how I feel.

All of my friends and sister will be back from Israel in 2 days and counting....and YC is in something like 10 days......I'm excited for both events a lot.

I led a youth Bible study tonight...we talked about spiritual gifts....we also did a quiz online to see what gifts each of them had...it was cool to see the looks on their faces when they figured them out....and it was cool to see the little pastor's-to-be in the crowd....I love to see God working in them...forming them...it's just really cool!

We also had young adults Bible study tonight...it was really weird cuz ppl were asking questions and they would look at me to see if they were answering correctly or if I approved of the answer...soooo weird...and then when I had something to say they were all quiet and stuff....it's really weird being in a place where I'm in....but neat cuz I can see the evidence of God working in my life.

See....this is what I mean....I really don't know what I should write so I fill it in with the things that I should write. I don't know.....I guess in the end it's all just a bunch of words....but that's what's going on in my life....I preach to the Jr Youth tomorrow night....if you could pray for that it would be swell....I still don't know what type of game I'm going to play....but I'm hoping that it will come.....well I had a dream I got them to do bowling w/ tolite paper....but we all know how much I hate bowling.....and I cant decide if that's divine or just stupidity........I'll let you know what happens!!!

be blessed

EEEK!!!!!

So, I officially preach my first sermon tomorrow.....well...it really isn't that big of deal cuz it is to a bunch of seniors at a home.....or so everybody else says. It's funny how I'm taking this more seriously then everybody else...maybe because it is my first time talking.....but still...they need Jesus just as much as them youngins out there!!! Well....I don't know why...but the only thing God seemed to allow me to preach on is hope......I KNOW....like how hard to give hope to a bunch of ppl who are dying ....especially when I'm young and have good health....I donno...but I guess you just gotta follow God eh?!?!?

Other then that the life of me, the intern, has been VERY crazy and busy....but as I have mentioned numerous times in my other posts....it's been sooo rewarding...I'm starting to love my youth SOOOOOO much....I don't know if I'm called to full time youth ministry....but I've been loving just how open they are...and how you can touch their lives in soo many ways. I think often adults are already soo set in their ways that they do not embrace the things of change that other's have to offer.....youth on the other hand they tend to be more accepting of stuff like that.

I've been having some CRAZY dreams lately....like really weird ones....I don't know what they all mean but it's been weird.....and I'm getting sick...so if you could pray for my health that would be swell!!! Other then that I have a super rough week ahead of me....I preach tomorrow, then I have to plan another sermon and games night for the Jr youth at my church for Wed, then I have to face the past on Friday....if that doesnt makes sense...I'll just say a certain individual who did not like my actions in Edmonton is coming home w/ her rap group...and well she's bringin the blonde...pray for patience...and love....cuz I'm gonna need a HUGE outpouring of that! Thanks all....be blessed

Well today has been such a crazy day. Last night I babysat for my youth pastors and their kids were funny and cute....and then they wouldnt sleep!!! EEEK! Jacob wouldnt sleep unless I was holding him....and Emma kept waking up and SCREAMING for her mommy....it was crazy and then in my attempts to make Jacob sleep I tried to feed him and that didnt work....and then I tried to change his diaper and that didnt work (I just found out later this afternoon that I had put his diaper on backwards...SOOOO funny...but it was dark and he was crying...ya...that's my excuse!!) But see...it was all worth it cuz Kenny and Kelly anne hadnt been out by themselves in such a long time....I use my lonliness to bless others...heck if I love their children I might as well look after them....so as Kelly was drivin me home she said that her and Kenny had bought me groceries.....it seems as though the world doesnt think I eat now that I'm interning.....but I was blessed...here I try to bless them and they bless me!!!

Today I've been able to really open up w/ the youth...and a couple of them have opened up to me telling me about thier home lives and the problems with their parents and the brokenness that they are facing.....some have told me their deep secrets....I'm telling you I'm being blessed left and right....just to be able to listen to them and let them know that somebody cares...it's worth all the stress and homework in the world.....it's like this is what all the hard work I've done these past 4 yrs has paid off to accomplish....it's all sooo worth it to make a difference for God in the lives of these kids.....and it's also amazing to see the hand of God in my life and the use of things that that I have gone through in order for me to help these kids out and relate to them in a way that they might think nobody can....I'm in awe

I dont ever want to loose the thankfullness that's developing in my heart and the sense of God that is so prominant in all areas of my life....I dont ever want to loose this......never.

Friday night I was reminded of God's power, of His mercy, of His everlasting and uncomprendable love, and of His grace. Last week I was battling inwardly with feelings of inadequacy, of not feeling prepared or called, of feeling weak and complacent, and I truthfully wanted to walk away from my position at the church because I felt as though I didn't belong, and that ultimately I wouldn't be able to do it. I was scared. We had a youth service friday night. The youth in my youth group have grown, and have seen and experenced the presence of God and are seeking for more. However Friday was odd. As I stood around I could see that they were worn out. They were going through things.....and as a leader I needed to be there to support them and strengthen them. We had an alter time, and I was going to go pray for a girl and God said to wait. So I stood there...not understanding until another girl came up and asked me to pray for her. It's such a privilage to have young ppl love and trust you enough to share what they are going through....I was touched.

A little while later I looked over and saw one of the guys that I used to hang out with and my heart broke. I missed that boy. He had fallen away from God and had lived a life after drugs, alcohol and sex and as I looked at him God began to change my heart. I have been praying for him for 4 years....and the fact that he was even in a worship service left me in complete awe. Something in my heart began to build and build.....and I began to pray for him....if he was there then I wasnt going to sit idly by and let him leave, so I prayed.....he stayed and another leader went over and gave him a word....and I saw a vulnerability in him that I havent seen in a long time. It was after a little bit when he started to motion to leave the service and I started crying. It wasnt like anything I have felt before....It was from deep deep within......I felt the love that God had for him.....and I didnt want to stand by and let him go....so as he walked out I prayed....like I've never prayed before.....and a little while later he came back in.....this might not sound like anything big to any of you....but the joy I felt when I saw his face....I cant even put it into words. After it was all done he asked me to go for a walk....so we talked....and he opened up about the things that he was going through.....and I glanced at his wrist and he was wearing a Jesus fish bracelet. We played pool...and we were able to just hang out and be the friends that we once were....I missed that.

He came to church this morning....and he's coming to youth camp this summer.....I cant even put what I'm feeling in my heart into words....I think that if I don't see anything else this summer...I will be happy with what happened that night. To see somebody come back into the Grace...and see God so clearly....it takes my breath away. I was reminded that I'm suppose to be here....and I am called....It's like Dr. Franklin says...sometimes all we have to hold onto is the fact that we have been called....regardless of how we are feeling....regardless of the circumstance, God knows...and has called each one to play a part in His will....and I'm sooo blessed to be able to say that I'm here to lead His sheep.....and that He trusts me with such a great responsibility.....I'm in awe....and so blessed.

I can feel the complacency seeping in and taking over my heart.

I'm trying to fight...

but I'm overwhelmed with the feeling to just let everything be....

I want to go deeper...

but I don't want to work for it...

it's too hard...

so instead I compromise and sit back and stay....

stagnant...

ok with where I am....

Oh I can see where I was and where I've been....

and where He wants me...

but...

I lack the motivation to want to get there

and as others battle the wrath of Satan....

I battle myself....

because I have become my own worse enemy

So I officially have no choice but to take my work home with me.....it's funny because I'm living at my church...those of you who thought you were going to be great, wonderful pastors....I have one up on you I love this job soooo much that I've chosen to live here 24 hours a day 7 days a week for the next 4 months....actually it doesn't work that way at all.....but it should be good....I'm kinda excited to be here...nervous as heck...and because I'm the intern I get all the BEST jobs in the world...haha....well if you consider vaccuming up 3 vaccuums full of water an hour that's one of the best jobs....

But for real...things are going good...I've been Intern Pastor Sasha for 48 hours....and well...I've done a lot of stuff....they have put me in every ministry that you can think of....from Seniors to the kids...I've got it all covered......

I'm excited...nervous as nervous can be to preach 3 times!! but it should be good...except when PK looked at me and said he wanted me to preach a youth retreat...scared the pants off of me!!! EEEK!!!!

It shall be good....I'm anticipating the things that God is going to to.....we've already had a fire tunnel and the youth have all asked to be prayed for to have the gift of tongues! God is amazing...and I know that He has a purpose in having me here for the summer...I can't wait to see what that purpose is!

Be blessed!