living in the shadows

I've changed
my actions and words are different
then that of what they once were
for the good
or bad
I'm not sure
I fight myself
arguing that it was inevitable
that it had to be done
but the truth is
often I dont recognize myself anymore
I dont know where I'm going
or at times where I've come from
The present takes over
and I'm left with shadows all around

Where do I even begin to formulate the multitude of thoughts that are passing through my brain at this very second. I can't. My mind is a mess and less than made up. I wish that there were easy answers to the circumstances, however all I'm met with are questions upon questions. My mind is screaming at me, and in the midst of that my stomach feels as though it's being pulled out through my nose. Everything in me wants to run. Everything screams run. But what do I do? Is that the answer. Abandon ship when circumstances are hard and completely out of my control? But this... this is something that I would never imagine to occur. Something that one never expects. Why can't things in my life be normal? Sometimes I wish I could live in the mountains, as a hermit and escape this roller coaster ride called life, cuz in all honesty motion sickness does not describe what I'm feeling right now.... it's worse.... where do I even begin... I wish the answers were simple. I wish that there were actually answers... instead my head and heart collide and I don't even know where to turn.

Love is one complex thing. It's full of ups and downs and a bunch of feelings and thoughts that one isn't even sure of. I hate not being able to understand myself. I hate not being able to be predictable and know my reaction in these circumstances. Love captures a heart and does twisted things to it.

I don't like how much I miss you. I don't like how much I care about you. I don't like how I miss hearing your voice and how much I miss being held in your arms. I don't like missing you because it shows how much I actually care... and that scares me.

This thing called love... I know that I'm in it... and I'm not sure how to feel... I'm not sure if I should embrace it or if I should run... because I'm fighting to do both and it's so confusing.

God's grace is enough.

I'm frustrated and can't sleep. Stupid choices have consequences. Can somebody remind me of that the next time I decide to make a stupid decision. Things woulda been so much easier without this to add to the pile... and now! HA! What a joke. I'm frustrated not only by my stupid decisions but also by the things that God is so clearly pointing out to me. Things make sense. Complete and total sense. And then.... doubt, choice, uncertainty invade either side and still this stupid battle is left unfinished. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to give up... I don't want to pay the price. But I know that if I didn't do it now I would be regretting it for the rest of my life. So the optimistic side of me tries to smile and convince myself that this short time will be worth it in the long run.... regardless of what the realistic side has to say.

How long does one hold on for? When is the appropriate time to let go? My heart has been torn up enough already and now to be told to hang on and trust.... I feel as though my heart is in a tug of war.... between God and me and of course I know that His ways are better, however my ways feel safe. What do I do? When do I let go? I wish I had the answers......

My eyes hurt over all of the tears cried. Understanding has escaped my mind... and all that's left is the sentence: to know that you know that you know that you know..... who woulda thatought that only one week ago that conversation would be what's getting me through these current circumstances. It's not that I'm worried and not that I'm frieghtened or have changed my mind on what I had previously thought.... cuz that's not even the case. Both mind and heart still know. I've tucked the things that I've been shown in the Secret Place away in this heart of mine.... So why the tears you ask? I'm not even sure myself. The uncertainty in the outcome. The investment. It's all just kinda mangled in there... and as I try to make sense of it all and I try to find reasoning I understand... it's not at all about me... it's about Him... and in the tears I find surrender.....

I've never been so scared in my life.
I just sit here continuously praying
asking God to rescue me from this...
give me the strength to endure....
and rest in Him.
I've never been so unwilling
to want to take another step
into the unmarked territory.
I don't want to look around me
and see the smiles on the faces
of him and her
and you
as everything seems all pulled together.
And the usual places that I find comfort
have seemed to escape me
and I'm left sitting here alone
with myself
and the Big Guy
and it feels as though we are in a silence war
and we're not talking for whatever reason.
I don't have the answers
that I usually am so quick to find
and I can't seem to find them as I search
So as I'm expected to figure this all out
I'm throwing in the towel
cuz no matter who's not talking to Who
I can't do this
not by myself anyway.