When will I be happy? That's the question that me and my friend Kayla tried to figure out last night. I have determined that if I am not happy now....I never will be. As a Christian the obvious answer is that God is ultimately the only one who can make me happy. But how????? I guess I'm just at a point where I don't understand life or anything else....and it's so frustrating. I wish that things were somehow different....but even then I wouldnt be happy. I like to play the "what if" game.... what if we don't break up and stay together...what if I didn't choose to be a pastor and go for something that would make me a lot of money?

So many questions with no answers. Everything in me wants to rebel to escape this life that I'm living....I'm not perfect I know....but boy are you looked down upon when you arn't.....it doesn't make sense I know....that's why so many Christans wear a mask because we set these impossible standards for ourselves and when we dont meet them we're ashamed of ourselves.....it doesnt make sense. I just want to live....and be a real person...with real problems...who really loves Jesus. Is that possible?? I guess I'll find out.