Seriously.... I don't understand why I can't have a normal family life... one where it seems like my family loves me... and cares about where I'm going. It's like they don't see where I came from what I went through... all they are is jaded by the bitterness and can't see past their bias' on what the church is to them. I'm tired. Tired of the judgement. Tired of all the negative comments made saying I'm never going to amount to anything more. Tired of the fight. Let them go... out of my life some recommend. How can I do that?? It's my family... and so much easier said then ever will be done... but if I don't do it first will I have to step up to the plate again and withstand the ever present reality that I could be out again? This thought lingers at the back of my mind. Constantly it sits there waiting for the day when I won't have them again and I'll be out on my own having to fight for myself. My heart can't go through that again. I've just gotten them back. I've worked so hard to gather up what was left of the broken relationship before.... and now... after 2 years I might have to make that choice again. Why does choosing God's will have to be so hard? Why do I have to surrender my family and be left alone in a world where people are so ever dependent on their families.... however I know that I can't choose them over God and His will comes first.... but.... in all transparency I would just like to say I'm not very happy that I have to make these kinds of decisions.... and that's putting it pretty nicely......