a glimpse of ministry

I don't like being under a microscope. I can't stand being critiqued from every angle....judged to a point where I don't even recognize myself. I've lost who I am and have replaced it with the thoughts of who every body else thinks I am. It's come to a point that if this is what it means to live and be in the ministry I don't want it...isn't there a different way?? Isn't there somehow a way that I can just be human.....be living and stumbling around just like every other human out there and not have to pretend to look like I have it all together and have the audacity to judge the other's around me because they don't make the mark either?? Maybe we should stop trying to leap hurdles and just try to jog without falling down.....cuz I think that we fall on our faces enough by ourselves, let alone put up a bar to make us fall for sure...I feel like I'm never going to make that mark...heck I miss it by a long shot....and I don't even know if I want to try and reach it. It makes me think that by aiming I'm going to loose something unique about me...and if I make it I'm just going to end up conforming to the rest and fitting nicely into that little box.....I want to be outside of the box.....Jesus was outside of the box so I don't see anything too wrong with being like Him.