Stand in the Rain - Superchick

Sometimes only lyrics can express what one is truely feeling... and sometimes the lyrics hit so close to home it's scary.....

She never slows down

She dosen't know why

But she knows that when she's all alone

It feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long

And she fears if she cries that first tear

The tears will not stop raining down

Chorus: So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when its all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day what lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself

And the fear its whispering

If she stands, she’ll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything

She's running from

Wants to give up and lie down

Outside Me

The colours of fall illuminate the world outside my window

Why is it that it's so beautiful out there

And it is winter in my heart?

do you need floor time?

I have to admit....I'm a fan of Grey's. The season started this past week, and as all of us girls sat together to share in the moment I was hit by a theme within the show that really spoke to me. Izzy, a woman struggling with the loss of her love, spends the entire show laying on the floor. At the time I felt stupid with my comment....."Wouldn't it be nice to just lie on the floor and....feel?" My friends looked at me and laughed.

Could you take a second and just think.....how often do we avoid what we are actually feeling and replace those emotions with our everyday activities? Do we often fill our lives so full of "stuff" that we have no time to experience what we go through....could this be the reason that there is an increased rate in therapy and other psychological treatments?

I know in my life I don't feel half of the things that come my way. Often things are thrown at me and I burry them deep down within me to hide any visible sign of vulnerability. I'm not saying to constantly be a HUGE emotional disaster. I'm saying maybe it's ok to be sad when a friend betrays you...or you feel overwhelmed with the things that have come your way. Can I challenge you to take a moment.....alone...and just lay on the floor...and just...be? Experience what you are going through.....look inward and ask God to reveal to you the things that you have been avoiding. Maybe it involves crying, maybe not. I just think that this concept is imperative to our well-being and aids in the positive development of our character. Make sure that, like Izzy, once the healing process has been completed you can stand up, and step out of the old "dress" and move on to your future, don't get stuck on the floor.

the ache is deeper then I know

My heart hurts. It hurts so much. I can't even articulate the things that are going on inside, all I know is that it is breaking my very being. I'm having difficulties discerning the things of God and the things of Sasha. I feel like I'm running away....yet find myself running in random circles because I can't find my way. Is it possible to not want to follow God, yet have no other option but to follow God? The last thing that I want right now is His will.....how can I even say that?!??! He's brought me so far and done so much...and I have the audacity to want to reject His perfect will. Jonah tried to run from what he was called to do...and we all know where that left him. Do I just act like I'm ok with it....put on my mask and be ok with all the crap that I have to go through.... or is it ok to hurt...and not want it all....

I can't

When did we learn that we couldn’t. I mean….when did we just stop and deicide that the task that was placed before us was too great and that we in fact could not conquer the great and glorious world that has been placed before us?

When did we decide that we actually couldn’t be that astronaut or veterinarian that as a child we planned to be. Or maybe you wanted to conquer the world. Cure AIDS or cancer? Some wanted to dance, while others wanted to explore the deepest depths of the ocean. When did it all change? What happened to make us think that we are unable to even come close to reaching those goals. When did we decide that we had to settle because we could never become anything more?

While looking at a picture of my wee little friend Emma I was reminded of something that happened this summer while I was looking after her. We were playing something at her house and I told her “Emma go and do this.” She looked at me….in defeat…with her big brown eyes….and said “Shasha….I CAN’T!” Something in me twitched…..WHO TOLD HER THAT SHE CAN’T??!?! I wanted to beat whoever gave her that idea…..as I held her hand and struggled to make her try…and show her that SHE COULD….my thoughts went to the way God sees us.

I mean, how often do we, as His children, say that we can’t do the things that are placed in front of us because we are too weak, not good enough, too this, or not enough of that…..just as I sat frustrated by the fact that somebody told that amazing little girl she couldn’t, God sits there wishing that we believe that we can. He sits by, holding our hands, giving us the tools and equipping us with everything we need to do the things that He asks because He knows that we can, regardless of whether or not we think that we can or cannot.

Maybe reality has set in since the days that you wanted to fight fires, and maybe you have walked down a different road, a road that is marked by what you determine as failure and defeat. You’ve thrown in the towel and have left those dreams behind you. Sure, not everybody is called to be what they wanted when they were 5, but can I challenge you to believe in yourself as much as God does, no matter where you are at in life? He believes in you! Just like I knew Emma could do it….He knows that you can do it too.

Sure, I think that this whole “pep talk” is partly for me as well cuz often I don’t believe that even I can do the things that I have been called to, but the fact that God believes in me more then I could ever believe in myself gives me some sense of assurance. Something in me believes that He sees that sparkle in my own eye….that dream that is way deep down. The untainted spirit that once lingered in me…is still there….masked and guarded…but it’s still there…waiting to come out….and believe that I in fact can….

I've lost my memory

I've forgotten.....I guess I convinced myself to forget. It's easier this way. It's easier not to feel...and avoid the vulnerability. Of course I recognize that this will have consequenses in the future, but I'm willing to risk it. Forgetting is the easy part....now I just have to figure out a way to trick my heart into believing that it's not right....

to embrace or ignore do I have an option?

So I officially started my last year of college today. I've always hated the first day of classes..... meeting profs who are different and trying to figure out what they are expecting from you...it's annoying. I like the familiar....I like Guthrie...but he's not back this semester so I have to deal with what I got...it should be good....however I'm scared that PA's Senior Theo class is gonna stretch the crap outta me.....EEK! cuz we all know that I want more of that...

Um......so God has been asking me to obey Him more and more.....I feel like I can't do it....I feel like I'm gonna fall through.......I don't want to.....but...we'll see. So...only in an attempt to follow God and do what He is calling me to do I'm looking into going to Israel in Feb for 2 weeks. I'm not really sure why God wants me there..and it kinda actually scares the bloody crp outta me but I'm left with the choice to either obey or not....not the best situations at times. Sometimes I feel like God has backed me into a corner and I'm not too fond of it...but I really don't got a choice but to love who He's given me. I've found myself trying to avoid it these past few days...I knew that it would come to this...that the moment I'm seperated from all I've known this past summer I begin to look around and doubt what I've been given.....it breaks my heart to admit that....but I am just human....

Ok...so that's all I got so far.....I don't really know where I'm going or what I'm actually gonna do...I doubt myself and my abilities....all I needed was one word....one single word and I mighta stayed....but without it....I don't think I'm really left with a choice.