Seriously.... I don't understand why I can't have a normal family life... one where it seems like my family loves me... and cares about where I'm going. It's like they don't see where I came from what I went through... all they are is jaded by the bitterness and can't see past their bias' on what the church is to them. I'm tired. Tired of the judgement. Tired of all the negative comments made saying I'm never going to amount to anything more. Tired of the fight. Let them go... out of my life some recommend. How can I do that?? It's my family... and so much easier said then ever will be done... but if I don't do it first will I have to step up to the plate again and withstand the ever present reality that I could be out again? This thought lingers at the back of my mind. Constantly it sits there waiting for the day when I won't have them again and I'll be out on my own having to fight for myself. My heart can't go through that again. I've just gotten them back. I've worked so hard to gather up what was left of the broken relationship before.... and now... after 2 years I might have to make that choice again. Why does choosing God's will have to be so hard? Why do I have to surrender my family and be left alone in a world where people are so ever dependent on their families.... however I know that I can't choose them over God and His will comes first.... but.... in all transparency I would just like to say I'm not very happy that I have to make these kinds of decisions.... and that's putting it pretty nicely......

Well school is wrapping up for the semester and I'm so thankful that it's finally over. So much has changed in this life of mine. God has continued to do a work in my heart and I've been challenged to press in. Seriously looking back at this summer I was just coming back to school because it was what God wanted me to do....and now.... I'm so happy I had that element of obedience in me.

With one semester left my heart feels content with where I am and where God is leading me. I know that I know that I know things in my heart that I never thought that I would know. I'm only afraid of my inability to accomplish the tasks that are at hand, however I know that if God has in fact called me to it I will overcome any obstical internal or external.

I am sure that the next four months of my life are to fly by quickly and a new chapter will open up. One that I have no clue as to where it begins or where it will end, all I know is that it is in God's control and as exciting and as scarey as that is.... I can't wait.

My heart screams

every time

you leave

I should be doing homework... I always should be doing homework....but I have too much on my mind right now to focus. There are so many questions going through my head. So many that will never have answers....other's that will come to pass with time.... The pools of my heart however....are calm and still....

God's done so many unexpected things in my life this semester. I still haven't a clue what I'm called to do... but I know that His hand is upon my life... it's reassuring being in the steps of God... He's gone before me... and He's behind me and He's beside me. No matter how uncertain things are I can take refuge in the fact that He's got it all worked out and all I need to do is trust. The big decisions don't seem so big when He's by my side....caring for and fulfilling every need.

"Trust in the LORD with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding in all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."

Deep down

I'm still that little girl

the one scared to step out

face the world that's infront of her

Deep down

I'm still terrified

of the things in the night

and more importantly the uncontrollable

Deep down

I still think he's coming

and is going to do as he promised

to be the father that I've always wanted yet never had

Deep down

I know I have to let go

To release those things and move on

But no matter how hard I try it is impossible

Deep down

I want to win this battle

I want to be victorious and strong

I want to be happy, but it's this fight that may actually break me.