Saturday, January 23, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
It's 2am. I'm sitting here listening to new Hawksley, eating snap peas, and drinking coffee such a weird yet fulfilling combination. It's back to working nights for me. Five this week. It's funny when people say the nights are long, because when you work them they sure in the heck are. Being stuck in my mind a lot of the time doesn't do me any good. I keep thinking about a conversation my sister and I had. She thinks she knows. She thinks that it's all cut and dry. The answers straight forward and simple. I wish I could show her. I wish I could guard her. Oh well, she'll find out someday what it's really like out there.
I've had to share my story a couple times in the past few days. It's weird to go back there. I feel like such a different person. I shake my head because I can't believe that I felt so trapped. Trapped by the stereo types and ideas that held me capture. I feel ashamed and even though some sort of justice was served I feel dissatisfied with the outcome as if something more should have been done. He walked away with no apology given, still thinking he was right. I just hope he meets his match one day. I guess that's the human side of me seeking some sort of revenge.
Letting go.... moving on.... learning... wishing.
I've had to share my story a couple times in the past few days. It's weird to go back there. I feel like such a different person. I shake my head because I can't believe that I felt so trapped. Trapped by the stereo types and ideas that held me capture. I feel ashamed and even though some sort of justice was served I feel dissatisfied with the outcome as if something more should have been done. He walked away with no apology given, still thinking he was right. I just hope he meets his match one day. I guess that's the human side of me seeking some sort of revenge.
Letting go.... moving on.... learning... wishing.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
gasping for air
I can't breathe. For some reason I'm sitting here literally gasping for air. Alone, I'm sitting in silence hearing nothing but the wheels turn in my head. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I don't know where to go, who to talk to, what to say, or where to even be.
I feel like I've lost you. I feel so distant. Like you've attempted to push me out. I don't really know how to be right now. I want to hang on. I'm not ready to let go or to give up. This feeling of already loosing you is killing me and I can't seem to wrap my mind around what's going on or what needs to be changed. I wish you would communicate more. I wish you would just talk to me. I wish you weren't a million miles away.... or at least I wish it didn't feel like you were. I want to know if I am just suppose to walk away or even if that's what you want.
Did you let go?
I feel like I've lost you. I feel so distant. Like you've attempted to push me out. I don't really know how to be right now. I want to hang on. I'm not ready to let go or to give up. This feeling of already loosing you is killing me and I can't seem to wrap my mind around what's going on or what needs to be changed. I wish you would communicate more. I wish you would just talk to me. I wish you weren't a million miles away.... or at least I wish it didn't feel like you were. I want to know if I am just suppose to walk away or even if that's what you want.
Did you let go?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
One Week, One Month, One Day
I came by this quote in a movie....it made me really start to think....
When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?
One day, one week, one month. It seems like so little time. Precious moments left on this earth to conquer all of the fears, goals, dreams, and ambitions that have filled every day of our lives up until that point. It would never seem like enough time and for some it may seem hard to establish some sort of priority level on which needs to be accomplished first. We all like to say that we live each day as our last, however when it all is said and done how much truth is really in that statement? I certainly can not be one to talk. I fail miserably at saying what I think and doing what I want. I guess I feel as though I’ve hit so many road blocks in this young life of mine that I’m too timid to aspire to be much else because it is only because of those vulnerable moments where we open ourselves up to the opportunity that we have a chance to fail.
If I knew that I only had one week of existence left I probably wouldn’t tell anybody. I would want to keep it to myself. Not having everybody else panicking and telling me what to do I would be able to embark on my own journey taking pictures as I go. I would keep sleep to a minimum having only enough to feel rested but I would want to see as many sunsets and sun rises as I possibly could. I would go back to the spot at Camp Whitney where I spent so much of my young life and sit on the dock during the wee morning hours listening to the loons, watching the mist rise, where my foundations built up within me and where I fell in love with God for the first time. I would spend one last night at my work serving and being with the people that I love. I would sit and talk with them until they wanted to go to bed pouring as much love into their lives as I possibly could in such a little time. I would want to go on one more adventure with my love exploring the vast Canadian landscape. I would want to spend the nights wrapped in his arms and days doing whatever we wanted. I would write my family a letter telling them that life is too short to fight and hate each other and that it’s too immature to not get along over such petty differences.
It’s funny how in those moments things like degrees, wealth, power, and material objects don’t matter. Not at all. I want to live my life like THAT every day.
When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?
One day, one week, one month. It seems like so little time. Precious moments left on this earth to conquer all of the fears, goals, dreams, and ambitions that have filled every day of our lives up until that point. It would never seem like enough time and for some it may seem hard to establish some sort of priority level on which needs to be accomplished first. We all like to say that we live each day as our last, however when it all is said and done how much truth is really in that statement? I certainly can not be one to talk. I fail miserably at saying what I think and doing what I want. I guess I feel as though I’ve hit so many road blocks in this young life of mine that I’m too timid to aspire to be much else because it is only because of those vulnerable moments where we open ourselves up to the opportunity that we have a chance to fail.
If I knew that I only had one week of existence left I probably wouldn’t tell anybody. I would want to keep it to myself. Not having everybody else panicking and telling me what to do I would be able to embark on my own journey taking pictures as I go. I would keep sleep to a minimum having only enough to feel rested but I would want to see as many sunsets and sun rises as I possibly could. I would go back to the spot at Camp Whitney where I spent so much of my young life and sit on the dock during the wee morning hours listening to the loons, watching the mist rise, where my foundations built up within me and where I fell in love with God for the first time. I would spend one last night at my work serving and being with the people that I love. I would sit and talk with them until they wanted to go to bed pouring as much love into their lives as I possibly could in such a little time. I would want to go on one more adventure with my love exploring the vast Canadian landscape. I would want to spend the nights wrapped in his arms and days doing whatever we wanted. I would write my family a letter telling them that life is too short to fight and hate each other and that it’s too immature to not get along over such petty differences.
It’s funny how in those moments things like degrees, wealth, power, and material objects don’t matter. Not at all. I want to live my life like THAT every day.
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
I’d prefer to not make resolutions. They seem pointless. Resolutions are like rules, only meant to be broken. I don’t think I’ve ever made a New Years resolution. Never have I felt enough pressure being ushered into the New Year to make me want to change my present circumstances in any extreme way. Granted, I have never been one of those on again off again dieters nor have I ever been a chain smoker in need of some serious bond breaking. I, for the most part, have been content with celebrating the oncoming year and being optimistic at the emerging opportunities.
2009 proved to be a year of healing. It was a year of discovering, learning, laughing and loving the opportunities and people that were around me. I had my own place for the first time. I learned what it was to love. I also learned what it meant to let go. I had adventures with the one I love to Montreal. We ate smoked meat sandwiches and poutine in a 300 year old building surrounded by cobble stone streets and French speaking tongues. I stood for my friend and watched her walk down the aisle and prayed that the experiences that I have had would not be shared. I found a love for pictures and have made it my mission to document my life in photos. I walked hand in hand down the streets of the Byward Market soaking in the sights, sounds and smells. I went to the Lion King Broadway play with him and my family and it was an experience I will surely cherish for a lifetime. We went to Capital Ex and had fun on rides and watching a concert. I surrendered to my love for youth and wholeheartedly love serving them with everything that I have. I got to see Mercy Me live and it was amazing. I had to stand for truth and testify of the experience that I was faced with, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, let alone relive, in my entire life.
It is in that light where I have complied a list of adventures that I would like take and have in 2010. Some things are simple, others are dreams, but either way they all seem easily attainable and worth aiming for.
2009 proved to be a year of healing. It was a year of discovering, learning, laughing and loving the opportunities and people that were around me. I had my own place for the first time. I learned what it was to love. I also learned what it meant to let go. I had adventures with the one I love to Montreal. We ate smoked meat sandwiches and poutine in a 300 year old building surrounded by cobble stone streets and French speaking tongues. I stood for my friend and watched her walk down the aisle and prayed that the experiences that I have had would not be shared. I found a love for pictures and have made it my mission to document my life in photos. I walked hand in hand down the streets of the Byward Market soaking in the sights, sounds and smells. I went to the Lion King Broadway play with him and my family and it was an experience I will surely cherish for a lifetime. We went to Capital Ex and had fun on rides and watching a concert. I surrendered to my love for youth and wholeheartedly love serving them with everything that I have. I got to see Mercy Me live and it was amazing. I had to stand for truth and testify of the experience that I was faced with, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, let alone relive, in my entire life.
It is in that light where I have complied a list of adventures that I would like take and have in 2010. Some things are simple, others are dreams, but either way they all seem easily attainable and worth aiming for.
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