battered and bruised.

I'm scared.  There's probably no emotion that I feel more right now than fear.  It's like I'm standing  staring it in the face.  Sometimes it overwhelms me.  Sometimes it consumes me.  I can't help it.  My mind runs out of control and before I have a chance to catch up with it I'm standing staring down a huge giant.  I can't really put my finger on why and the only way that I know how to get rid of it is to stand up to it and try to do my best to hold on tight. 

I'm learning a lot about myself even just in packing boxes.  I've held a lot in.  I'm 80% made of fear.  I'm having a hard time trusting.  A hard time handing over my heart and saying "here take it, it's a little battered, it's a little bruised, but I love you and if you can just hold it and love it despite those areas that I can't really help then love me with all you got, because regardless of those bruises and tender spots it's full of nothing but you."  I'm scared that it'll be taken but not fully realized.  I have to trust and more times then not I do. 

What a journey, an adventure really.  I anticipate the next couple of weeks.  Spending Christmas in a new city.  Starting a new job.  Learning. Loving. Laughing.  I'm excited to be new again and not let the baggage that has felt like it has held me down for so long hold me back.  To top it off, I can't wait to do it with you holding my hand. 

So much craziness in my life right now.  It's good.  Change is good and healthy.  It feels like it's about time.  As though I've been living in limbo for the past year waiting for open doors, waiting for an opportunity to come along.  I'm scared, I'm not going to lie, but I don't feel like I'm doing a bad thing I feel like this is right.  I feel at peace.  And  it feels valuable to me because it's a decision that I'm being backed in doing.  That may seem cheesy or shallow, but the way people responded when I made other decisions 2 years ago makes me take a second glance at things because I saw how that ended up. 

I'm in love.  It's not some fake, shallow feeling that comes and goes.  It's solid.  It's there when I fall asleep and when I wake up.  It's always on my mind.  It's real.  It's crazy to me how I once thought I knew what the word meant and now I look back shaking my head wondering what in the world I was thinking.  I was young, naive, and thought that certain things would fix themselves.  Never did I think I'd end up where I am, but the hope that's inside of me and the dreams that have been given back to me, I could never wish for anything else.