I don't know why the picture stood out in my mind.  As I sat there watching her stare at pictures of her son with a smile on her face so wide and pure joy that poured out through her entire being so much so it filled the entire room.  She said that she was getting her son back.

She flipped through the pictures one after another as though she herself had taken them and was showing them to strangers, just as a proud parent would.  No one would be able to tell that she hadn't seen the little boy in 3 entire months.  No one knows the tragedy that occurred when he was taken away.  She wouldn't speak of those days.  She made reference to them as "tough times" but quickly moved onto more important subjects like cribs and clothes.

She made captions for each and every one of the pictures.  Every different one had a new dream or career that she had for him.  "In this one he's a teacher and he wants to change the world," she said with a smile on her face.  "In this one he's a rich business man."

Many prayers were said in my heart as I tried to hope, just as much as she was, as to the results that were to occur in a few short weeks.  She was promised that she would have him back soon, but for now he was with a foster family.

Too many thoughts were running through my mind as I was scrambling for the answers.  How did she get the pictures?  When was she going to get him back?  Why was she here?  What if they found out she was here?  And most importantly, had the foster parents taken that wee little boy to get those professional pictures taken, because if so it seemed as though they didn't think they were going to have to let go of him any time soon.

Discouraged, I hoped and prayed with her that the miracle would happen.  Please Jesus, please.

Well I just got home from a wedding.  Those things are always weird for me these days.  So many mixed emotions.  So much uncertainty, and above all else a lot of prayer.  Because of what I've been through my mind specifically goes to the bad.  I pray that my friends never have to go through what I went through.  But really, how can we ever know what bad is going to confront us in the future?  Maybe that's a good thing because if we did nobody would go anywhere in life and we'd all just sit waiting for nothing because we wouldn't want anything due to the possibility of the bad. 


I still have some sort of hope.  Today it was found in my dear friends face as he watched his bride walk down the aisle.  The tears in his eyes gave me more hope then I could have ever imagined.  One day at a time right? 

I'm going to write a novel.  It's going to take a lot of effort, but I'll be able to do it.  One month of pure literary madness.  I'm not sure what to write about.  This adventure seems crazy as it is and never have I developed a character to such an extent.  A novel.  WOW.


I was able to participate in a seminar today.  It felt good to be in a specific "learning" type atmosphere.  Don't get me wrong, when you do what I do you learn something new every single day, but to feel like a student again... I've missed that feeling.  It makes me contemplate future studies once more.  I'd love to still get my Master's.  I'd love to obtain my Ph.D.  It seems silly that the only thing holding me back is money. 


I've heard through the grapevine that my "dad" and his wife are separating.  To sound like the worse person alive, I could really care less.  What bothers me more is that my half sister is going to be staying with him.  She gets to keep him.  He chooses to stay in her life and be her dad.  Ok, I'll stop repeating myself because you get the picture.  She's 15 or 16 now.  She's got everything she's ever asked for.  I wouldn't say that I'm jealous, well maybe I am?  I don't know how to articulate how I'm feeling.  It seems unfair that I had to grow up without ever knowing him and he chooses to stay in her life.  I wonder how one chooses which of his children's life to be in and if he ever wonders how I'm doing.  


Once again I'm left with unanswered questions.  I guess that's the theme of my life.  

the sanctity of friendship

I love the feeling of seeing old friends that you haven't seen in years and the minute you meet it's as though no time has passed.  The connection is still there.  You can laugh, cry, and giggle your butts off about the most ridiculous thing and you both are still there, still connected, still the same way you remembered.

Life does a good job of robbing us from one another.  Maybe I picture it completely wrong, but our jobs, families, bills, errands, all the things that qualify us to be "adults" will rob us from the relationships we cherish the most if we aren't careful.  Sooner then we realize it will be 4 years and you'll finally find time to meet up with a friend who at one point you couldn't go a single day without talking to. 

I don't know how to find the balance of guarding those relationships though.  If each doesn't have it in mind to protect them then they can disintigrate faster then we would have ever anticipated. 

Regardless, I'm thankful for those whom I can still call up who I don't see every day and cry my heart out if need be and they are right there will me.  They know where I've come from.  They don't judge they just love me through it.  Those are true friends, and I can only hope that in turn I can be that for them, if they let me.

Winter is quickly aproaching.  You can feel the crisp air in your lungs the minute you step outside.  I've already mentally prepared myself for the day when I wake up to a winter wonderland... that lasts forever in these parts.  I don't anticipate winter like some.  I do however, like to join the many others who romanticize the idea. You know, the cold winter evening.  You and your significant other snowed in.  The power is out.  All that you've got is each other and a warm fire where you sit holding one another on the bear rug wrapped in blankets to keep warm.... you know that kind of idea.  Ya.... kind of like the "baby it's cold outside" sort of thing.  The funny thing is I don't even have a fire place.

Another year is quickly coming to an end.  I don't know where the months have gone.  I've once again been ambushed by the calender.  It's perplexing to think that I have nothing to really show of this year.  Well I guess I soon will.  Some closure seems to be in the near future.  I'm not really sure how to begin processing that.  I feel as though I already have but maybe I really haven't?  I'm ready for it whether I know what those words entale or not.  As one door closes another door opens.........right?

I think I'm growing.  I still feel myself changing and developing.  I know I'm not the same person that I was at the beginning of this year.  I hope to always be changing and growing.  I dread the day that habit and ritual encompass me and I'm left with nothing but a stagnant mindset and nothing that I'm passionate about.