God is offically amazing......I know...I shoulda figured that out before now...but I think I know that especially now. I got all my student loan stuff in the mail this past weekend. I opened up the Alberta one and I owed like $1600....it was kinda low but I thought that it was ok and continued on to open up the Canada one.....now I've been in school for 4 yrs and have averaged like $12 000 a yr...so that's like $48 000. Well...I opend it up....and looked at the amount that my frst payment was going to be....and it said 0!! I was like what?!?!?! and then I looked at my balance.....and it was 0!!! I figured that it coulda been a misprint and then I checked my account online and it said that it was inactive....that I didnt have a loan.......

I've been really worried about money lately. I mean....I'm not a kid that has the privilage of having everything paid for by parents.....I've been slightly bitter at times....but know that it was just something that I was going to have to overcome. Well.....God provided. I think that it's clear that I've followed His will too. I was worried in having to do 5 yrs of school.....that's a lot of money down the drain to be qualified to be a pastor.....but...He's provided....I'm so amazingly blessed...beyond anything that I ever thought would happen. I'm still slightly skeptical....but I'm going to call them and see what happend.

To make things even better....I'm considering the option of doing 6 classes in the fall and then moving and doing 2 classes by corespondance. I dont know where I would go...but right at this moment it seems like a great idea!!!

I want to leave you with these words: Trust in the LORD with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

If He will do it for me....He will do it for you....blessings...

I've always heard that Bible college is the hardest place to be a Christian....and I think that I'm beginning to understand why. I mean....we are constantly on the go....serving here....doing another assignment there.....and in your spare time the last thing you feel like doing is reading the Bible...that just seems like there will have to be another assignment to write. So you pray...quick little "God get me through this" prayers....and sure you know that it's not enough....but it's all that you have time for.

As I sat in chapel yesterday God said "It's one thing to know about Me...it's another thing to KNOW Me...." I sat and was like..."Wow God....I study you all day....and it's a blessing to be here and studying the Word....but I would rather know You then about You!" It kinda came to me. If we don't learn to seek God in now..when will we?? It's never going to get easier....so what are we waiting for??? I dont know....I challenge you to seek to KNOW God and not just know about Him....so what if we can articulate a good sentence about dispensationalism....it all starts in our hearts and without that we have nothing.

I just kinda blew.....I tried not to....I tried to hold all the anger in....but I just get so frustrated sometimes. I've been tested so much lately....I guess I shoulda just walked away. I just got off the phone with my mom. It's really frustrating sometimes because she picks and picks and picks....and feels like she is purposefully trying to open all of the wounds. I understand that she's hurt....I understand that she's human....but when will she choose to let go and forgive everything that has happend in the past? It's hard to love past the hurt....especially when she refuses to acknowledge the fact that we (my sister and I) were also hurt in the process. She doesnt realize that we lost a family.....we lost the support that was needed so much....the love that cant be filled by any other earthly person....she doesnt see that....

Will anything ever make sense??? Will the wounds ever be healed? We made a choice for God....will He ever heal my family???? I would like to think that one day He will...that one day they will understand our love and our passion for God.....it's days like these where that reality seems so far away.....and when my mom points out all the flaws in my life and character and when "I'm trying" just isnt good enough and I feel like the biggest failure...I mean I know that I'm not a horrible person....I know that I'm human....I just wish that I could somehow be a better example....

I keep trying.....Pastor Lyle questioned why Carla and I continue to return to our family when all it seems like is a big problem...and instead of getting ahead we end up 15 steps back. I guess nobody will or can realize what it is like to not have a family that is there to support you no matter what....or somewhere to turn when you need help.....everybody else is able to depend on their families when the going gets tough or when they make mistakes.....there's nothing behind Car and I.....I cant express the panic that I feel when I take every step of my life....knowing that it could break me....not knowing where I could end up.....it's scary...and the only thing that I can depend on is God....cuz I really have nothing else in this world. Sure it doesnt seem fair...but I gotta suck it up and keep going....cuz I've got nothing else....

I cant believe that it's 2 in the morning and I just finished my paper and the first thing I do is write a blog...you think I would go to bed.....

I had a really weird experience today. Reesor was trying to do some "unique" teaching method in Gospels and he took us on a feild trip...WAIT...before you get excited....it was only around the school grounds...which I guess is still kinda more exciting then sitting in a class.....but he told us that we were going to go onto the roof. Now....before I go any further with my story...I am ok...and no I'm not suicidal....well..the my first thought after he said that was for me to throw myself off of the school roof. But it just didnt stop there....the thoughts were like all crazy demonic and stuff....like satan was telling me that killin myself infront of every body would be some sort of witness or somethin....I dont know...it was just really twisted.

Well obvisouly I made it back down.....safely....but ya....that was just the weirdest feelings in the world...cuz I know that if I woulda been on the roof at that moment I prolly woulda jumped off no questions asked.

I'm sleepy....but dont want to sleep....I feel broken....I dont even know if that's the word...I'm sooo unsure about EVERYTHING in my life right now...I mean I thought I was sure...but then I'm having second guesses. I feel stupid.....don't think I regret some of the stuff I said...but I am slightly embarassed....oh well....life will continue....unless I do jump off the school.....no really...I'm just kidding.....connie where's a llama when I need one?!?!?!?

I'm all mixed up inside....
not really sure what not to hide.
My hearts incomplete
but this seems like such a great feat.
Wanting to run and escape this mess
But I'm met w/ Your tenderness....

Longing for all that's planned
But finding it hard to obey Your command
Dont know what's You or what's me
When will I finally be set free?

Guess I'll find out when I'm up there with You
What it was You've called me to do
Until then I'll search and try to find my way
Giving up my life for You every day
I know it's not much...but it's I'll I've got
and You comfort me cuz my souls aready bought.


This came outta nowhere this afternoon...it's kinda funny cuz I was thinkin the other day about when I was just a little Christian how I use to love God sooo much that I couldnt stop writting poetry about Him and all the love that He had for me. This poem kinda just poured outta me....I dont know if it makes any sense....but it's what's in my heart right now....