We stand alone together. 

I love you.

I’d prefer to not make resolutions.  They seem pointless.  Resolutions are like rules, only meant to be broken.  I don’t think I’ve ever made a New Years resolution.  Never have I felt enough pressure being ushered into the New Year to make me want to change my present circumstances in any extreme way.  Granted, I have never been one of those on again off again dieters nor have I ever been a chain smoker in need of some serious bond breaking.  I, for the most part, have been content with celebrating the oncoming year and being optimistic at the emerging opportunities. 

2009 proved to be a year of healing.  It was a year of discovering, learning, laughing and loving the opportunities and people that were around me.  I had my own place for the first time.  I learned what it was to love.  I also learned what it meant to let go.  I had adventures with the one I love to Montreal.  We ate smoked meat sandwiches and poutine in a 300 year old building surrounded by cobble stone streets and French speaking tongues.  I stood for my friend and watched her walk down the aisle and prayed that the experiences that I have had would not be shared.  I found a love for pictures and have made it my mission to document my life in photos.  I walked hand in hand down the streets of the Byward Market soaking in the sights, sounds and smells.  I went to the Lion King Broadway play with him and my family and it was an experience I will surely cherish for a lifetime.  We went to Capital Ex and had fun on rides and watching a concert.  I surrendered to my love for youth and wholeheartedly love serving them with everything that I have.  I got to see Mercy Me live and it was amazing.  I had to stand for truth and testify of the experience that I was faced with, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, let alone relive, in my entire life. 

It is in that light where I have complied a list of adventures that I would like take and have in 2010.  Some things are simple, others are dreams, but either way they all seem easily attainable and worth aiming for. 

My mind is full and coincidentally so is my heart.  Full of thoughts and feelings that want to spill out onto you.  I'd give you my all if you would just let me.  The angels glisten in the snow innocence and fun surround the thought of them but only you and I know the escape that went into them.  The tactful avoidance of emotion and careless thought.  The angels helped bring the smiles back and brought my heart back to the place where I want it to be next to you. 

battered and bruised.

I'm scared.  There's probably no emotion that I feel more right now than fear.  It's like I'm standing  staring it in the face.  Sometimes it overwhelms me.  Sometimes it consumes me.  I can't help it.  My mind runs out of control and before I have a chance to catch up with it I'm standing staring down a huge giant.  I can't really put my finger on why and the only way that I know how to get rid of it is to stand up to it and try to do my best to hold on tight. 

I'm learning a lot about myself even just in packing boxes.  I've held a lot in.  I'm 80% made of fear.  I'm having a hard time trusting.  A hard time handing over my heart and saying "here take it, it's a little battered, it's a little bruised, but I love you and if you can just hold it and love it despite those areas that I can't really help then love me with all you got, because regardless of those bruises and tender spots it's full of nothing but you."  I'm scared that it'll be taken but not fully realized.  I have to trust and more times then not I do. 

What a journey, an adventure really.  I anticipate the next couple of weeks.  Spending Christmas in a new city.  Starting a new job.  Learning. Loving. Laughing.  I'm excited to be new again and not let the baggage that has felt like it has held me down for so long hold me back.  To top it off, I can't wait to do it with you holding my hand. 

So much craziness in my life right now.  It's good.  Change is good and healthy.  It feels like it's about time.  As though I've been living in limbo for the past year waiting for open doors, waiting for an opportunity to come along.  I'm scared, I'm not going to lie, but I don't feel like I'm doing a bad thing I feel like this is right.  I feel at peace.  And  it feels valuable to me because it's a decision that I'm being backed in doing.  That may seem cheesy or shallow, but the way people responded when I made other decisions 2 years ago makes me take a second glance at things because I saw how that ended up. 

I'm in love.  It's not some fake, shallow feeling that comes and goes.  It's solid.  It's there when I fall asleep and when I wake up.  It's always on my mind.  It's real.  It's crazy to me how I once thought I knew what the word meant and now I look back shaking my head wondering what in the world I was thinking.  I was young, naive, and thought that certain things would fix themselves.  Never did I think I'd end up where I am, but the hope that's inside of me and the dreams that have been given back to me, I could never wish for anything else.