I'm overwhelmed with my life. I just want to escape to the past where I was happy and where things made partial sense. Out here I'm so vulnerable.....and I've been stepped on a few times...my heart was smashed once. Every body says that that one person is out there for you....where is he??? I've been waiting for so long.....I've been patient and faithful....but mostly I've just been lonely.

I loved myself for the first time in a long time 2day. Being in the ministry I find it so hard to be real with people. They all bring expectations to the table....and since I get classed as a pastor to be I have huge expectations of how I'm to act....what I'm suppose to say....heaven forbid I step on some toes and offend anybody...the Gospel is about love....right?..... Well I think I got a glimpse of the real me for a few seconds......and I didnt think I was ugly.....I was beautiful....for a moment the worlds standards did not matter....I felt desirable....something I have never felt. It's hard to try and cling to that happiness...I feel it escaping me as I type.....the childhood memories overflow my mind..."You're fat" "You're Ugly" "I would never like somebody as fat as you" the pain......

How can I not assume that it is always going to be this way? When will things change? When will other's love me for who God created me to be? And most importantly....when will I love me for who God created me?

Everybody in my life thinks that they know what or who is best for me. It makes me frustrated, especially when they tell me that I don't know what I want and should be happy where I am presently at...they don't know me or my heart who are they to comment what's best? ERRRRRR........ Why can't people just mind their own business?

I also encountered an individual the other night who made me angrier then I have almost ever been. He commented that he had heard the good news....that being that me and my boyfriend had broken up....WHO SAYS THAT TO SOMEBODY??? ....I wanted to kick him soooo hard...and then crawl into a hole and cry for like an hour.....I dont understand why some people are complete retardes....I makes me angry.....and the one thought that frustrates me even more is the fact that I'm going to have to work with people like that for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in the ministry.....it makes me want to quickly switch career paths and be some sort of researcher on a remote island somewhere.....where the only person I have to rely on is myself....I'm frustrated and angry and want to hide from the world....but I have to face my life and the things that I am called to do.....and that means facing some of the stupid people in it.....

When will I be happy? That's the question that me and my friend Kayla tried to figure out last night. I have determined that if I am not happy now....I never will be. As a Christian the obvious answer is that God is ultimately the only one who can make me happy. But how????? I guess I'm just at a point where I don't understand life or anything else....and it's so frustrating. I wish that things were somehow different....but even then I wouldnt be happy. I like to play the "what if" game.... what if we don't break up and stay together...what if I didn't choose to be a pastor and go for something that would make me a lot of money?

So many questions with no answers. Everything in me wants to rebel to escape this life that I'm living....I'm not perfect I know....but boy are you looked down upon when you arn't.....it doesn't make sense I know....that's why so many Christans wear a mask because we set these impossible standards for ourselves and when we dont meet them we're ashamed of ourselves.....it doesnt make sense. I just want to live....and be a real person...with real problems...who really loves Jesus. Is that possible?? I guess I'll find out.

I'm frustrated with the fact that everybody else seems to know what's best for my life but I can't even figure it out. "Sasha you should be with this boy" "dont pass up this opportunity" I'm tired......and don't know what to do....and then they ask the next questiont that drives me crazy "are you sure you are praying about it?" What do they think I'm doing??? ERRRR I just wish that I can make a decision.

I don't even know what's really in my heart. I know that I'm scared....I don't want to be hurt....or vulnerable....vulnerability is the thing that scares me the most....and it should!!!! I have only ever been proven right...to open up that door seems almost impossible. And it hurts.... I just wish I knew what God wanted....what I am called to be and who I'm called to be with....that would make my life so much simpler right now.... I guess I just need to take the focus off of me and place it on Him...in His heart is where I will find answers....I hope

I'm struggling with the idea of being authentically transparent. Being real with how one is feeling and to show others the deepest and darkest secrets is the hardest thing in the world to do. As a pastor-in-training I struggle with this. How can I ask other's to be the thing that I can't even do myself? I have created a facade, a mask, something that makes me look one way when really I'm angry and bitter inside.

I want to be the same on the inside as I am on the outside....what you see is what you get.....I think that the only place where that is attainable is when your identity is fully founded in who God has created us to be....it is not an easy task but I am determined to search after it.