Change is like pulling teeth.

Help I'm scared.

I'm sitting here at 3:30 pm, should be sleeping, gasping for air.  A mild panic attack I think.  My mind is all over the place and for the first time in a long time I'm scared of which step I need to take because I'm scared of what's going to happen.

Opportunities to move to be with somebody I love were already afloat in my mind.  I was excited about the possibilities because they seemed endless.  I was sure to pace myself and not let my brain jump 14 steps in front of me.  Timing is everything.  This is all I keep telling myself. 

Now, a position at work opens.  THE one I've been telling myself for a year and a half I would love to have.  It's hard to discern my feeling toward what's going on and if I feel like God's inching me to move on from that place.  For the past few weeks if asked I would have said that I was.... and now.....

Also a good friend has asked me to consider the possibilities of moving with her to a new big city.  One where I've said that I would love to end up.

Too much change.  Too fast.  It feels like I'm being left to decide the roads in my life again and it's scaring me more than anything.  I never thought that it would all happen so soon.  And now I'm left with trying to figure out where I'm really at in all of this.

In all reality I think after everything I've learned that no matter where I go God is going to be with me, but I put so much pressure on myself, on making the "RIGHT" choice that I become so scared by ANY choice.

I want love.  I want YOU.  Timing is everything.  I don't want to mess this up because of impatience.  I want you to be whole before we put the pressure of us on your shoulders, but at the same time I want to know intentions and plans.  I'll wait for you hands down.... I guess I want to know the certainty in us.  That I have you.  I need you behind me 100% just as I am behind you... because right now I'm writing in tears at the thought of losing you.