Many situations of my life have been spent on the floor.  I'm not sure how I've somehow linked it all together but the theme somehow surfaced in my mind after recalling the events of this week.  There are many distinct life changing moments that I can think of where I've ended up with my entire being surrendered on the floor.  There was no escaping.  I was there in that moment and feeling every single bit of it. 

The memories are both good and bad.  I smile when I think of Connie and I on our stressed out overwhelmed days at Vanguard laying on the floor as fellow classmates walked around us.  I didn't feel crazy in those moments.  It was our way of regaining some control in our chaotic lives.  And for a moment it was just me and my bestie laying on the floor laughing and being as carefree as a child. 

Other moments however also lead to me being on the floor.  One in particular that I can think of is the ending of my marriage.  After facing a blow to my face I woke up aching and alone on the floor.  Nobody around me.  Instantly tears streamed down my face.  It was in that moment I knew it was over. 

I can't seem to put together the significance of being on the floor.  All I know is that I've spent a lot of my time soul searching down on my face before God.  With a tear stained carpet beneath me I cried out to God for more.  Maybe God likes to bring me back to those moments of just me and Him. 

This past week I ended up on the floor again.  Laying beside somebody who I have grown to love and care deeply about.  It was in those moments, scared and confused and feeling as though I was unable to offer nothing more than my very presence I was once again faced with the realization that I was down on my face once again, except this time it was for somebody else.  Overwhelmed I questioned how far I would go for somebody I loved and with all of me laying there I knew that I was giving everything that I had. The only thing that I was left scared to question whether the same would be done for me. 

Is love enough?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my future.  Often thoughts end up concentrating on my purpose and the paths that I'm on. 

Evaluating where I currently am and where I want to be is an interesting feat that changes from day to day.  Some days I'm content and proud of my accomplishements.  Others I'm annoyed and frustrated and feel as though I've hit a stagnant hill and have approached it with a slow climb. 

I've been considering a lot more school.  The idea of different professions has popped in there a couple times as well.  The other night while traveling to work I was stuck with the question of what I'm really truely good at and what I'm passionate about.  Those words get thrown around a lot these days, but I like to do a check every now and then to see where it is I'm at with myself. 

I love what I do.  Clearly it's not for the money.  I always knew that no matter what I ended up doing with my life would never be because of money.  I care about people.  That's at the bottom of who I am.  When it comes to talents and giftings however, I feel inadequate.  I feel like I have no practical expertise that I can offer.  I deducted my skills down to one thing: being able to love.  If all I have is love is it enough?

I never trained in a vocation that lead to practical skills.  My psychology courses taught me a lot about the brain and the counselling ones aided in my ability to listen and paraphrase, maybe those are critical skills that I take for granted but when I look around there are people who are physically able to help others in need.  Some of my friends are nurses and I'm jealous of their ability to identify and fix problems.  Even if I had a trade of some sort I would feel like I had something to offer to people, but no, all I feel that I'm left with is the ability to love unconditionally and whole heartedly.

Don't get me wrong.  In the business I'm in I guess this comes in handy, but can I really see myself doing this for the rest of my life?  It gets so exhausting, especially to be giving out so much of myself all of the time to the various relationships around me and I don't see much in return.  It weighs a person down sometimes.  I often have to keep myself focused on the goal because without that I think that I'm a mess.

At the end of the day I still sit wondering if all I have is love is it enough?  I really don't know.

I don't know why the picture stood out in my mind.  As I sat there watching her stare at pictures of her son with a smile on her face so wide and pure joy that poured out through her entire being so much so it filled the entire room.  She said that she was getting her son back.

She flipped through the pictures one after another as though she herself had taken them and was showing them to strangers, just as a proud parent would.  No one would be able to tell that she hadn't seen the little boy in 3 entire months.  No one knows the tragedy that occurred when he was taken away.  She wouldn't speak of those days.  She made reference to them as "tough times" but quickly moved onto more important subjects like cribs and clothes.

She made captions for each and every one of the pictures.  Every different one had a new dream or career that she had for him.  "In this one he's a teacher and he wants to change the world," she said with a smile on her face.  "In this one he's a rich business man."

Many prayers were said in my heart as I tried to hope, just as much as she was, as to the results that were to occur in a few short weeks.  She was promised that she would have him back soon, but for now he was with a foster family.

Too many thoughts were running through my mind as I was scrambling for the answers.  How did she get the pictures?  When was she going to get him back?  Why was she here?  What if they found out she was here?  And most importantly, had the foster parents taken that wee little boy to get those professional pictures taken, because if so it seemed as though they didn't think they were going to have to let go of him any time soon.

Discouraged, I hoped and prayed with her that the miracle would happen.  Please Jesus, please.

Well I just got home from a wedding.  Those things are always weird for me these days.  So many mixed emotions.  So much uncertainty, and above all else a lot of prayer.  Because of what I've been through my mind specifically goes to the bad.  I pray that my friends never have to go through what I went through.  But really, how can we ever know what bad is going to confront us in the future?  Maybe that's a good thing because if we did nobody would go anywhere in life and we'd all just sit waiting for nothing because we wouldn't want anything due to the possibility of the bad. 


I still have some sort of hope.  Today it was found in my dear friends face as he watched his bride walk down the aisle.  The tears in his eyes gave me more hope then I could have ever imagined.  One day at a time right? 

I'm going to write a novel.  It's going to take a lot of effort, but I'll be able to do it.  One month of pure literary madness.  I'm not sure what to write about.  This adventure seems crazy as it is and never have I developed a character to such an extent.  A novel.  WOW.


I was able to participate in a seminar today.  It felt good to be in a specific "learning" type atmosphere.  Don't get me wrong, when you do what I do you learn something new every single day, but to feel like a student again... I've missed that feeling.  It makes me contemplate future studies once more.  I'd love to still get my Master's.  I'd love to obtain my Ph.D.  It seems silly that the only thing holding me back is money. 


I've heard through the grapevine that my "dad" and his wife are separating.  To sound like the worse person alive, I could really care less.  What bothers me more is that my half sister is going to be staying with him.  She gets to keep him.  He chooses to stay in her life and be her dad.  Ok, I'll stop repeating myself because you get the picture.  She's 15 or 16 now.  She's got everything she's ever asked for.  I wouldn't say that I'm jealous, well maybe I am?  I don't know how to articulate how I'm feeling.  It seems unfair that I had to grow up without ever knowing him and he chooses to stay in her life.  I wonder how one chooses which of his children's life to be in and if he ever wonders how I'm doing.  


Once again I'm left with unanswered questions.  I guess that's the theme of my life.  

the sanctity of friendship

I love the feeling of seeing old friends that you haven't seen in years and the minute you meet it's as though no time has passed.  The connection is still there.  You can laugh, cry, and giggle your butts off about the most ridiculous thing and you both are still there, still connected, still the same way you remembered.

Life does a good job of robbing us from one another.  Maybe I picture it completely wrong, but our jobs, families, bills, errands, all the things that qualify us to be "adults" will rob us from the relationships we cherish the most if we aren't careful.  Sooner then we realize it will be 4 years and you'll finally find time to meet up with a friend who at one point you couldn't go a single day without talking to. 

I don't know how to find the balance of guarding those relationships though.  If each doesn't have it in mind to protect them then they can disintigrate faster then we would have ever anticipated. 

Regardless, I'm thankful for those whom I can still call up who I don't see every day and cry my heart out if need be and they are right there will me.  They know where I've come from.  They don't judge they just love me through it.  Those are true friends, and I can only hope that in turn I can be that for them, if they let me.

Winter is quickly aproaching.  You can feel the crisp air in your lungs the minute you step outside.  I've already mentally prepared myself for the day when I wake up to a winter wonderland... that lasts forever in these parts.  I don't anticipate winter like some.  I do however, like to join the many others who romanticize the idea. You know, the cold winter evening.  You and your significant other snowed in.  The power is out.  All that you've got is each other and a warm fire where you sit holding one another on the bear rug wrapped in blankets to keep warm.... you know that kind of idea.  Ya.... kind of like the "baby it's cold outside" sort of thing.  The funny thing is I don't even have a fire place.

Another year is quickly coming to an end.  I don't know where the months have gone.  I've once again been ambushed by the calender.  It's perplexing to think that I have nothing to really show of this year.  Well I guess I soon will.  Some closure seems to be in the near future.  I'm not really sure how to begin processing that.  I feel as though I already have but maybe I really haven't?  I'm ready for it whether I know what those words entale or not.  As one door closes another door opens.........right?

I think I'm growing.  I still feel myself changing and developing.  I know I'm not the same person that I was at the beginning of this year.  I hope to always be changing and growing.  I dread the day that habit and ritual encompass me and I'm left with nothing but a stagnant mindset and nothing that I'm passionate about. 

I asked him what he wanted to be when he was growing up. 
He awkwardly changed the subject. 
I offered up, "Well, I wanted to be a ballerina." 
He smiled.
I told him that those dreams were shattered when the kids started to make fun of me.
He looked at me shyly with hesitation and spoke in a quiet voice.
"I didn't want to be anything growing up."
I persisited, "not even a firefighter or police officer?"
He looked with even more fear in his eyes as he offered,
"I didn't want to be anything because I didn't have a chance.  I just wanted to get out of the abuse and the poverty and grow up."
He paused, "that must not sound that cool."
I looked at him, with tears in my eyes, "that's the best dream that I've ever heard of."

Here's an exert from Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert that really hits home and explains me to a "T":

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men.  I have always fallen in love fast without measuring risks.  I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential.  I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.  Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.    (pg. 285)

Profound words escape my mind as I sit here trying to grasp what it is exactly I'm looking to articulate.  I guess the weight of trying to juggle a balance between good and evil is becoming tiresome.  I'm starting to lack focus and my discernment has seen better days.  I've gone from making wise long term plans to surviving day by day unable to figure out where exactly my next solid step will be taken.  Maybe living in uncertainty is in fact a way of punishing myself for where life has taken me.  I never expected to be here.  I never expected to have everything on the line but yet feel like it doesn't matter.  I've lost my passion.  I've misplaced my drive.  This inward battle is going to ruin me. 

She looked at me with her big brown eyes and asked "Do you think that I'm going to go to Heaven?"


I replied, "You said you believed in Jesus, right?"


"Yes." She quickly responded.


"Well then the Bible tells us that that's what we have to do."


"But there are just so many rules, one's that are so hard to follow," she looked at me ashamed.


"Yes, but God still loves us even when we have a hard time following His rules." I said scrambling to find the right words.


"But, it's just that, I'm scared."


I looked her in the eyes and replied, "I am too."

I sat and talked with a troubled soul who said that when he looked in the mirror he didn't see himself anymore.   Coincidentally, as I looked at him I saw myself. 

Nothing

There’s nothing left to say
There’s nothing left to lose
There’s nothing left to hold
There’s nothing left to choose

I’m done fighting this great fight
I’m done singing this great song
There’s nothing left to be
But being very wrong

There’s nothing left for time
There’s nothing left for me
There’s nothing left for us
There’s nothing left to see

I’m done hanging onto hope
I’m done crying all these tears
There’s nothing left for us
But a bunch of wasted years. 

Eff you John Mayer, Jack Johnson, Jason Mraz and every other song that keeps playing reminding me of you.  Just eff off ok?

It's 2am.  I'm sitting here listening to new Hawksley, eating snap peas, and drinking coffee such a weird yet fulfilling combination.  It's back to working nights for me.  Five this week.  It's funny when people say the nights are long, because when you work them they sure in the heck are.  Being stuck in my mind a lot of the time doesn't do me any good.  I keep thinking about a conversation my sister and I had.  She thinks she knows.  She thinks that it's all cut and dry.  The answers straight forward and simple.  I wish I could show her.  I wish I could guard her.  Oh well, she'll find out someday what it's really like out there. 

I've had to share my story a couple times in the past few days.  It's weird to go back there.  I feel like such a different person.  I shake my head because I can't believe that I felt so trapped.  Trapped by the stereo types and ideas that held me capture.  I feel ashamed and even though some sort of justice was served I feel dissatisfied with the outcome as if something more should have been done.  He walked away with no apology given, still thinking he was right.  I just hope he meets his match one day.  I guess that's the human side of me seeking some sort of revenge. 

Letting go.... moving on.... learning... wishing. 

Actions speak louder than words.

gasping for air

I can't breathe.  For some reason I'm sitting here literally gasping for air.  Alone, I'm sitting in silence hearing nothing but the wheels turn in my head.  I want to cry.  I want to laugh.  I don't know where to go, who to talk to, what to say, or where to even be.

I feel like I've lost you.  I feel so distant. Like you've attempted to push me out.  I don't really know how to be right now.  I want to hang on.  I'm not ready to let go or to give up.  This feeling of already loosing you is killing me and I can't seem to wrap my mind around what's going on or what needs to be changed.  I wish you would communicate more.  I wish you would just talk to me.  I wish you weren't a million miles away.... or at least I wish it didn't feel like you were.  I want to know if I am just suppose to walk away or even if that's what you want. 

Did you let go?

Just as you asked so long ago....

I don't want to seem so needy and ask too much from you...but...
Can you hold on just a little bit longer.   

One Week, One Month, One Day

 I came by this quote in a movie....it made me really start to think....

When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all a long... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live. What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?


One day, one week, one month.  It seems like so little time.  Precious moments left on this earth to conquer all of the fears, goals, dreams, and ambitions that have filled every day of our lives up until that point.  It would never seem like enough time and for some it may seem hard to establish some sort of priority level on which needs to be accomplished first.  We all like to say that we live each day as our last, however when it all is said and done how much truth is really in that statement?  I certainly can not be one to talk.  I fail miserably at saying what I think and doing what I want.  I guess I feel as though I’ve hit so many road blocks in this young life of mine that I’m too timid to aspire to be much else because it is only because of those vulnerable moments where we open ourselves up to the opportunity that we have a chance to fail. 

If I knew that I only had one week of existence left I probably wouldn’t tell anybody.  I would want to keep it to myself.  Not having everybody else panicking and telling me what to do I would be able to embark on my own journey taking pictures as I go.  I would keep sleep to a minimum having only enough to feel rested but I would want to see as many sunsets and sun rises as I possibly could.  I would go back to the spot at Camp Whitney where I spent so much of my young life and sit on the dock during the wee morning hours listening to the loons, watching the mist rise, where my foundations built up within me and where I fell in love with God for the first time.  I would spend one last night at my work serving and being with the people that I love.  I would sit and talk with them until they wanted to go to bed pouring as much love into their lives as I possibly could in such a little time.  I would want to go on one more adventure with my love exploring the vast Canadian landscape.  I would want to spend the nights wrapped in his arms and days doing whatever we wanted.  I would write my family a letter telling them that life is too short to fight and hate each other and that it’s too immature to not get along over such petty differences. 

It’s funny how in those moments things like degrees, wealth, power, and material objects don’t matter.  Not at all.  I want to live my life like THAT every day. 

We stand alone together. 

I love you.

I’d prefer to not make resolutions.  They seem pointless.  Resolutions are like rules, only meant to be broken.  I don’t think I’ve ever made a New Years resolution.  Never have I felt enough pressure being ushered into the New Year to make me want to change my present circumstances in any extreme way.  Granted, I have never been one of those on again off again dieters nor have I ever been a chain smoker in need of some serious bond breaking.  I, for the most part, have been content with celebrating the oncoming year and being optimistic at the emerging opportunities. 

2009 proved to be a year of healing.  It was a year of discovering, learning, laughing and loving the opportunities and people that were around me.  I had my own place for the first time.  I learned what it was to love.  I also learned what it meant to let go.  I had adventures with the one I love to Montreal.  We ate smoked meat sandwiches and poutine in a 300 year old building surrounded by cobble stone streets and French speaking tongues.  I stood for my friend and watched her walk down the aisle and prayed that the experiences that I have had would not be shared.  I found a love for pictures and have made it my mission to document my life in photos.  I walked hand in hand down the streets of the Byward Market soaking in the sights, sounds and smells.  I went to the Lion King Broadway play with him and my family and it was an experience I will surely cherish for a lifetime.  We went to Capital Ex and had fun on rides and watching a concert.  I surrendered to my love for youth and wholeheartedly love serving them with everything that I have.  I got to see Mercy Me live and it was amazing.  I had to stand for truth and testify of the experience that I was faced with, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, let alone relive, in my entire life. 

It is in that light where I have complied a list of adventures that I would like take and have in 2010.  Some things are simple, others are dreams, but either way they all seem easily attainable and worth aiming for.