Today is hard.
My mind is going a mile a minute thinking about so much.
It probably doesn't help that I feel like puking my guts out....
My bed felt too big last night and I wanted to just lay there crying. 

It'll be ok and I'll pull myself together.

I miss you.

the dishes can wait.

I've lost all of my motivation.  I'm not sure where it went.  I guess after such a busy weekend of go go go it's nice to sit around, drinking coffee and planning something exciting, that at least doesn't make me feel guilty for all the dirty, smelly, dishes in the sink.

I feel at peace and haven't felt this way in a long time.  I think I'm learning to find a nice balance in my life.  Learning from people that it's ok to live spontaneously every once in a while and not have everything so structured and planned out because believe it or not that's who I was.  I had a 5 year plan and everything was suppose to go accordingly.  I guess that's the funny thing when God is involved because plans can become obsolete.

I know that I'm where I'm at for a reason.  I've known that God has called me to my job and has given me this crazy opportunity to help me grow, but to also heal me in a time where I didn't think things like that were ever possible.  I see the things that I've been equipped with and when I consider the possibilities they seem to be unending. 

The best thing about where I'm at is that I'm falling in love in more then one way.  Falling in love with you, with me, and with Jesus all over again and that feels like a good balance.  It's like the more I get to know you and see your strength, determination and talent I love you so much more and loving you helps me to love me because you see so much of me and love so much of me that I've never appreciated.  I don't know if that makes sense, and you making me see these things about me helps to point my attention to God and helps me to seek out and to see who He's made me to be.  That's neat.  I've never had that before.  Thank you. 

I found some sort of centipede in my bathtub today, although I don't think it had 100 legs... maybe it was like a fiftypede.... or a quarterpede.... either way he had to be some sort of Pede. I didn't want to touch him though... so I washed him down the drain.

I watched Tianna as she crawled around the living room today. Those big eyes looking around excitedly at the world around her. She grasped for everything in sight looking at everything intently then shoving objects in her mouth as she drooled all over them discovering the tastes and textures.

The world is so big, so bright. Those eyes remind me of the simplest things. The important things. The smiles when she sees somebody she knows and loves walk into the room. The excitement when eating her banana's.

I love that little girl so much and can't imagine what it will be like to have my own babe one day. The things that come out of your heart when you love somebody that much. You want to protect that person from everything that could ever harm him/her. Hmm... maybe that's part of what Paul is talking about in 1Cor 13:7 when it says: It (Love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I haven't felt this way in many relationships before but my heart is exploding with all these feelings just as you see in Tianna's eyes as she encounters a new object... and just as I want to protect her from all the things in the world that could harm her, I want to protect this, the things that I have now.

I'm praying with my whole heart.... trying to discern what God wants. Waiting. Hoping. I'm excited.... and I don't have words that could express everything in my heart but with all these hopes that I'm waiting so patiently for I feel as though I've encountered a whole new world... and seeing for the first time love and what it is and how it feels, it's too big to stick in my mouth though... maybe that's a good thing!

testing one, two, three.....

I've promised I'd write for a long time. Often my mind gets lost between the difference in the things that I should write as opposed to the things that I want to write. I want to share my heart, but that vulnerability scares even me so how could I expect somebody else to accept the true contents of what's buried deep in there.

So much has happened in my life. I look back now and see mistakes that I've made. I see steps taken that I regret, but I also know that it's in those steps where I have grown into shoes that I never thought I could fit into.

I thought I found love. I thought I found what it meant to be loved, and it turned out that I was wrong. It's only in finding out what love isn't that I found out what it is. It is only because of those steps that I so often regret taking where I also find a peace knowing that there was a reason for them.

In the brokenness is where I was made whole. That statement makes me cringe a bit knowing that it seems so cliche, however I feel so much truth alive in it that I can't deny it.

I'm learning. I'm not perfect. I thought I had some things figured out and I thought that there were clear black and white answers, however I'm learning more and more that those my not exist. All I can do is continue to take my steps in Faith, as retarded as I feel if God is as big as I believe Him to be and as powerful as I proclaim Him to be things have to work out for His glory. I guess it's in those moments when I just have to step back and remind myself that as much as I get overwhelmed by my problems and my life it's not about me, it's about Him, another cliche yes, but I know that without God I am nothing I have found this to be true so many times in my life I can not deny it.

So I take more steps. Sometimes I feel like I'm blindfolded, but even with a wounded heart I still believe in the love that I've been shown, and I know that that is worth taking that step because that experience is worth something far more amazing then I could have ever imagined.