the longing of my heart

I long to be loved

I long to be filled

I long to know

I long to obey

I long to be guided

I long to be healed

I long to be touched

I long to be broken

I long to hear

Ultimately I long to be forever changed.....

annoyed and blessed all at the same time

I feel like I can't actually blog what I want to blog cuz whatever I say will be used against me in some sort of kindergarden play ground fashion...when one friend turns on another in a desperate search to gain some sort of popularity. People are ignorant....and annoying.....I wish that I didn't care what people thought of me....confidence is what I need....it is something I have always lacked....

I wanted to scream and punch a girl in the face....I didn't because it's not the best answer to solveing problems.....but sometimes you just feel like you are left with no choice....no matter what you do to try and help solve the problem the other person is sooooooooooo.......grrrrrrr....unreasonable...I try to love......try being the operative word....maybe one day I will be able to....

I saw a glimpse of hope in my mom today....she's questioning the things that she believes and is starting to understand that there is in fact both heaven and hell.....and that demons and satan exist....I told her about Jesus and how He casted out demons....she didn't yell at me...or raise her voice at all...she just sat there thinking. It gave me goosebumps...it was like God was working RIGHT THERE in that moment....I could see the little seed being watered...even just a little bit....

I was also blessed when I took out the garbage for her and ran into a lonley elderly woman. I sat and talked with her for an hour. She spoke of how she missed her husband who had passed away 9 years ago...desperatey she looked into my eyes seeking answers of how to let go...move on like the rest of the world tells her to. I told her that I don't think I will ever even have the answer about how to do that. They were married for 50 years......50...in awe I asked "How do you make marriage last that long in a society that tells you to get rid of the old and embrace the new all the time." She smiled and looked at me and answered "Only love.....that's the answer."

a glimpse of ministry

I don't like being under a microscope. I can't stand being critiqued from every angle....judged to a point where I don't even recognize myself. I've lost who I am and have replaced it with the thoughts of who every body else thinks I am. It's come to a point that if this is what it means to live and be in the ministry I don't want it...isn't there a different way?? Isn't there somehow a way that I can just be human.....be living and stumbling around just like every other human out there and not have to pretend to look like I have it all together and have the audacity to judge the other's around me because they don't make the mark either?? Maybe we should stop trying to leap hurdles and just try to jog without falling down.....cuz I think that we fall on our faces enough by ourselves, let alone put up a bar to make us fall for sure...I feel like I'm never going to make that mark...heck I miss it by a long shot....and I don't even know if I want to try and reach it. It makes me think that by aiming I'm going to loose something unique about me...and if I make it I'm just going to end up conforming to the rest and fitting nicely into that little box.....I want to be outside of the box.....Jesus was outside of the box so I don't see anything too wrong with being like Him.

A beautiful offering

Wounded, Broken, Beaten
weathered from the storms
scarred from life's battles
Desperately searching
for the pieces of my heart
that have been dispersed,
thrown in all directions
by the people that
I have loved most.
I try to hide
and keep the real me
from the world
Yet my Saviour calls
asking me to come out
from under the rock
where I have sought
comfort and refuge for oh so long
Reluctantly I peak out
scared to trust
unsure of how to let go
and surrender
However I see the Peace
and the Love that He has
for His daughter,
Me,
So I muster up
all the courage I can find
to crawl out
and offer what's left
to my King

life is short....

The youth took a trip to Edmonton today to see the little girl I posted about who was in the accident 3 weeks ago. The whole trip up I was so nervous. I didn't know what to think or feel or even anticipate, so all I could do was pray. We got the the children's hospital and we all waited around for a bit till Des was awake and then 2 by 2 we went in to see her. Steph and I were the 3rd couple to go in. I held her hand not even knowing what to expect. I knew that it was going to be hard....but when I saw Des' mangled little body it was sooo hard for me to stay strong. She's barely talking...so she just mumbled a lot and her actions were uncorrdinated and awkward...but through it all that little girl hugged me. That's all that she could do. She was broken and beaten and didn't look the same as I knew her to be....but her heart was still the same.

I couldn't find words to say and I glanced at my sister who almost started to cry and I had to leave because it became to difficult for me. I walked out bawling my head off....trying to be strong for the youth....but I couldn't hold it in. God has already done an amazing work in that little girl...she wasn't suppose to live....she wasnt suppose to talk yet or walk yet....she's baffeling Drs left and right.....but to still see her in that position killed me. It tore me up inside. It's hard to think that she could have looked worse then that, but I know that she's come sooo far and is going to be healed of everything sooner then any body would have thought.

I think that the worse thing was to have the last memory of the converstation we had in my head. Her little motor mouth going a mile a minute and I'm the only one who can communicate just as fast with her and understand her as well. Her hair was curly and it looked sooo pretty. But.....the little girl I saw in that bed wasn't my Des.....I could see through the outward appearance to her heart and knew that it was her...but my eyes were fooled. My heart breaks for that little girl. I want nothing less then to see her restored to even better then what she was before the accident. I can't wait till we can laugh again....and talk about things that other people can't understand....and to see her in church praying for people who she doesnt even know because that little girl has the faith to know that she can move mountains with her prayers.......I can only pray that we can have that faith for her in a time when she can't have it for herself.

i found you

i found your number in my pocket
just when i attempted to escape the thought of you
i find you not in my thoughts...
but in my pocket
so i'll keep you safely tucked in there
because it's safer
your protected
and in a way, so am i

sucking it up

So I'm sucking it up....being patient....or being impatient while trying to be patient...thanks Dawn for your insight ALL THE TIME!.....I had to delete the other post...cuz....well....I kinda felt bad...and then I figured you know.....I might as well suck life up.....although I did bleach everything in sight today.....life will be ok...it's all in God's control

I just dont want to be broken

I have an internal battle going on between heart and mind. The more I pray...the more I know...but the more I know...the more I'm scared. What if it's all just in my head. I hate trying to figure out what's me and what's God....like Dawn said neon signs would be great about...NOW.....but then her words echoe in my head...He wants us to have faith....faith....believing in the unknown...believing that He has it all already worked out and all we have to do is surrender. I don't want to be broken...I don't want to have to be humble and give up my stubborn will....most often I feel like I can't. I try...constantly...but I usually give and quickly take back. I know that it will all work out...and that He has a purpose....and that He has called me...know all I have to do is listen.....and obey.... simple...yet I think the most difficult task that I will ever be given

wishing on air

I wish that I could give up my every pressing desire to feel the need to plan and know everything. I wish that I could surrender to the unknown and embrace it with open arms. I wish that my reluctant heart would cave and that I would fully submit to Your will. I wish that it would be easy for me to be patient with the things that are to come and not force them to come about. I wish that I would stop wishing and that these wishes would come to be who I am as a woman of God......most importantly I wish that He would be all that I desire....above all else.

be my everything

The only thing that has been going through my head lately is this song by Tim Hughes and it is all that's in my heart....and I thought that I would share it with you all....

Everything - Tim Hughes

Verse 1:
God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Chorus:
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Verse 2:
God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Bridge:
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything